It's fri-yeay! Christopher told me that today is going to be a good day... and I wonder what is it?
I told him my version of "good day" and it annoys him. *I'm sorry Christopher...
I know I'm annoying but I hope it will come true~ Although the chance is beyond negative.
Today, I wished for a great day ahead. I gotta stay positive and happy for the rest of my life.
Yea, I've lose you, but nothing else. Everyone else is treating me very well...
Julian treats me like a baby princess sister, Xin Yi treats me like her another half, Darling treats me with her entire heart... Needless to say, my family who loves me to the bit.
What else should I ask for?
I'm grateful.
I hope I will be able go through this pain in a bit.
It's going to be a great day!... I wish.
Till then.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
28082013 ; All that about myself
Hey! it's me again! (Durhhh, if not who else coming here.. -_-)
Anyway, It is about time for me to really really reallyyyyyy have deep deep thoughts on what I'm going to write here or what I really want for myself in the fast future.
It is either, I'll forever stuck in this kind of situation or I'll have to move on. Well, I guess I'm taking option two.. which is to have a better living.
I'm clear at mind that I will definitely say "Hell No!" to pathetic life but, you know, there are times where...
You just feel like being stupid for once and for all (although I have been such stupid and joker for quite sometime) to make my life or day happier. But sometimes, I will regret after I do so or, I will feel utmost speechless or emotionless witnessing the truth or what he do to me with my own eyes.
It ain't fun.
As much as I hope to move on (I always wish I could), I'm still worried and scared to see them in front of me again. I know I did nothing wrong and I shouldn't be avoiding. But, I'm not sure if they will try to avoid me too? Will they even feel shy? Or shame to see or meet me? Or was it only me who think this much again?
Just yesterday (Tuesday), when I was there to pick up Angeline and Shy Hui for high tea, As I parked my car by the roadside at Mawar... Or even when I was about to make my turn into Mawar.. I feel extremely nervous.
I'm scared, worried and etc.
And questions such as, Will I bump into them? Is the car there? Is she there? Where is him? Is he still there or he's back to malacca?
Ahhhhhh, Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
All sorts of funny question have been playing in my mind.. and my heart was beating fast.
It was a relieved when I don't see the car or them when I was there.
I wonder what's wrong with myself... It feels like It was me who did something bad to him. But in fact,
I did not. I can't keep myself calm and I just don't feel like going back to Mawar any more...
That place, is full with our memories through good or bad times. From day 1 when you moved in, until the day where I walked out and you chased me all the way to belakang when we last argued... It's too much for me to take.
They even did talked about him a little during our high tea session and it triggers my emotion a little. To me,
he is always the one I wanted and all of a sudden, I got eliminated from his game.
Hmmmm, It is unacceptable but I don't have a choice with me.
I'm feeling blessed and happy that after months dreaming about him/them/us.. I finally had a good night sleep without having any dreams at night! Weeeeeeee! Like, I finally get to sleep until the next morning :)
But in return, it feels like my mind are not over it yet. It's like, since there's no dream.. It sort of waking me up earlier almost every morning making me thinking on stuffs. My brain starting to "talk" on stuffs like, what he thinks, what's gonna happen and all... It's like a second brain of mine telling me that "things are not done nor settled" and I just gotta keep whining on the same thing almost everyday... :(
------------ Feeling dizzy and sick the whole day due to menstrual pain. Shall continue tmr when I'm feeling a little better. P/s: Why am I so forgetful and weak there after? :( -------------
29th August 2013
Just as I stopped half way sharing about what I'm experiencing every morning yesterday...
this morning, same thing happened. But I couldn't remember clearly what was it about.. All I know was, he's in my dream again. It is either he's stubborn or such...
I hope by now he should be learning to be a better man?
Well, guess that's none of my business any more..
I actually feel like expressing a lot whenever I'm not with my laptop.. But whenever, I'm here.. my brain goes blank -_- Urghhh!
You know, If I was given a chance to talk to him again or if there's a time reversing machine...
I definitely have so much to add on, so much to tell him. Tell him that we could fix this together...
No matter how hard it is, we'll definitely be able to go through this together because I do believe that..
It is just the matter of time. But, mehhh.. fullstop.
As always, No matter what has happened, I just can't help myself from loving you. Things has gone this way, we do realised what's going on. But still, I'm always the silly girl. Wanting to be cuddled and loved by you once more.
But I guess, I can only keep this to myself. I always see you on line recently and I so wanted to just talk to you. I know I shouldn't. We both need to get a life and I didn't have the courage to do so. I've been trying to hurt myself by imagining how you both will be so that I could let go of you. It looks like you're alone now in Mawar, but that's how it used to be even when we're together.. You're just, happy on the inside.
I'm not saying that we're bad together, but we're not given a chance to try out.
I love you,baby. I hate to call you my "ex".
I tear very often recently, A song or even just an object could make me cry. I'm too emotional.
Just yesterday.. when I was so weak. I wish for someone to be there for me. I can't help myself from imagine if you're there for me. What you will be telling me, how you will sayang and tam me... But again, yeahh, I know it's not gonna happen any more.
It's just, If there's anything happening or if any date came across my mind.. I will think of the things or place we go. Or even when I visit to those places that we used to go together or we said we'll be going together, It made me tear.. Even now when I'm typing this...
How could I fall so deeply. I really don't know why.
People often tell me that, "suan liao la", "what's so good about mantai?", "useless man.." and etc.
I heard and understood what they say, but to me, love, is incomparable and unexplainable.
Well, I should stop saying. Otherwise I'm gonna cry.
Yesterday night, when the whole family was watching tv... there's a scene where the woman loses her best memory with the guy and all she remembers was back then when she still hates him like anything. Then, I wished for myself that, I could have lost my memories with him and I can live happily ever after.
It's not necessary for me to have bad feeling to him like how the woman has, but just.. I just hope to live happily. At this point, I really wish I could forget everything. At least, for now, it will be less suffering to me..
But what if later on I fall for you again? Hahaha!
Besides than loosing my memory, I have also thought of many more other dramatic scenes. For which, what if I'm involved in an accident and such.. Will you come to me?
I know that even if you come back, it's because you pity me. Not because you're sincere to me.
Or, was it a trick from you? Like what you did to me on my 20th birthday? A surprise maybe?
Well, I should stop being all vain. It's hell no surprise. IT'S FUCKING REAL THAT HE LEAVES ME!
Accept it,Siew Leng.
Hmmm, I wonder if he will ever remember this blog's url? What if he sees this?
What's going to be on his mind huh? Hmmmm..
I told xy that, I'm in pain inside out. Physically and mentally. I'm too exhausted.
I also told her that, it seems.. I couldn't live any longer as I'm getting weak each day. It feels like my organs is functioning very slowly and It's unbearable. I feel like dying.
But Noooooooo Lahhhh, I'm not going to do silly things.
I think, that's all for today before my emotion goes up again.
Till then.
Anyway, It is about time for me to really really reallyyyyyy have deep deep thoughts on what I'm going to write here or what I really want for myself in the fast future.
It is either, I'll forever stuck in this kind of situation or I'll have to move on. Well, I guess I'm taking option two.. which is to have a better living.
I'm clear at mind that I will definitely say "Hell No!" to pathetic life but, you know, there are times where...
You just feel like being stupid for once and for all (although I have been such stupid and joker for quite sometime) to make my life or day happier. But sometimes, I will regret after I do so or, I will feel utmost speechless or emotionless witnessing the truth or what he do to me with my own eyes.
It ain't fun.
As much as I hope to move on (I always wish I could), I'm still worried and scared to see them in front of me again. I know I did nothing wrong and I shouldn't be avoiding. But, I'm not sure if they will try to avoid me too? Will they even feel shy? Or shame to see or meet me? Or was it only me who think this much again?
Just yesterday (Tuesday), when I was there to pick up Angeline and Shy Hui for high tea, As I parked my car by the roadside at Mawar... Or even when I was about to make my turn into Mawar.. I feel extremely nervous.
I'm scared, worried and etc.
And questions such as, Will I bump into them? Is the car there? Is she there? Where is him? Is he still there or he's back to malacca?
Ahhhhhh, Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
All sorts of funny question have been playing in my mind.. and my heart was beating fast.
It was a relieved when I don't see the car or them when I was there.
I wonder what's wrong with myself... It feels like It was me who did something bad to him. But in fact,
I did not. I can't keep myself calm and I just don't feel like going back to Mawar any more...
That place, is full with our memories through good or bad times. From day 1 when you moved in, until the day where I walked out and you chased me all the way to belakang when we last argued... It's too much for me to take.
They even did talked about him a little during our high tea session and it triggers my emotion a little. To me,
he is always the one I wanted and all of a sudden, I got eliminated from his game.
Hmmmm, It is unacceptable but I don't have a choice with me.
I'm feeling blessed and happy that after months dreaming about him/them/us.. I finally had a good night sleep without having any dreams at night! Weeeeeeee! Like, I finally get to sleep until the next morning :)
But in return, it feels like my mind are not over it yet. It's like, since there's no dream.. It sort of waking me up earlier almost every morning making me thinking on stuffs. My brain starting to "talk" on stuffs like, what he thinks, what's gonna happen and all... It's like a second brain of mine telling me that "things are not done nor settled" and I just gotta keep whining on the same thing almost everyday... :(
------------ Feeling dizzy and sick the whole day due to menstrual pain. Shall continue tmr when I'm feeling a little better. P/s: Why am I so forgetful and weak there after? :( -------------
29th August 2013
Just as I stopped half way sharing about what I'm experiencing every morning yesterday...
this morning, same thing happened. But I couldn't remember clearly what was it about.. All I know was, he's in my dream again. It is either he's stubborn or such...
I hope by now he should be learning to be a better man?
Well, guess that's none of my business any more..
I actually feel like expressing a lot whenever I'm not with my laptop.. But whenever, I'm here.. my brain goes blank -_- Urghhh!
You know, If I was given a chance to talk to him again or if there's a time reversing machine...
I definitely have so much to add on, so much to tell him. Tell him that we could fix this together...
No matter how hard it is, we'll definitely be able to go through this together because I do believe that..
It is just the matter of time. But, mehhh.. fullstop.
As always, No matter what has happened, I just can't help myself from loving you. Things has gone this way, we do realised what's going on. But still, I'm always the silly girl. Wanting to be cuddled and loved by you once more.
But I guess, I can only keep this to myself. I always see you on line recently and I so wanted to just talk to you. I know I shouldn't. We both need to get a life and I didn't have the courage to do so. I've been trying to hurt myself by imagining how you both will be so that I could let go of you. It looks like you're alone now in Mawar, but that's how it used to be even when we're together.. You're just, happy on the inside.
I'm not saying that we're bad together, but we're not given a chance to try out.
I love you,baby. I hate to call you my "ex".
I tear very often recently, A song or even just an object could make me cry. I'm too emotional.
Just yesterday.. when I was so weak. I wish for someone to be there for me. I can't help myself from imagine if you're there for me. What you will be telling me, how you will sayang and tam me... But again, yeahh, I know it's not gonna happen any more.
It's just, If there's anything happening or if any date came across my mind.. I will think of the things or place we go. Or even when I visit to those places that we used to go together or we said we'll be going together, It made me tear.. Even now when I'm typing this...
How could I fall so deeply. I really don't know why.
People often tell me that, "suan liao la", "what's so good about mantai?", "useless man.." and etc.
I heard and understood what they say, but to me, love, is incomparable and unexplainable.
Well, I should stop saying. Otherwise I'm gonna cry.
Yesterday night, when the whole family was watching tv... there's a scene where the woman loses her best memory with the guy and all she remembers was back then when she still hates him like anything. Then, I wished for myself that, I could have lost my memories with him and I can live happily ever after.
It's not necessary for me to have bad feeling to him like how the woman has, but just.. I just hope to live happily. At this point, I really wish I could forget everything. At least, for now, it will be less suffering to me..
But what if later on I fall for you again? Hahaha!
Besides than loosing my memory, I have also thought of many more other dramatic scenes. For which, what if I'm involved in an accident and such.. Will you come to me?
I know that even if you come back, it's because you pity me. Not because you're sincere to me.
Or, was it a trick from you? Like what you did to me on my 20th birthday? A surprise maybe?
Well, I should stop being all vain. It's hell no surprise. IT'S FUCKING REAL THAT HE LEAVES ME!
Accept it,Siew Leng.
Hmmm, I wonder if he will ever remember this blog's url? What if he sees this?
What's going to be on his mind huh? Hmmmm..
I told xy that, I'm in pain inside out. Physically and mentally. I'm too exhausted.
I also told her that, it seems.. I couldn't live any longer as I'm getting weak each day. It feels like my organs is functioning very slowly and It's unbearable. I feel like dying.
But Noooooooo Lahhhh, I'm not going to do silly things.
I think, that's all for today before my emotion goes up again.
Till then.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
26082013 ; All that about myself
It's 26th of the month again... It used to be the most memorable day in OUR life. Used to be...
I wonder if he will ever remember this date?
It's been another 6 days since I last updated.. How time flies? I still remembered the last time when I uploaded a picture of us in Instagram and you commented that "Time flies like rocket". It's been 2 freaking year of me intruding into your life and my life.
But in a blink of eyes, you eliminated me from your life... and accepting a new one.
I could still remember what happened right in front of my eyes exactly one month after we broke up.I struggled like hell. I can still feel the pain at my heart... even until now.
I don't know if you ever put that in mind that I'm trying to get you back or what. But it just...
It hurts so bad when I gotta face the truth right in front of me. I can't even accept it until now.
Why on earth do I have to face this. Everyone deserve a second chance, but why wouldn't I?
I've always said that I know there will be someone else out there who will love me and dear me in the future. But at the same time, I just couldn't let go of all those memories yet. Memories.
I feel like forgetting everything like how drama does it. Lost of memory and such.
Or blah blahhh. To gain your mercy and stuffs. But another question is up... Worth it or not?
Like now, who's the one in pain and why am I still so stubborn.
I always said that I will find someone else.. But my mind and soul is stuck with the memories.
How to look forward my dear?
I don't know how long more will I ask question like this.. Probably gotta wait until the feeling is gone or what. The feeling feels a little shaky, but still... I'm still in love with him after so long and he's in love with someone else all these while.
Can the situation go any worsen?
So many things happened in the past 6 days... There were too much of up and down. Emotional break out once awhile. But luckily I still have many people around me to comfort me... Xy has always been the one who guide me through. Thank you my love!
We definitely had long chats and she'll never fail to cheer me up. I feel much much better every time after I talked to her... Or even, when I feel like expressing to him, she is my another alternative to leave my comment to. Well, some of you will wonder how does it work but to be able to express and yet not being ignored by him...It's more than enough regardless if he know what am I trying to tell. She know almost everything about me now.
She is the one who will be reading all my silly silly message to him, tears and sorrow.
I feel bad that I always used to have bad impression on her. But after all these,
I know who's best for me. I'll try to change to have better understanding and tolerance.
The other day when I was in the mood to greet him, I sent him a fb message saying,
"Heyy, how are you doing? :)" but he didn't reply even if he has seen it. ..
I told darling about this and she scolded me "sohai". She is worried If this would result me being all silly.
This pain, is beyond bearable.
I hope I can get rid of this/him asap. I know I can live happily ever after even without him.
Please give me a strong heart.Life's good. Everyone is treating me like how it used to be. Feeling loved.
As I feel a little upset about today, I told Pretty and she showed me some florist catalogue... She said it is for my convocation flower :)
Everyone loves me and I don't see the reason why I should still continue crying over someone who doesn't even care any more. I hope I could get over this as soon as possible or probably you will come back in the future? Will it be?
Nonetheless, 26th... shouldn't be any memorable day to me.
Today is such a teary day... It feels like I can cry at any time. No joke.
Man tai,
I love you, as always. Bye.
Till then.
I wonder if he will ever remember this date?
It's been another 6 days since I last updated.. How time flies? I still remembered the last time when I uploaded a picture of us in Instagram and you commented that "Time flies like rocket". It's been 2 freaking year of me intruding into your life and my life.
But in a blink of eyes, you eliminated me from your life... and accepting a new one.
I could still remember what happened right in front of my eyes exactly one month after we broke up.I struggled like hell. I can still feel the pain at my heart... even until now.
I don't know if you ever put that in mind that I'm trying to get you back or what. But it just...
It hurts so bad when I gotta face the truth right in front of me. I can't even accept it until now.
Why on earth do I have to face this. Everyone deserve a second chance, but why wouldn't I?
I've always said that I know there will be someone else out there who will love me and dear me in the future. But at the same time, I just couldn't let go of all those memories yet. Memories.
I feel like forgetting everything like how drama does it. Lost of memory and such.
Or blah blahhh. To gain your mercy and stuffs. But another question is up... Worth it or not?
Like now, who's the one in pain and why am I still so stubborn.
I always said that I will find someone else.. But my mind and soul is stuck with the memories.
How to look forward my dear?
I don't know how long more will I ask question like this.. Probably gotta wait until the feeling is gone or what. The feeling feels a little shaky, but still... I'm still in love with him after so long and he's in love with someone else all these while.
Can the situation go any worsen?
So many things happened in the past 6 days... There were too much of up and down. Emotional break out once awhile. But luckily I still have many people around me to comfort me... Xy has always been the one who guide me through. Thank you my love!
We definitely had long chats and she'll never fail to cheer me up. I feel much much better every time after I talked to her... Or even, when I feel like expressing to him, she is my another alternative to leave my comment to. Well, some of you will wonder how does it work but to be able to express and yet not being ignored by him...It's more than enough regardless if he know what am I trying to tell. She know almost everything about me now.
She is the one who will be reading all my silly silly message to him, tears and sorrow.
I feel bad that I always used to have bad impression on her. But after all these,
I know who's best for me. I'll try to change to have better understanding and tolerance.
The other day when I was in the mood to greet him, I sent him a fb message saying,
"Heyy, how are you doing? :)" but he didn't reply even if he has seen it. ..
I told darling about this and she scolded me "sohai". She is worried If this would result me being all silly.
This pain, is beyond bearable.
I hope I can get rid of this/him asap. I know I can live happily ever after even without him.
Please give me a strong heart.Life's good. Everyone is treating me like how it used to be. Feeling loved.
As I feel a little upset about today, I told Pretty and she showed me some florist catalogue... She said it is for my convocation flower :)
Everyone loves me and I don't see the reason why I should still continue crying over someone who doesn't even care any more. I hope I could get over this as soon as possible or probably you will come back in the future? Will it be?
Nonetheless, 26th... shouldn't be any memorable day to me.
Today is such a teary day... It feels like I can cry at any time. No joke.
Man tai,
I love you, as always. Bye.
Till then.
Monday, 19 August 2013
20082013 ; All that about myself
It's been 5 days / almost a week since I last updated about my wish to have the "full stop" in my life.
I should stop acting like crap and living miserably... Simply because..
I'm young and I'm sure I will find someone who dear me A LOT in the future!
YES, I'm positive like that! ;)
Anyhow, as much as I wish I could let go... Damn dream "marathon" is back! It happened probably in alternative nights. I told xy that, before I've decided to let go, It seems the "marathon" is over... but once I've promised myself that I'm letting go... The "marathon" is back -_-
Why?
She said I'm still unable to let go even when he have already left for months.
My heart stunned awhile.
The other day, I was under depression because I'm undecided if I should get him a graduation gift.
It has been bothering me for a couple of days and I burst out of tears last Sunday (19th August 2013).
I know that I shouldn't be stubborn and xy comforted me.
I even, send her a message and pretended it is him telling him that I'm still loving him regardless what he have done to me. I'm still that silly girl and how much I wish to have him back and etc.
I sounded silly once more and I have just made my night more miserable... I cried.
It's been 3 months and It seems I haven't get over it. Why?
Too many things has been bothering me... memories and stuffs. But, I gotta move on.
Moving into a brand new chapter... and probably... moving to another new living space too.
Mum and siblings have sort of decided in buying and shifting into a new house in Serdang. It is not confirmed yet, but the chances are quite high... and I wonder if it's good for me? Since I'm one of those who doesn't like changes and all. Urghhh! Knowing that It will be hard for me, but a change in environment may be good to me as well eh?
Well, let's just hope for the best!
Anyhow, today, I'm here to record what has been in my mind again...
Let me further elaborate more on the dream "marathon" that has been bothering me since day 1 after we broke up.
So, just this morning / last night, I dreamt of them again. This time... It is about him being funny and stubborn. We were at somewhere in the college with the gang and he showed up with his red and white basketball jersey barefoot... He walked towards us with his gf next to him and didn't even bother to look at me at first...
(well, I don't know why I can remember his outfit so clearly)
He asked us about the relationship status in the registration for college. As in, there's a column where you will have to fill in your couple's name. So, that explained why he is here with his gf and wanting to change her name in the Gf column (I suppose it is my name previously) and gave us a blank look...
Meanwhile, when he is asking us.. I could see his gf playing with his hand and stuffs.
It was so annoying. I got upset and I think If this dream was real, I'm going to say...
"Can you please leave him alone? He's talking" -_-
Bodoh. SUPER BODOH OF ME!
Leonard who was also in my dream, tell him that It is not necessary for him to do.. No one will ever bother about your gf's name. Then I voiced up to him... Pushed him leaning against a car nearby.
Telling him what he is doing, how he has been treating me and blah blahhh.. I scolded him loudly in front of everyone. I shouted and cried! Then, I'm awake from the dream... and I can't remember how was my reaction.
Again, I woke up feeling miserable and feeling-less.
I DON'T KNOW LAHHH.
Let's see how things goes. I shall be strong! Stronger than ever to live my life happier.
Till then.
I should stop acting like crap and living miserably... Simply because..
I'm young and I'm sure I will find someone who dear me A LOT in the future!
YES, I'm positive like that! ;)
Anyhow, as much as I wish I could let go... Damn dream "marathon" is back! It happened probably in alternative nights. I told xy that, before I've decided to let go, It seems the "marathon" is over... but once I've promised myself that I'm letting go... The "marathon" is back -_-
Why?
She said I'm still unable to let go even when he have already left for months.
My heart stunned awhile.
The other day, I was under depression because I'm undecided if I should get him a graduation gift.
It has been bothering me for a couple of days and I burst out of tears last Sunday (19th August 2013).
I know that I shouldn't be stubborn and xy comforted me.
I even, send her a message and pretended it is him telling him that I'm still loving him regardless what he have done to me. I'm still that silly girl and how much I wish to have him back and etc.
I sounded silly once more and I have just made my night more miserable... I cried.
It's been 3 months and It seems I haven't get over it. Why?
Too many things has been bothering me... memories and stuffs. But, I gotta move on.
Moving into a brand new chapter... and probably... moving to another new living space too.
Mum and siblings have sort of decided in buying and shifting into a new house in Serdang. It is not confirmed yet, but the chances are quite high... and I wonder if it's good for me? Since I'm one of those who doesn't like changes and all. Urghhh! Knowing that It will be hard for me, but a change in environment may be good to me as well eh?
Well, let's just hope for the best!
Anyhow, today, I'm here to record what has been in my mind again...
Let me further elaborate more on the dream "marathon" that has been bothering me since day 1 after we broke up.
So, just this morning / last night, I dreamt of them again. This time... It is about him being funny and stubborn. We were at somewhere in the college with the gang and he showed up with his red and white basketball jersey barefoot... He walked towards us with his gf next to him and didn't even bother to look at me at first...
(well, I don't know why I can remember his outfit so clearly)
He asked us about the relationship status in the registration for college. As in, there's a column where you will have to fill in your couple's name. So, that explained why he is here with his gf and wanting to change her name in the Gf column (I suppose it is my name previously) and gave us a blank look...
Meanwhile, when he is asking us.. I could see his gf playing with his hand and stuffs.
It was so annoying. I got upset and I think If this dream was real, I'm going to say...
"Can you please leave him alone? He's talking" -_-
Bodoh. SUPER BODOH OF ME!
Leonard who was also in my dream, tell him that It is not necessary for him to do.. No one will ever bother about your gf's name. Then I voiced up to him... Pushed him leaning against a car nearby.
Telling him what he is doing, how he has been treating me and blah blahhh.. I scolded him loudly in front of everyone. I shouted and cried! Then, I'm awake from the dream... and I can't remember how was my reaction.
Again, I woke up feeling miserable and feeling-less.
I DON'T KNOW LAHHH.
Let's see how things goes. I shall be strong! Stronger than ever to live my life happier.
Till then.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
15082013 ; All that about myself
Heee-ya!
It's time to update my blog again! :)
Don't you think I'm a little cheerful today? Hmmm, Improvement.. improvements! Still way to go!
Anyway, Yeapp.. I'm definitely letting go stuffs but still, my heart feels "tong tong" whenever I see something. Well, xy said it is normal.. So yeahh! It's normal, normal :) Am glad!
It's not that I'd stop loving him, NO! But I'm learning to love myself more first as I always believe that,
I'll definitely find someone who loves me more than himself. Someone who I truly belongs.
I know god is doing their job, so yes! We shall see by then!
Anyway, what do I mean by "tong tong" is... I had a dream last night/ this morning.
It's "THAT KIND" of dream again. It's our wedding day! I suspect the scenes were at the car porch in my house where I believe (in the dream) he got cheated for a small bouquet of flower as our wedding flower...
As he held the flowers to me, it was even smaller than my fist. Just ONE freaking pathetic flower in the middle with some other decorations :(
My facial expression was :( when I see those flower... and my cousins and friends were like.. "You got cheated.. blah blahhh..." So he quickly hand over some cash to our friend and asked her to get 3 bouquet of flowers for me. I forgotten whether it is 3 times more flower or 3 bouquet.. But it is something like this laaaaa :P
Then I smiled and we hehehe a little. As usual, I feel happy for his immediate love and action. He lay his head on my arm and I gave him a kiss on his cheek and I told him that, "It's been so long since I kiss you like this.." and he replied, "Ya lo, you also know hor". Then we continue our hehe and I'm awake from my dream... Once more...
I don't know why... it feels so real in the dream. I thought I really is getting married to him and it seems, that happens AFTER our current situation. It is like a rehab.. We both got back to one another's side after sometimes... That explained why we'd say such thing when I kiss his cheek.
I feel a little... upset or should I say, empty? I don't know how should I respond. It was just a sudden awesome feeling. Just that moment in my dream.
Out of my surprise... He finally have his hair back! No more bald! So good looking! ^_^
I can still remember how he looked at me in the dream... It is just like how he used to see me.
So much love and warmth at heart.
I do understand and aware of our situation now. I will just, let the god to decide... whether what's good for us. Of course, I won't be waiting for you all the time, but at the same time.. I will not discriminate the possibility of us getting back together.
Well, who knows right?
But as I told xy, I'm pretty sure that I will find someone who loves me. I can foresee my future with someone but just, he is not here yet :) *Law of attraction!!!!!*
When Siew Leng gone all positive, it's all going to be really positive.
Anyway, I asked for a graduation gift from him and he said he will think about that. Hahaha!
Hopefully he really will get me something :) As a friend or something. I wouldn't mind any more.
Well, I'm feeling great. Wishing for the best for myself again!
Till then.
It's time to update my blog again! :)
Don't you think I'm a little cheerful today? Hmmm, Improvement.. improvements! Still way to go!
Anyway, Yeapp.. I'm definitely letting go stuffs but still, my heart feels "tong tong" whenever I see something. Well, xy said it is normal.. So yeahh! It's normal, normal :) Am glad!
It's not that I'd stop loving him, NO! But I'm learning to love myself more first as I always believe that,
I'll definitely find someone who loves me more than himself. Someone who I truly belongs.
I know god is doing their job, so yes! We shall see by then!
Anyway, what do I mean by "tong tong" is... I had a dream last night/ this morning.
It's "THAT KIND" of dream again. It's our wedding day! I suspect the scenes were at the car porch in my house where I believe (in the dream) he got cheated for a small bouquet of flower as our wedding flower...
As he held the flowers to me, it was even smaller than my fist. Just ONE freaking pathetic flower in the middle with some other decorations :(
My facial expression was :( when I see those flower... and my cousins and friends were like.. "You got cheated.. blah blahhh..." So he quickly hand over some cash to our friend and asked her to get 3 bouquet of flowers for me. I forgotten whether it is 3 times more flower or 3 bouquet.. But it is something like this laaaaa :P
Then I smiled and we hehehe a little. As usual, I feel happy for his immediate love and action. He lay his head on my arm and I gave him a kiss on his cheek and I told him that, "It's been so long since I kiss you like this.." and he replied, "Ya lo, you also know hor". Then we continue our hehe and I'm awake from my dream... Once more...
I don't know why... it feels so real in the dream. I thought I really is getting married to him and it seems, that happens AFTER our current situation. It is like a rehab.. We both got back to one another's side after sometimes... That explained why we'd say such thing when I kiss his cheek.
I feel a little... upset or should I say, empty? I don't know how should I respond. It was just a sudden awesome feeling. Just that moment in my dream.
Out of my surprise... He finally have his hair back! No more bald! So good looking! ^_^
I can still remember how he looked at me in the dream... It is just like how he used to see me.
So much love and warmth at heart.
I do understand and aware of our situation now. I will just, let the god to decide... whether what's good for us. Of course, I won't be waiting for you all the time, but at the same time.. I will not discriminate the possibility of us getting back together.
Well, who knows right?
But as I told xy, I'm pretty sure that I will find someone who loves me. I can foresee my future with someone but just, he is not here yet :) *Law of attraction!!!!!*
When Siew Leng gone all positive, it's all going to be really positive.
Anyway, I asked for a graduation gift from him and he said he will think about that. Hahaha!
Hopefully he really will get me something :) As a friend or something. I wouldn't mind any more.
Well, I'm feeling great. Wishing for the best for myself again!
Till then.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
13082013 ; All that about myself
Title has changed, everything has came to an end.
I finally have stopped dreaming... waking up from my "dream" isn't easy at all. It needs a lot of courage and will power to do so. (I wish that I really finally FINALLY awake from my nightmare)
Until this moment, I'm not sure I'm able to let go this. But, what choice have I gotten?
Love, no more and I only feel that I'm superbly annoying to him. Nagging and "lecturing" him...
Probably that's why he's sick of me? :(
Anyway,
I talked to him about things I heard from our friend... It is about his characteristics.
I hope I told him everything that I wanted to tell and hopefully he will digest them.
Maybe? Or maybe not?I really do not know...
This morning... as I woke up... I could feel the "coldness" and it was so so numb.
I don't know what caused it but I think it is because, I'm still mentally unfit for this. As much as I tried my best to let go everything single fucking thing, the more numb I go. What's more when it is Chinese Valentine's Day today...
He actually wished "everyone" (I suppose), but I think.. He is wishing "her" indirectly.
Frankly speaking, he seldom or I can say he never wish me for this kind of valentine's day. Probably, he just never thought of doing so when he's with me. I didn't mean to bash him up, but as far as I remember.. he really didn't do such thing before :(
Why am I so pathetic?
Talked to xy about all this again and she reminded me what kind of person he is. Again, they told me that he is not a good man. Probably probably they are right... He's just not good enough for me...
Am trying hard to work things out, hopefully I could pull it off perfectly once more. Physically as well as mentally... I wish good things will come to me. Hoping to get someone which will be good for me.
*With fingers crossed*
Alright, I think that's it for now. I shall think positively.
Shall shine my inner beauty more and hopefully he will be able to see it for himself later on? :D
LOL siewleng...
Till then.
I finally have stopped dreaming... waking up from my "dream" isn't easy at all. It needs a lot of courage and will power to do so. (I wish that I really finally FINALLY awake from my nightmare)
Until this moment, I'm not sure I'm able to let go this. But, what choice have I gotten?
Love, no more and I only feel that I'm superbly annoying to him. Nagging and "lecturing" him...
Probably that's why he's sick of me? :(
Anyway,
I talked to him about things I heard from our friend... It is about his characteristics.
I hope I told him everything that I wanted to tell and hopefully he will digest them.
Maybe? Or maybe not?I really do not know...
This morning... as I woke up... I could feel the "coldness" and it was so so numb.
I don't know what caused it but I think it is because, I'm still mentally unfit for this. As much as I tried my best to let go everything single fucking thing, the more numb I go. What's more when it is Chinese Valentine's Day today...
He actually wished "everyone" (I suppose), but I think.. He is wishing "her" indirectly.
Frankly speaking, he seldom or I can say he never wish me for this kind of valentine's day. Probably, he just never thought of doing so when he's with me. I didn't mean to bash him up, but as far as I remember.. he really didn't do such thing before :(
Why am I so pathetic?
Talked to xy about all this again and she reminded me what kind of person he is. Again, they told me that he is not a good man. Probably probably they are right... He's just not good enough for me...
Am trying hard to work things out, hopefully I could pull it off perfectly once more. Physically as well as mentally... I wish good things will come to me. Hoping to get someone which will be good for me.
*With fingers crossed*
Alright, I think that's it for now. I shall think positively.
Shall shine my inner beauty more and hopefully he will be able to see it for himself later on? :D
LOL siewleng...
Till then.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
11082013 ; All that about ♥
It is 1:20 A.M. on 11th August 2013...
It may be just-another-day to others...
but, it is the most heart felt day to me because this is the day where our love story has ended.
Dated : 26/01/2011 - 11/05/2013.
It's been 3 months... and hereby, I would like to make a disclaimer that, I'm giving up in everything.
Friends... love.. or anything which is related to him. I've been struggling too long over the same thing/person.
I believe in love at first sight, first love and such.. but I'm the only one who could feel this pain now.
No matter what I do, how I feel or anything... he just doesn't give a damn any more.
Love has ended and that's it.
It's been so long but I can't help myself being stubborn!
I have been thinking and struggling too much on things which I think it is essential for me to know or find out but in fact, even if I know the truth.. It makes no different to me and us.
I've always been blamed for thinking negatively and stubborn for "rights" and guess..
I should just.. let things go.. "things" that doesn't belongs to me... any more...
If I'm given a chance to talk to him again, I will have TONNES of questions for him.
All the what why where when how and such... I will NEVER have enough questions. It will never end as I've always thought that... why can't we work things out earlier? Why don't you give me a chance and blah blah?
I think.. I'm just born this way, stubborn in all ways. Sighh.
As I'm writing this, I could feel all the pain at heart. It is too hard to let go.. but, what can I do?
I still can't help looking at your profile, checking all your latest updates... but why am I making myself so pathetic?
I've been expressing myself to you, telling you how much I love you.. and even, wish your father happy birthday. But, All I got was... your ignorance.
Maybe to you, I don't even deserve a thing. But it's okay...
You've just taught me what life is and I've learnt my lesson. I hope I'd never be funny and stupid again.
Life goes on.
Again, It is always easy to say, but hard to be done.
I have been saying this sooo many times and I wouldn't say that I failed big times.. but just,
maybe.. maybe.. I just failed a little. I think, I can do this. at least...this time!
Anyhow, there are soooooo many things that I wanna say in this post! But as I started to write...
My mind is all empty... That explained why am I crapping and talking about the sameeeeeeeee old thing again and again like an old woman -_-
This post is supposed to be the "ending" point of all my pathetic story (I hope It works!) from the beginning until the end and I hope I will never ever redo it again!
Yeaaa, our love story started in a dramatic way.. He, asked me to be his girlfriend through a video in youtube with my favourite song " Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars".
I can still remember that... he said, " I like you sll " and then followed by, "Can you be my girlfriend?"...
His confession and everything, was done via MSN and youtube and I think I still have that copy of his promises to me that he will treat me very very good at the beginning.
Yea, very dramatic and fairytale much? Ya, I loved it very much.
It was simple and direct but, guess that's what wins my heart.
His sincerity and all, it is beyond comparable. He's not the smartest or hottest guy among our friends.. but just, he is my man. The one I love.
I also remember that, on our 2nd valentine's day.. He.. bought me a F.Timber purse.
It is ugly but the story behind is truly beautiful.
He doesn't have much money, so, that purse... Is all that he could afford to me.
I cried, and I melted once more. He promised me to buy me another better one in the future...
But, we don't have the chance any more.
There are lots of thing that he have done for me. I love it and you.
Again, I'm sorry that our love turned this way. So so ugly.
I hated you for not letting me try, leaving me when I needed you the most.
But still, you was once my man. I'd never forget the things that we've been through...
Recently I also told him that,
I still loves him as much as how I used to but I just can't show and don't know how to show.
I'm sorry that... we can't accomplished things that we wanted to do it together earlier.
I'm so sorry, my dear. I'm sorry for hurting you, I don't mean it.
I thought we would try. But as for now, never mind...
I finally finally get to express myself out the other day by talking on the phone with Julius.
Our conversation was about 3 hrs and I feel slightly relieved.
I cried my lungs out. Eyes are all swollen and I can barely sleep at night because it hurt so bad.
That night was the most painful night I ever had but at least, I get to express myself once more and that is the night where I feel, I really should be letting go and live my life happier.
I should be out there searching for my happiness and not trapped with my past.
There are A LOT more that I should be writing, but yahh... I just.. suddenly forgotten about it again.
My siblings knew I was crying and they are all worried about me. I'm sorry and thankful to those who have been staying by my side whenever I needed them. Their hug, shoulders, ears and words of wisdom... is all I need and I just, couldn't ask for more.
Their love is one of a kind. Thank you!
So yeahh, I have done whatever I can do.. I tried, failed but at least.. no regrets.
I love you but I just had to let you go. I hope you're happy and so am I.
Yea, I'm in this love/hate situation to you and that fellow. Last but not least,
fuck you bitch for the last time! ( I don't care and I just wanna say it!!!!)
But still, as far as I'm letting go.. I'm wishing for the best for myself. Hoping to let go and will be able to change for a better self. My anger and such... I hope I can pull this off, Perfectly.
No matter what, I will still be there for you whenever you needed me. As a friend or whatever.
I think this is the only thing that I could offer you and myself now even if you don't ever needed it...
Silly right?
I'm finally willing to let go slowly after so long and I'd hope it works!
There are too many things that I need to say, but I can't remember.. again! -_-
Anyway,
Let's just hope for the best for myself.
Love, is all about communication and compromising. No one is perfect.
The end.
Will add on if I have anything else in mind! :P
Till then.
It may be just-another-day to others...
but, it is the most heart felt day to me because this is the day where our love story has ended.
Dated : 26/01/2011 - 11/05/2013.
It's been 3 months... and hereby, I would like to make a disclaimer that, I'm giving up in everything.
Friends... love.. or anything which is related to him. I've been struggling too long over the same thing/person.
I believe in love at first sight, first love and such.. but I'm the only one who could feel this pain now.
No matter what I do, how I feel or anything... he just doesn't give a damn any more.
Love has ended and that's it.
It's been so long but I can't help myself being stubborn!
I have been thinking and struggling too much on things which I think it is essential for me to know or find out but in fact, even if I know the truth.. It makes no different to me and us.
I've always been blamed for thinking negatively and stubborn for "rights" and guess..
I should just.. let things go.. "things" that doesn't belongs to me... any more...
If I'm given a chance to talk to him again, I will have TONNES of questions for him.
All the what why where when how and such... I will NEVER have enough questions. It will never end as I've always thought that... why can't we work things out earlier? Why don't you give me a chance and blah blah?
I think.. I'm just born this way, stubborn in all ways. Sighh.
As I'm writing this, I could feel all the pain at heart. It is too hard to let go.. but, what can I do?
I still can't help looking at your profile, checking all your latest updates... but why am I making myself so pathetic?
I've been expressing myself to you, telling you how much I love you.. and even, wish your father happy birthday. But, All I got was... your ignorance.
Maybe to you, I don't even deserve a thing. But it's okay...
You've just taught me what life is and I've learnt my lesson. I hope I'd never be funny and stupid again.
Life goes on.
Again, It is always easy to say, but hard to be done.
I have been saying this sooo many times and I wouldn't say that I failed big times.. but just,
maybe.. maybe.. I just failed a little. I think, I can do this. at least...this time!
Anyhow, there are soooooo many things that I wanna say in this post! But as I started to write...
My mind is all empty... That explained why am I crapping and talking about the sameeeeeeeee old thing again and again like an old woman -_-
This post is supposed to be the "ending" point of all my pathetic story (I hope It works!) from the beginning until the end and I hope I will never ever redo it again!
Yeaaa, our love story started in a dramatic way.. He, asked me to be his girlfriend through a video in youtube with my favourite song " Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars".
I can still remember that... he said, " I like you sll " and then followed by, "Can you be my girlfriend?"...
His confession and everything, was done via MSN and youtube and I think I still have that copy of his promises to me that he will treat me very very good at the beginning.
Yea, very dramatic and fairytale much? Ya, I loved it very much.
It was simple and direct but, guess that's what wins my heart.
His sincerity and all, it is beyond comparable. He's not the smartest or hottest guy among our friends.. but just, he is my man. The one I love.
I also remember that, on our 2nd valentine's day.. He.. bought me a F.Timber purse.
It is ugly but the story behind is truly beautiful.
He doesn't have much money, so, that purse... Is all that he could afford to me.
I cried, and I melted once more. He promised me to buy me another better one in the future...
But, we don't have the chance any more.
There are lots of thing that he have done for me. I love it and you.
Again, I'm sorry that our love turned this way. So so ugly.
I hated you for not letting me try, leaving me when I needed you the most.
But still, you was once my man. I'd never forget the things that we've been through...
Recently I also told him that,
I still loves him as much as how I used to but I just can't show and don't know how to show.
I'm sorry that... we can't accomplished things that we wanted to do it together earlier.
I'm so sorry, my dear. I'm sorry for hurting you, I don't mean it.
I thought we would try. But as for now, never mind...
I finally finally get to express myself out the other day by talking on the phone with Julius.
Our conversation was about 3 hrs and I feel slightly relieved.
I cried my lungs out. Eyes are all swollen and I can barely sleep at night because it hurt so bad.
That night was the most painful night I ever had but at least, I get to express myself once more and that is the night where I feel, I really should be letting go and live my life happier.
I should be out there searching for my happiness and not trapped with my past.
There are A LOT more that I should be writing, but yahh... I just.. suddenly forgotten about it again.
My siblings knew I was crying and they are all worried about me. I'm sorry and thankful to those who have been staying by my side whenever I needed them. Their hug, shoulders, ears and words of wisdom... is all I need and I just, couldn't ask for more.
Their love is one of a kind. Thank you!
So yeahh, I have done whatever I can do.. I tried, failed but at least.. no regrets.
I love you but I just had to let you go. I hope you're happy and so am I.
Yea, I'm in this love/hate situation to you and that fellow. Last but not least,
fuck you bitch for the last time! ( I don't care and I just wanna say it!!!!)
But still, as far as I'm letting go.. I'm wishing for the best for myself. Hoping to let go and will be able to change for a better self. My anger and such... I hope I can pull this off, Perfectly.
No matter what, I will still be there for you whenever you needed me. As a friend or whatever.
I think this is the only thing that I could offer you and myself now even if you don't ever needed it...
Silly right?
I'm finally willing to let go slowly after so long and I'd hope it works!
There are too many things that I need to say, but I can't remember.. again! -_-
Anyway,
Let's just hope for the best for myself.
Love, is all about communication and compromising. No one is perfect.
The end.
Will add on if I have anything else in mind! :P
Till then.
Tuesday, 6 August 2013
06082013 ; All that about ♥
Another gloomy day / tuesday of mine.
Nothing has changed, It is just another boring day to me...
I'm currently in dad's office, thought of helping.. but in fact, I'm here to just.. Sit?
I have done NOTHING in this 3 working days.
I'm actually supposed to go for more interviews, or browse for more potential companies or even do alteration for the NPYDA competition which I planned to participate earlier. I'm just, too dull too bored and too lazy to do so!
Well, I have just been through another silly silly morning today!
What I mean is.. As I woke up, I feel like giving myself one last shot. I feel like asking him again if he can come back to me. Just one simple sentence,
"Can you come back to me?"
I wanted to ask him this so so much but I have no guts. I asked my friend if I should ask him, but I hasn't gotten any reply yet. I'm not sure what my friend will say to me but, I'm pretty sure what he will be replying...
"Can you don't be like this? we're over..." Or anything.
I'm so scared of his words, but just can't help it but being stupid.
I know the chance is beyond negative, but I'm just plain stubborn to hurt myself once more.
No matter what his answer will be, it will definitely hurt me more. But another side of mine kept telling me that, If I don't try, I will never know if there's miracle and who knows he may consider?
WHY ON EARTH THERE'S SUCH WOMAN?
I told him that I won't be that "bitch" to snatch someone's boyfriend, but what am I doing now?
Btw, WTF much. He was mine and you "snatched" him from me. Fuck you bitch -___-
Sorry, can't help it. Pardon me!
I'm becoming more and more violence. I gotta control.. control myself.. control my emotions...
Guess I'm just toooooo free now that I have way too much of time thinking on non sense.
I should have do other things and make full use of my time :(
At first, I wanted to ask him, but ended up I didn't. But after awhile.. I made up my mind to confront him... Telling him what I feel, asking him if he can come back to me.. He haven't even read the message after hours. I panicked. Wondering what he will be replying or even if he has read it...
I panicked every time when I heard the fb chat sound >.<
OhMyGosh!!
Anyway, my brain is all jumbled up. Really luan 7 8 zhao. I don't know why am I doing so...
What do I wanna get from that, but I just did :(
Hmmm, I don't know what else should I say. Just, again... all the best to myself.
Learn from the past, maybe?
Jia you ba ♥
Till then.
Nothing has changed, It is just another boring day to me...
I'm currently in dad's office, thought of helping.. but in fact, I'm here to just.. Sit?
I have done NOTHING in this 3 working days.
I'm actually supposed to go for more interviews, or browse for more potential companies or even do alteration for the NPYDA competition which I planned to participate earlier. I'm just, too dull too bored and too lazy to do so!
Well, I have just been through another silly silly morning today!
What I mean is.. As I woke up, I feel like giving myself one last shot. I feel like asking him again if he can come back to me. Just one simple sentence,
"Can you come back to me?"
I wanted to ask him this so so much but I have no guts. I asked my friend if I should ask him, but I hasn't gotten any reply yet. I'm not sure what my friend will say to me but, I'm pretty sure what he will be replying...
"Can you don't be like this? we're over..." Or anything.
I'm so scared of his words, but just can't help it but being stupid.
I know the chance is beyond negative, but I'm just plain stubborn to hurt myself once more.
No matter what his answer will be, it will definitely hurt me more. But another side of mine kept telling me that, If I don't try, I will never know if there's miracle and who knows he may consider?
WHY ON EARTH THERE'S SUCH WOMAN?
I told him that I won't be that "bitch" to snatch someone's boyfriend, but what am I doing now?
Btw, WTF much. He was mine and you "snatched" him from me. Fuck you bitch -___-
Sorry, can't help it. Pardon me!
I'm becoming more and more violence. I gotta control.. control myself.. control my emotions...
Guess I'm just toooooo free now that I have way too much of time thinking on non sense.
I should have do other things and make full use of my time :(
At first, I wanted to ask him, but ended up I didn't. But after awhile.. I made up my mind to confront him... Telling him what I feel, asking him if he can come back to me.. He haven't even read the message after hours. I panicked. Wondering what he will be replying or even if he has read it...
I panicked every time when I heard the fb chat sound >.<
OhMyGosh!!
Anyway, my brain is all jumbled up. Really luan 7 8 zhao. I don't know why am I doing so...
What do I wanna get from that, but I just did :(
Hmmm, I don't know what else should I say. Just, again... all the best to myself.
Learn from the past, maybe?
Jia you ba ♥
Till then.
Monday, 5 August 2013
05082013 ; All that about ♥
Monday blueeeee, they said.
But to me, every day is so-so to me.
I feel pretty, empty again. I don't know what I want to do, what's next and such.
I bet this post is going to be damn long tooo.
I feel like expressing again... It is just few more days until it is officially 3 months since that day.
Bet it's just going to be another hard day for me. Maybe? Hmmm, we'll find out soon.
I'm trying very hard to fight against my mindset. I told xy that I tend to hold my tears and I feel so bad. It feels as if It is "unfinished" and I can't move forward. I'm trapped, feeling all numb alone.
Tried to live happily everyday because there's no turning back to yesterday...
I know whatever I've lost... It will be gone, forever.
I recall all the words, promises that he used to tell me. We have thought of a lot of things together.
Marriage, wedding car, our dream and all... We both knew.
From our very own graduation trip to Malacca (his hometown) after my presentation to our Bkk trip, to buying iphone 5 at the end of the year.. buying me rings... flowers for convo.. etc etc.
There are just so many things that we've thought,TOGETHER... But nothing has come true.
It feels much much painful as days passed.
Xy is right, we can't take all the promises so seriously. It is just through mouth and there isn't any black or white. I don't mean we're not allowed to promise or what... but, do it as you say.
If you never thought of doing so, then don't mention.
We gotta work to chase our dream, but if you're only dreaming without having the thought of chasing it, why would you? I mean, as for me... I mentioned about stuffs I want to do with you, I never thought of giving up.
I really want to achieve it with you. Be the one for you... we said this will be your final relationship.
I will be your 3rd and last and you will be my first and last :)
But... what now?
I'm all dull, heart died and at the same time, worried that I won't be able to find someone else again.
I told xy that, "I'm afraid to gu du dao lao". Although I know I'm still young, I shouldn't be thinking in such way. She also said that, I've always wanting to look backwards.. Talking about stuffs from the past.
"last time, last time... Him him him"
How can I let go like this?
In fact, I didn't even thought of letting go. Even now, I'm still hoping for miracle to happen.
I don't know why I'm so grey.
Xy also told me that, I can always let them know whenever I need someone or whenever I want to express myself. Because nowadays.. when I'm feeling sad and wanting to cry.. I tend to hold my tears and emotions. I stopped myself from crying, but I keep them to myself.
I tried talking to Pretty yesterday morning... I told her about my sudden urge to find him and ask him to come back although I know he wouldn't want it any more. As predicted, her words are full with torn. Telling me that it is normal, but I just need to stay strong and firm.. try to fight against my flashback.
I know they are all good for me, wanting me to let go.
I wish I could. Just give me more time.
At this point of view, I'm desperately wanting to let go all my memories despite it is good or bad.
Please, leave me alone. I don't want them any more... This pain is unbearable.
I wonder... what if, 2 years back.. I really gave up and you didn't thought of coming to me.
All this wouldn't happen and we could be friends. But, urghhh...
What if... I realised our problem earlier and we could fix this.
What if what if what if WHAT IF! Damn!
I don't know. I never regret loving you! But Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! So damn twisted!
I'm talking about the same thing everyday...
Everyone is bored and sick of me talking about the same thing, and they are bored of telling me the same shits too. But, I just can't help it. If I was given a chance, I would definitely take the risk to get back your heart. Yes, It sounded utmost blardy stupid...
but b, wo zhen de hen ai ni :(
Look which stupid woman is talking again? Sighhh.. Everyday, I talked to god and wished for the best for myself. Please, just let me go through this. I'm sick, tired and bored.
I need to get a life too.
Someone told me that... I'm used to be one happy girl. It is not worth to be sad for a man who doesn't dear me. Some even say, He don't even seems to regret what he have done, so why are you still thinking on impossible stuffs?
I can even relate anything and everything with him and that makes me even more pathetic.
Yes, I missed him A LOT. Thinking all day and night if he EVER think about us again or he is happily living his life now? Have they argued before? Will he think of me?
My goodness. Why am I so stupid? :(
Till then.
But to me, every day is so-so to me.
I feel pretty, empty again. I don't know what I want to do, what's next and such.
I bet this post is going to be damn long tooo.
I feel like expressing again... It is just few more days until it is officially 3 months since that day.
Bet it's just going to be another hard day for me. Maybe? Hmmm, we'll find out soon.
I'm trying very hard to fight against my mindset. I told xy that I tend to hold my tears and I feel so bad. It feels as if It is "unfinished" and I can't move forward. I'm trapped, feeling all numb alone.
Tried to live happily everyday because there's no turning back to yesterday...
I know whatever I've lost... It will be gone, forever.
I recall all the words, promises that he used to tell me. We have thought of a lot of things together.
Marriage, wedding car, our dream and all... We both knew.
From our very own graduation trip to Malacca (his hometown) after my presentation to our Bkk trip, to buying iphone 5 at the end of the year.. buying me rings... flowers for convo.. etc etc.
It feels much much painful as days passed.
Xy is right, we can't take all the promises so seriously. It is just through mouth and there isn't any black or white. I don't mean we're not allowed to promise or what... but, do it as you say.
If you never thought of doing so, then don't mention.
We gotta work to chase our dream, but if you're only dreaming without having the thought of chasing it, why would you? I mean, as for me... I mentioned about stuffs I want to do with you, I never thought of giving up.
I really want to achieve it with you. Be the one for you... we said this will be your final relationship.
I will be your 3rd and last and you will be my first and last :)
But... what now?
I'm all dull, heart died and at the same time, worried that I won't be able to find someone else again.
I told xy that, "I'm afraid to gu du dao lao". Although I know I'm still young, I shouldn't be thinking in such way. She also said that, I've always wanting to look backwards.. Talking about stuffs from the past.
"last time, last time... Him him him"
How can I let go like this?
In fact, I didn't even thought of letting go. Even now, I'm still hoping for miracle to happen.
I don't know why I'm so grey.
Xy also told me that, I can always let them know whenever I need someone or whenever I want to express myself. Because nowadays.. when I'm feeling sad and wanting to cry.. I tend to hold my tears and emotions. I stopped myself from crying, but I keep them to myself.
I tried talking to Pretty yesterday morning... I told her about my sudden urge to find him and ask him to come back although I know he wouldn't want it any more. As predicted, her words are full with torn. Telling me that it is normal, but I just need to stay strong and firm.. try to fight against my flashback.
I know they are all good for me, wanting me to let go.
I wish I could. Just give me more time.
At this point of view, I'm desperately wanting to let go all my memories despite it is good or bad.
Please, leave me alone. I don't want them any more... This pain is unbearable.
I wonder... what if, 2 years back.. I really gave up and you didn't thought of coming to me.
All this wouldn't happen and we could be friends. But, urghhh...
What if... I realised our problem earlier and we could fix this.
What if what if what if WHAT IF! Damn!
I don't know. I never regret loving you! But Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! So damn twisted!
I'm talking about the same thing everyday...
Everyone is bored and sick of me talking about the same thing, and they are bored of telling me the same shits too. But, I just can't help it. If I was given a chance, I would definitely take the risk to get back your heart. Yes, It sounded utmost blardy stupid...
but b, wo zhen de hen ai ni :(
Look which stupid woman is talking again? Sighhh.. Everyday, I talked to god and wished for the best for myself. Please, just let me go through this. I'm sick, tired and bored.
I need to get a life too.
Someone told me that... I'm used to be one happy girl. It is not worth to be sad for a man who doesn't dear me. Some even say, He don't even seems to regret what he have done, so why are you still thinking on impossible stuffs?
I can even relate anything and everything with him and that makes me even more pathetic.
Yes, I missed him A LOT. Thinking all day and night if he EVER think about us again or he is happily living his life now? Have they argued before? Will he think of me?
My goodness. Why am I so stupid? :(
Till then.
Friday, 2 August 2013
03082013 ; All that about ♥
Just another day where I feel like posting a post on my recent everything...
I have just posted a post yesterday and here's another one. Because I do feel that, I really have too many things stuck in me and I don't know who / how should I express it out. There are too many things that I feel like SHOUTINGGGGGGGG OUT but, I know I can't.
They are meant to be kept within myself and this is what makes me feel so so bad :(
I used to be the one expressing myself all the way, but knowing "that" certain thing that I can only keep to myself.. It hurts so so bad.
I used to have him with me in all this, but now? zzz...
Yeaaaaa, I'm feeling all down down down downnnn again.
I cried almost everyday and I just don't understand why am I becoming more and more "insane" day by day.Or, it feels like.. It is getting more and more unbearable.
I don't know who can I talk to or who will entertain me.
I talked to Vs, xy and hx but it was just the same, they could only heal my pain temporary.
Telling me not worth it and stuffs.
As of now, I wish.. I could lost all those memories in my brain so that I can feel less pain.
I started to think weird stuffs, and perhaps, it has gone a little too narrow.
I have also thought of doing stupid stuffs to gain his mercy. But, another side of mine told me that...
"No, It ain't gonna work". I know he doesn't give a damn about my life any more.
I know I will not hurt myself or do anything stupid because I know how precious my life is.
I wouldn't act like those who gave up on their life for someone who doesn't dear them.
No, NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
Probably just... I needed more time.
I thought I was all good and everything is in control. I stopped missing him and even so, It is all under my control. But I just don't understand why... why these days I have gone this nuts again?
It's been days since I dream of him at night. But, as I wake up.. the first image that I see is all about him. It is like.. As I open my eyes, the first question that came into my mind is..
"What is he doing? Why he doesn't love me and blah blahh". ..
Why is all this so hard?
I tried to control myself. Telling myself not to think of him/us any more.
I punched the wall but it doesn't hurt as much as my heart does. I feel like having a pillow talk with my siblings... but I just don't get a nice chance or time to do so. Maybe... maybe tonight?
I know I shouldn't have do all this. There are alot more things that I shouldn't be doing but..
I JUST CAN'T GET IT DONE YET!
Oh my, my mood swing again. I hate being alone and I hate everything about you.
How could I fall so deeply to you and you can fall for someone else so easily after?
It's been almost 3 months and look what's happening to me. I don't have a life.
I'm doomed. I'm stuck with all the old memories. I wish to find a way out for myself...
but I'm just too stubborn!
but I'm just too stubborn!
I tear a little when I heard some songs. The song you used to sing to me... Forever Love eh?
Stupid. So so stupid. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
It's just another day where, I'm officially missing you.
I wanted to post the song on Facebook, but I know I can't be acting pathetically any more.
So, nope. It hurts but so what?
The other day, I told someone that "I'm a strong woman" but he said,
"No matter how strong a woman is, she will have a weak point too".
Yes, I have been acting as if I'm strong and even thought myself is strong. But in fact, I'm one toufu.
I wanted to post the song on Facebook, but I know I can't be acting pathetically any more.
So, nope. It hurts but so what?
The other day, I told someone that "I'm a strong woman" but he said,
"No matter how strong a woman is, she will have a weak point too".
Yes, I have been acting as if I'm strong and even thought myself is strong. But in fact, I'm one toufu.
I'm just, too stupid too speechless.
Till then.
02082013 ; All that about ♥
It's been another week since I last blogged again and yeaaa, I mentioned about a crush? in the previous post? NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, It is confirmed that...
It is just another crush.
Now I feel NOTHING for him, and bet he's happy with his life too. No one has ever bother about my life,
What am I to them? -__- Blardy hell.
Anyway,
Back to the topic... These few days has been the craziest days ever in my life. Everything turned upside down once more. The strong feeling of having him again is back and I have just.. sent him a message via fb telling him that I still loves him and such.
I mean, Yeaaa, I do feel a little better after expressing myself. But, how would he feel?
Again, I'm feeling allllllllll pathetic now. Crying and emotionally unstable.. I tend to cry every second or gets angry whenever I see any of their friend tagged THEM regarding any post.
I.JUST.HATED.IT.SO.SO.MUCH! Wtf bitch or dude. Really.. WTF!
He actually reads it and replied " ok.thank you".
I was overwhelmed, because as far as I know.. I only wish that he know what am I still thinking about.
Yes, until now.. I really do loves him alot. I cried this morning and texted all my darlings...
I told them that I can stand no more and I feel like going to confront him once more,
telling him how much I love him and such... and probably, beg him back?
But as predicted, All the feedback are NEGATIVE.
They said it is not worth (I know), but I just can't get rid of him from my mind :(
I do still feel that, if.. what IF on 10/5 that day... If I texted and let him know earlier..
Probably PROBABLY he wouldn't have done such decisions? Maybe? blah blah blahhhhhhhh...
BUT, it is all too late again :'(
WHYYYYYYYY?
Up till now, I still wish I could have him back.. I thought I'm all good after so long but no,
I lied. It will be officially 3 months since we broke up on the 11th this month and I can tell that...
It WON'T be good to me. Whatever it is, on every 26th and 11th.. I will not be good.
I doubted my own ability.
I'm actually prepared to be scolded by my darlings once I sent them the text, and yes, as predicted.. Vs scolded me and such. I just hope that they won't give up on me. Please? :(
Really too many things happening around and whatever it is..
I just can find my way to relate myself into it and think back what we both have discussed earlier.
Things like, introducing him to my family during SQ and all.. but he didn't show up and such.
Urghhh, it is too heart breaking and I really do envy Vs and ming for being able to go through all this for so long. I really do.
Now, I'm really not sure what's going to happen in the future but I can only wish for the best for myself?
Pretty please? :'(
Anyway, for now. I really would love to hear from him. His everything..
I know he do not need me back, but I will always be there for him. Silly much? :(
i always said that, I dare not wish, but I'm still wishing for it >.<
Urghhhhhh! I'm getting out of my mind! I just hope that, I could stop crying and look forward.
Really, I need to get a life.
Same goes to you too, my dear friend who will be reading this.
We shall work hard together, maybe to look forward but not backwards.
I know I sound like I'm bullshitting, but I really am twisted at times! I'm not sure what I want and such.
I just hope that I wouldn't give up on anything now.
Ps : I almost give up and it seems I will do silly stuffs >.<
No, I won't kill myself but I don't know la!!!
Goddddddddd. Please, just let us go through this.
I may not have the strength to go any further any more, am still trying now.
I shall stop bullshiting.
Till then.
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