24092013 ; All that about myself

Another week had passed. Too emotional, too many inner things happening.. My heart and hand was out of control. I personal message him whenever I feel like doing it when I'm actually supposed to keep everything within myself.

I had no one to talk to now. Wanted to ask Dudu, Hs, Hx and Nicol to accompany me or have a little chat. But they are either busy or didn't reply me.

I feel so so down and I'm feeling extremely "cold" inside out. Feel so so lifeless.

Two days back, I message him and beg him to come back to me. I was literally begging him to come back..
Yes.. I BEGGED. But I have gotten no reply from him (as expected).

Which then, I became more and more intensive.. I asked him to listen to our songs again as it was filled with our beautiful memories. It was the song where we're together and learn to hang on no matter what. I wished he will come back to me.

WISHED. I really really wish so. 

I went to bed after I send him the message and fortunate enough, I silent my tab. I don't know why but I sort of having the insting that he will reply me during the night and IF I happen to read it before I go to bed, for sure I won't be able to sleep the whole night thinking for all the IFs, WILLs and etc...


So, yeapp, He did reply during midnight and I read it this morning. It was heart breaking...

I wonder, how come a girl can be so stupid? I have been hurt for numerous time but still keep trying to receive more negative replies which will make my day worse. Why?

I can't stop imagining that he was either very ill and don't want me to worry (dramatic kind of situation) or he have his very own reason for doing this to us. But I knew that, these are all the reasons that I made for myself in which, the truth is... he changed.

Well, I talked to Angeline and Nicol after I came back from lunch. As usual, they both say the same thing... Let go of him. Not worth or blah blahhh.. The same comforting words.

I get it, I totally get it. But, most importantly... They said, I'm still unable to look forward. Which is true.
I ALWAYS said that I will try or change to look forward, but I never. In fact, I have always been saying... If If If, and etc. Look, I'm still the old me. Crying and stuffs all alone. Even xy also got upset with me now :(


I bet, Angeline is the same too. Sighhh.

Was it me or what, but everything was such a coincident. Everything surrounding me makes me think of him or us. I'm frustrated. Or probably, It was one of the challenge for me to go through?

I hope I really will learn some day. Mean while, picture below is what he told me. It was very clear.

DIE HEART SL DIE HEART. 

Till then.

18092013 ; All that about myself

It's been 9 days since I last updated. I have been really busy with interviews or hanging out with my lovelies.
It's been a hectic but fun week I would say...

So last Sunday was my Convocation, had so much fun with my girls the night before and.. It's definitely going to be the most memorable day or moment for  me. But there's only one thing which would be perfect If I could have it with me that day... Him.

It's amazing how you see others having their love ones attending our convocation with their best wishes to their loved ones. I envy.

He did show up at our convocation... He's there probably for his brothers but not me.

I was so silly to even bring them into the hall to meet Simon and Kent when I see them standing beside when I walked out to check for my siblings arrival.. I was hungry before I see him but my appetite is gone after I saw him.


Siew Leng... when will you learn? Sighhh... 


Worse of all, you actually tried to get him back last night. You tell him all sort of things which will make no difference. He just, don't love you any more. He love someone else... I can't take my mind off the things he said. But I trust him. Do you think we will have chance in the future?

I promised him that, I will prove it to him in the future if we have the chance. Was I being too silly?

It's been 4 months plus and it seems I can't let go of him.

There was once, I told him that he has taken all my first time and there's no way for me to let go. He then ask me what he should do and even if he together back with me.. will I be happy?

As much as I want it, I feel like giving a big shout out like "YESSSSSSSS!", but I know we'll not be happy.
I feel like being all selfish to keep him with me and try to win his heart back, but I know he's as stubborn as me and he won't be happy.

I really really wish to tell him "Yes" and see what's his reaction... But, I had no courage to do so.

My dear, what have I done to deserve this? Why don't or can't you trust me? I've never see us coming to such ending. I love you my dear. Why?

I cried again.


He told me that I will still be his best friend ever and he's glad to be with me last time.

I told him that, "I don't want it" but I don't want him to tell me about his choices... I think I know what he will be telling me and It hurts.


So twisted and why it seems I'm so desperate to look for a new one? I don't want to be like him >.<
Siew Leng, always remember that... people do it, that doesn't mean that you have to do the same. I know it's not fair for you no matter what his explanation is. But, what can you do?

Siew Leng, forget it / him will you?



Sighhh. 



Till then.

09092013 ; All that about myself

It's 2 days until 11th which wraps to the 4th month after breaking up. I remember on 9th May (his birthday), It was a major heart ache day for both of us. I was stubborn on how we didn't acted like we're couple and was showing off my temper when I see other couple being sweet and hugging around in the mall. I was sad and I brought his mood down too.

I remember how I was in cold in the cinema and he wanted to rub my hands to keep me warm... But I didn't let him do it. Because I was upset on our current situation :(

I regretted now. I regret even MORE for not being able to get him a Birthday gift...

I never learn to be less stubborn on things, but, I finally learned now.
We grew after we've committed huge mistakes. I do not know how many times do I have to repeat that I'm still loving him even if it had been 4 months and I think he is already in a new relationship for the past 3 months.

Time flies, and I have no idea how sensitive can I be with all the dates or coincident that I've met lately reminding me on all the things happened in my life. It was such an coincident when people around you are doing or going somewhere on those dates and it reminds you on what had happened on you...
Or even when I look at any pictures or anything which falls before the day, It made me recall what we're doing and stuffs... It's heart breaking.
You get what I mean?

Call me stubborn, stupid or anything that you want to.

People have been asking me why can't I just let it go and I've been asking myself too. But just, It's never going to be easy for me. It is my first love, everything was my first! How can I let go?

Yes, It's been 4 months.. But to me, It is not that long after all. Some one else can still be together again after half a year, so I have been thinking... why can't we?

But errr, I shall stop acting stupid (How many times do I have to tell myself?!). I chat with him a little the other day and he told me that he has been good lately. Well, I think I know right?

Siew Leng, always remember that.. No matter what happens, he will never come back to you again.
Not even a single fuck was given to you regardless what kind of situation you're in. He just.. don't give you a damn any more.  Remember all the days where you cry for him, and what did you get in return.

You'll never learn to be stronger if you didn't fall. But now, It is time for you to heal from all the pain that you gained. There will never be the end if you never show some effort.

You've grown stronger. You can do it no one can! You have done your best for him.. You care for him even until now, but if he thinks you're all fine and showing you funny shits, remember not to give a single damn too.

No one deserve to be treated in such, especially you!

Anyway, It's less than a week to convo. Stay positive, happy and pretty! :)
Get rid of all the pimplessss on your face!


Jia you Siew Leng! You're still young.. why worry no one wants you? LOL.
Slap me ba...

Signing off with a great laugh to cheer myself up...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!



Till then.

06092013 ; All that about myself

Halloooooo! (As If I have visitor...Hahaha!) 

I have been stuck with my memories, thinking back what we have done and etc. Why wouldn't he want me any more? Was I really that bad and he had to dump me? Honestly, until today... I'm really really numb and my memory has started to fade... I can't remember what I have done which leads us to this end..

Who have him talked to and what he has been thinking. It's really unfair for me. I still remember that, just 1 or 2 weeks after we broke up, I asked him if he missed me and he said he is. We hug and.. Urgh!! Was it all fake and that's when she started coming in??

Was it all my fault?

Anyway, I have made my vows that I'm going to move forward and hope for the best. But whether he is coming back as a friend or what, It's beyond my control. I shall just, stay happily, wait for my convocation, get a job and most importantly...get a life! 


I have to be as inspiring like how I used to be :)


I believe someone else will walked into my life again in the future.
Let's keep things all positive. Shall we?

Siew Leng, I know you have gotten deep deep wounds at heart. But, always learn from the pain and move forward like how everyone does it. There's nothing that you cannot do... You didn't get him back not because you gave up on him, but he neglected to see the beautiful side of yours and trapped with all your bad thoughts. I would say, It's not my fault entirely. I was the victim after all?

Hmmmm, I do not know. But move on my dear. If Lun and Huixin can do it, you can do the same too!

I remember huixin said, "He put you through hell, you don't have to be so nice to him any more before he uses you...".

I'm not going to praise myself, but I just have to say that... I really never bad mouth about him in front of anyone regardless what happened and how bad I have been. I just keep my mouth shut whenever they talk about him.. Even until today, I seldom talk bad about him thought. All I want him to know is, I'll always be there for him. I swear to god that I've been pretty good EXCEPT for my hot temper. Why wouldn't he give me a chance? Sighhhh...
Silly girl is silly.

Hao ba, now jia you jian fei and stop thinking on others... No matter how many times you want to repeat, thing wouldn't change. Regret? So what? As what Julian said, there will be a lot of bees coming If I managed to loose weight :)

Yeay! I bet I will look drop dead gorgeous one day too! Hehehe :P

Jia you ba Siew Leng! You're not alone! So much love from everyone and happy dating with darling tonight! :D



Till then.


It's a fri-yeay! 

05092013 ; All that about myself

I have been blogging regularly this week because It feels like I have things to be shared almost every single day. I have no one to talk to, hence, I ended up recording here.

Yeapp, It's going to be another missing-him-post I guess. Like what I have always been saying, I have been dreaming about him/us/them lately. To be specific, I hasn't been dreaming any more this week but I'm waking up earlier (probably around 6am) and my brain keep thinking on shits.

I remember telling Julian that I have stopped having dreams yesterday and on the night itself, I dream about us again.. US. I was so happy in the dream that we both are actually back together, happily setting dates to go for a date and blah blahhh... I remember him saying that, "Okay la.. we go on a date on thursday alright!" and it was on a tuesday in my dream.

I also remembered waking up in the middle of the dream and I continued sleeping after.. surprisingly,
I continue having dreams of US. This time, the whole set up and story line is different...

I remember it happened in Mawar, when I actually have to meet the gang. I reached earlier and I was happily hopping into the house and saw him laying on his bed, blind folded and watching television in his room. I sat next to him, he unfold his eyes and asked me why am I there... He thought I was going to beg him to be with me again. He told me that "we're over" again.

Then I quickly wrap my arms around his face and I told him that I have been dreaming us and all... Telling how I feel and such.. He then, start kissing me and stops me from talking... I was actually crying and I guess he was touched too... then... I'm awake.

I still can remember his room set up clearly. He's laying facing the window and watching the big TV they used to play football game with...

I have no idea what's wrong with me. I have been trying to stop thinking (Or maybe I wasn't?), but it seems thing got worse. Xy said probably I miss him too much.. It's more than 20 days since we last chat..
Even the last time when we chat, it wasn't even sincere. It seems he was forced because I asked for a gift from him...


I really don't know what's wrong. I'm feeling all numb but I cried sometimes. Hmmm...


Also, I don't know why it seems I'm trying damn hard in search for another one. I'm not sure if I really likes them or it was just I'm too desperate? Siew Leng, think properly, feel properly. Don't make other's life miserable even when yours is miserable.

You'll surely have one who loves you to the bit in the future.
(I hope I will)

Too many things happening lately, and I'm getting more and more frustrated towards twisted mankind. You once said someone shouldn't do "this this this", but you ended up be the one who does it.

Boo you freak, you don't keep your promise!



Till then.

Ehh, I miss you and I just checked your facebook.

When ever I'm bored, I'll be down like this. Missing him and thinking on shit stuffs.
Goodness, gym tonight stop thinking, bye! Think of sexy body!

04092013 ; All that about myself

Yesterday was sort of a night mare to me. I actually knell down and beg the "Sky God" to help me a little. I was feeling helpless and eager to break out from this whole situation. It's been quite sometime of me lighting up the sticks and make a wish for myself whenever I feel like doing so everyday before we had our dinner.

I have been doing this for the past few years.. Even when I was 12 years old, I wished for a good result in UPSR and I'm blessed that my results turned out to be pretty good. I'm glad that the god hear my wishes and some of them actually came true! Second Class Upper and such... Thank youuuu! :) 

Therefore, besides than me just lighting up the sticks, It had eventually became my short chit-chat place with the god after. So, ever since it happened, I just can't wait for the night to come everyday so that I could update the god about my current happenings.. What's up and etc. 

(Although I guess they already know what's happening up there, LOL)

So yeahh, yesterday when I was just doing the usual thing.. I got depressed and I cried with my knees down. I asked for instant help, feeling all weak again. I'm not putting the blame to the god for not making my wish to-be-with-him-again come true because I do believe in faith. ..

What belongs to me, will certainly come to me and whichever doesn't, will be away from me regardless how much memories we have. I actually dream of him again yesterday but I can't remember what was it about...

I miss him. I really really do.

I feel like looking at his facebook almost everyday but I stopped myself from doing it so that I won't go any worsen. *I hope everything is beyond control!

It's been a month since I last had a big cry and I really really REALLY do feel like crying out loud on someone's shoulder again. Hmmm, I know I shouldn't counting down on these details, but I don't know why am I so sensitive with words, and digits nowadays. 

Sometimes I'm totally chill and sometimes I'm not. It is heartfelt and I WILL NEVER have enough questions for him. I will feel like asking asking and keep asking on silly questions I used to ask him. 

But yeahh, mehhhh much!

Dear god, if you ever hear me again. I'm thankful for which you have given me. My family and friends who will never leave me alone no matter what happens. I could never walk this far without them supporting me in all ways. As of now, I just wish that I could live happily ever after... 

I know I have been wishing and plain just wishing for it but never seems to work on it. 

I promise I will not give up on my life, to move forward while waiting for the right one to came into my life. 

I'll be wise and do whichever I'm supposed to do. 

But for now, just let me be silly bit, I wish he could listen to my soar and know how am I doing. I don't know If I'm still dying to be his gf or friend, but I'm hoping for the best for myself. I hope I'm not asking for too much. Thanks a bunch! 

Meanwhile, Let's get started with freelancing and kicking the gym tonight! 

Till then. 

03092013 ; All that about myself

Countdown to 4th month : 8 days.

I have no idea what's wrong with my calculation yesterday.. How could it be 7 days away when it's only the 2nd September? What's wrong with youuuuu? -_-

Anyhow, I do realised the changed in me. I no longer be that "chillax" in facing my stuffs. I can't help it to check on your current status and happenings. #stalkermoodon

But I'll go a little upset or mixed feeling if I found out a tiny bit thing related to her -_-

Anyway, besides than going almost-nuts, I just get to know from Chris that they hate me posting stuffs on my face book. I wish I could explain, but I know the more I explain, the worse it will be. It's my thing to keep on explaining until others totally understands me because I don't like people to have doubts or wrong thoughts about me. My goodness >.< Is it bad to be straight forward?

I'm losing my direction to even express myself. Yes, I admit that some of my post's intention is to keep him updated about my happening and everything whether I'm injured or whatever. (I know he may not give a damn, but I just do it laaa. I always do such thing what >.<)

Now it feels like, I can't even express myself through my own page. Damn.
Not to say I like to pleased others, but, at the same time, I don't like to create misunderstanding. You get what I mean? Or was it me who think too much again? Yeaaa, after I talked to Chris, I didn't really bother much because It's over and I can't do anything. But just, it kept bothering myself wondering if I'm annoying and such. Blah blahh. Twisted like hell.

What should I do huh?

It seems I'm not doing well in everything. Feeling so demotivated :/


Hmmm, just talked to darling and found out that, no one is loyal to anyone. I myself have witnessed it on my own. The feeling is horrible. Especially when the heart that used to belongs to you, doesn't belongs to you any more. I'm loosing my patience and trust on others. Whatever forever, it is all bullshit to me now.

Darlinggg, I know you can't read this but I know who is it even when you refused to tell me who is it.
I do feel bad for you. I wish I could talk to you about this, but I know you doesn't wanna talk about it. I hope you're doing fine al right? Love youuu.

I don't know what should I do.. It seems that I'm not working hard enough for it. I need help but I can't help myself feeling annoying :(

God, please, let me go through this. It doesn't really matter any more whether he is coming back or not.
(Well, of course for now I wish he would) but... mehhh. 





Till then.

02092013 ; All that about myself

It's 7 days away until it's officially the 4th month. I feel as If I can handle it at the first few months, but as time goes... I'm feeling more and more depressed. As in, I gets emotional and cry very easily.

Things are going out of hand and I don't know what else should I do. 

Yes, It's been stupidly 4 months and It seems It's getting harder for me to accept. I still wish to know he could notice me, knew that I was injured and all. How stupid can I go...

I remember asking him for a convocation gift, he said he'll consider. But, let's guess if he will get something for me? I... doubt so. 

Besides than that, he also promised me to get me a bouquet of flowers for my convocation too. but now... 

flower? In your dream, Siew Leng! 

Flowers. promises. him. ALL GONE. 

Like what I've mentioned earlier, things are really really getting out of control. 

I've enough of acting strong and cool. I'm weak and fragile.

As much as I wish to let go of him, reminding myself to not think of him, DO NOT stalk him and etc.. 

I do not know why I just, can't do it. I think it was me who made myself super pathetic. 

I actually had a good night last night without waking up earlier to "think". But whenever I was awake, the first thing that came into my mind was.. "Ehh? Why today didn't think one?" 

Then I questioned myself, "Are you sure you want to think?" Don't you want to live happily? 

I even afraid to look at my own instagram history.. Looking at our pictures makes me tear. Anything and everything about us, could rip me into parts. Really, I'm as fragile as a piece of tissue. 

Hmmm, I'm just, weird like that. the longer it is, the crazier I go. I need help, please. 

I'm confused. I do not know what I really want and I often ask myself if I really love him that much? Or It was just because I'm afraid of being alone? How come I will have good thoughts for someone so easily? Or It was just me who is trying to look for a replacement? I really wish to know what's going on in me.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone (I actually have lots of wondering questions towards him again, but, no, I shouldn't ever ask again.). Urghhhhhh, I really do not know!! :( 

Dear SL, do you really really want him back to your life? Are you up for the consequences yet? 

I don't mean you can't wait for him, but what if he doesn't come back? Yes, you have seen many many break up cases in which the couple ended up getting married and stuffs after months, but, it may not happen to everyone. You may just be another one of the unlucky ones. Can you bear with any more pain? 

I think I need a break. 

Till then.