04072013 ; All that about ♥

It's been another 2 week since I last updated.. .
I have always wanted to update, but I was either too tired after gym or It's too late.
It's been weeks since I occupy myself with workouts, visiting the gym more and more often so that I could achieve what I want before convocation.

Am still working hard now and hoping to see some results by then! Go! Go! Go! 


Well, in just few more days.. It will be two months after we broke up.
Yes, again. I haven't get over this thing yet. In fact, it has been bothering me for quite sometime.

I even dream of you every morning, just before I wake up and I can still remember each scenes now...
It was sort of giving me hope, or hurting me. This feeling is beyond unbearable.


There was once, I dream of you coming back to me, telling me that you loved me. We hug and happily ever after. I was so happy in my dream and I became extra moody when I realised it was just a dream! :'(

Other than that, It is either scenes where I see both of you are happily dating. WTFFFFFFFFFF. 



Shits do happen! 



Anyway, just last Wednesday... I'm supposed to be at the gym by 7pm with pretty as promised but because I have nothing to do and afraid of jam, I have decided to go BU earlier and wait for the time to go gym.

I actually planned to go mawar straight away to look for him and hopefully we can spend some time together as a friend or whatever before all of us left after graduation. Well, most of them think that I'm too much or too stubborn for wanting to be a friend of him after breaking up. They thought I'm still hoping or whatever.

But to be really honest, YES, I still have a small glimpse of hope with me at that time when I made the decision to look for him. But I really know what's the situation now..

As in, he already have someone else and all I want was just to spend some time together to cure the awkwardness in us.


He wanted us to be close friend, at first, I rejected because I thought it is tooooo ugly for me to accept.
But probably I still loves him, I actually try to accept and witness the truth.


I actually texted him and let him know that I'm going to look for him...
But as predicted, he rejected with all sort of excuses and what makes me mad/sad is that,
he said I don't know him well.


Just a disclaimer, my dear, Yes, I may not know you damn well, but it is undeniable that we've been together for 2 1/2 years and there must be something that I know about you!


I told you that, just do whatever you like as long as you are feeling comfortable and happy.
I have taken a big step for confronting you, telling you that we're friends and that's it.

I even ask you if it is alright for me to meet you. If you don't want me to come, just let me know will you? Just tell me that, I don't wanna see you instead of giving me all sorts of reasons.



The gf don't like and stuffs and etc etc.  It was all too ugly. You made me feel so ugly.




Although he said he is going out and will not be at home. I still went to mawar and talked to christopher at last.

This is the first time where when I see white myvi, I have a strong feeling that It is her.
I can't help it. the feeling is surreal and it feels like "THIS IS IT".

But because I do not know and not too sure, so I actually checked on their shoes.
As I make my way into mawar, I see all his 3 shoes at the rack.. It keep me wondering if they are at home,
because he told me that they are going to KL but how come he wore his slippers instead of his shoes?

So, as I walk to Christopher's room. I see no slippers infront of his room. Then I thought they really went out with slippers.. So from there, I know that the white Myvi is not the car! Pffffffff* 


But after a while, as I was sitting infront of Chris's room.
I heard someone opening the gate, I peeped and I never thought that... It was them walking out. I feel so speechless. I just saw them walking out together.


I guessed they are going to basketball court as he is holding his water bottle BUT not wearing or bringing his basketball shoe. Probably, they just go out for a walk or talk?

My heart sunk. I witnesses "them" myself. But there's one question that keeps bothering me...
"Why do he/they hide their shoe in the room?"


I said this because, just the day before all this happen, I actually see him having his slippers outside of his room. Why on earth he wanna put their slippers in the room suddenly?
I do not know and I don't wanna ask.

I talked to Chris and yea, everyone hope that I could live for myself and forget him ASAP.
it is hard, but I tried.


Last week, after that incident, I never ever look for him. Except for stalking him and see what time he sleeps and all... I didn't look for him directly. I feel a little more alive and I really did try to live my life for myself.


But there's one thing that I can't help it, at least for now... whenever I see the car.
I feel so mad, so sad and everything negative.


I do not know if I'm stalking them or I just have good observation skills?
I tend to know where are they going, what do they do and all. I can see all things clearly.

Just yesterday, as much as I ALMOST called him to get some money for me to pay toll, I didn't.
But surprisingly, he came to talk to me. Asking me about my car and my whereabouts. I told him that I'm going to Gym and blah blahhh.

We did talk something else too and the whole conversation ended about an hour later.
I was so happy that he actually came to talk to me!
I do not know what's on his mind, for now, if he wants me to be his friend. I'd always welcome him.
But, I do not know what will happen in the future.

I started to hate you for showing me all the little little things.
I don't know what I wanted to say but... I feel, I'm feeling more and more unbearable.


I love you but, this is too much to take now. I don't see myself in you... As in, I don't see a form of respect from you. I started telling myself that, I will soon be able to let go of him. Let him know that I can live better even without him.



I'm trying, I'm trying!


As far as I'm brave to tell this now. Another side of mine shrink. I keep telling myself that I can't love him anymore and comforting myself that I will be getting a better one soon in the future.


Again, as I'm writing this. I feel I have sooooooooooo much to tell. But, it is all beyond words.
But there's one thing that I'm very sure, it is, my feeling towards has not ended.

Believe it or not, I'm still wishing and hoping that you will recall back some scenes and you will,
" Ohhh, I still love her most" or any similar scenes.  I'M VERY SILLY, I KNOW! 



Alright, boo ya! Am getting out of here before I start jumble up everything.
Too many things happening, too little space for me to express!
Shall update more often for a clearer post.



Till then.