02092013 ; All that about myself

It's 7 days away until it's officially the 4th month. I feel as If I can handle it at the first few months, but as time goes... I'm feeling more and more depressed. As in, I gets emotional and cry very easily.

Things are going out of hand and I don't know what else should I do. 

Yes, It's been stupidly 4 months and It seems It's getting harder for me to accept. I still wish to know he could notice me, knew that I was injured and all. How stupid can I go...

I remember asking him for a convocation gift, he said he'll consider. But, let's guess if he will get something for me? I... doubt so. 

Besides than that, he also promised me to get me a bouquet of flowers for my convocation too. but now... 

flower? In your dream, Siew Leng! 

Flowers. promises. him. ALL GONE. 

Like what I've mentioned earlier, things are really really getting out of control. 

I've enough of acting strong and cool. I'm weak and fragile.

As much as I wish to let go of him, reminding myself to not think of him, DO NOT stalk him and etc.. 

I do not know why I just, can't do it. I think it was me who made myself super pathetic. 

I actually had a good night last night without waking up earlier to "think". But whenever I was awake, the first thing that came into my mind was.. "Ehh? Why today didn't think one?" 

Then I questioned myself, "Are you sure you want to think?" Don't you want to live happily? 

I even afraid to look at my own instagram history.. Looking at our pictures makes me tear. Anything and everything about us, could rip me into parts. Really, I'm as fragile as a piece of tissue. 

Hmmm, I'm just, weird like that. the longer it is, the crazier I go. I need help, please. 

I'm confused. I do not know what I really want and I often ask myself if I really love him that much? Or It was just because I'm afraid of being alone? How come I will have good thoughts for someone so easily? Or It was just me who is trying to look for a replacement? I really wish to know what's going on in me.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone (I actually have lots of wondering questions towards him again, but, no, I shouldn't ever ask again.). Urghhhhhh, I really do not know!! :( 

Dear SL, do you really really want him back to your life? Are you up for the consequences yet? 

I don't mean you can't wait for him, but what if he doesn't come back? Yes, you have seen many many break up cases in which the couple ended up getting married and stuffs after months, but, it may not happen to everyone. You may just be another one of the unlucky ones. Can you bear with any more pain? 

I think I need a break. 

Till then.