24092013 ; All that about myself

Another week had passed. Too emotional, too many inner things happening.. My heart and hand was out of control. I personal message him whenever I feel like doing it when I'm actually supposed to keep everything within myself.

I had no one to talk to now. Wanted to ask Dudu, Hs, Hx and Nicol to accompany me or have a little chat. But they are either busy or didn't reply me.

I feel so so down and I'm feeling extremely "cold" inside out. Feel so so lifeless.

Two days back, I message him and beg him to come back to me. I was literally begging him to come back..
Yes.. I BEGGED. But I have gotten no reply from him (as expected).

Which then, I became more and more intensive.. I asked him to listen to our songs again as it was filled with our beautiful memories. It was the song where we're together and learn to hang on no matter what. I wished he will come back to me.

WISHED. I really really wish so. 

I went to bed after I send him the message and fortunate enough, I silent my tab. I don't know why but I sort of having the insting that he will reply me during the night and IF I happen to read it before I go to bed, for sure I won't be able to sleep the whole night thinking for all the IFs, WILLs and etc...


So, yeapp, He did reply during midnight and I read it this morning. It was heart breaking...

I wonder, how come a girl can be so stupid? I have been hurt for numerous time but still keep trying to receive more negative replies which will make my day worse. Why?

I can't stop imagining that he was either very ill and don't want me to worry (dramatic kind of situation) or he have his very own reason for doing this to us. But I knew that, these are all the reasons that I made for myself in which, the truth is... he changed.

Well, I talked to Angeline and Nicol after I came back from lunch. As usual, they both say the same thing... Let go of him. Not worth or blah blahhh.. The same comforting words.

I get it, I totally get it. But, most importantly... They said, I'm still unable to look forward. Which is true.
I ALWAYS said that I will try or change to look forward, but I never. In fact, I have always been saying... If If If, and etc. Look, I'm still the old me. Crying and stuffs all alone. Even xy also got upset with me now :(


I bet, Angeline is the same too. Sighhh.

Was it me or what, but everything was such a coincident. Everything surrounding me makes me think of him or us. I'm frustrated. Or probably, It was one of the challenge for me to go through?

I hope I really will learn some day. Mean while, picture below is what he told me. It was very clear.

DIE HEART SL DIE HEART. 

Till then.

18092013 ; All that about myself

It's been 9 days since I last updated. I have been really busy with interviews or hanging out with my lovelies.
It's been a hectic but fun week I would say...

So last Sunday was my Convocation, had so much fun with my girls the night before and.. It's definitely going to be the most memorable day or moment for  me. But there's only one thing which would be perfect If I could have it with me that day... Him.

It's amazing how you see others having their love ones attending our convocation with their best wishes to their loved ones. I envy.

He did show up at our convocation... He's there probably for his brothers but not me.

I was so silly to even bring them into the hall to meet Simon and Kent when I see them standing beside when I walked out to check for my siblings arrival.. I was hungry before I see him but my appetite is gone after I saw him.


Siew Leng... when will you learn? Sighhh... 


Worse of all, you actually tried to get him back last night. You tell him all sort of things which will make no difference. He just, don't love you any more. He love someone else... I can't take my mind off the things he said. But I trust him. Do you think we will have chance in the future?

I promised him that, I will prove it to him in the future if we have the chance. Was I being too silly?

It's been 4 months plus and it seems I can't let go of him.

There was once, I told him that he has taken all my first time and there's no way for me to let go. He then ask me what he should do and even if he together back with me.. will I be happy?

As much as I want it, I feel like giving a big shout out like "YESSSSSSSS!", but I know we'll not be happy.
I feel like being all selfish to keep him with me and try to win his heart back, but I know he's as stubborn as me and he won't be happy.

I really really wish to tell him "Yes" and see what's his reaction... But, I had no courage to do so.

My dear, what have I done to deserve this? Why don't or can't you trust me? I've never see us coming to such ending. I love you my dear. Why?

I cried again.


He told me that I will still be his best friend ever and he's glad to be with me last time.

I told him that, "I don't want it" but I don't want him to tell me about his choices... I think I know what he will be telling me and It hurts.


So twisted and why it seems I'm so desperate to look for a new one? I don't want to be like him >.<
Siew Leng, always remember that... people do it, that doesn't mean that you have to do the same. I know it's not fair for you no matter what his explanation is. But, what can you do?

Siew Leng, forget it / him will you?



Sighhh. 



Till then.

09092013 ; All that about myself

It's 2 days until 11th which wraps to the 4th month after breaking up. I remember on 9th May (his birthday), It was a major heart ache day for both of us. I was stubborn on how we didn't acted like we're couple and was showing off my temper when I see other couple being sweet and hugging around in the mall. I was sad and I brought his mood down too.

I remember how I was in cold in the cinema and he wanted to rub my hands to keep me warm... But I didn't let him do it. Because I was upset on our current situation :(

I regretted now. I regret even MORE for not being able to get him a Birthday gift...

I never learn to be less stubborn on things, but, I finally learned now.
We grew after we've committed huge mistakes. I do not know how many times do I have to repeat that I'm still loving him even if it had been 4 months and I think he is already in a new relationship for the past 3 months.

Time flies, and I have no idea how sensitive can I be with all the dates or coincident that I've met lately reminding me on all the things happened in my life. It was such an coincident when people around you are doing or going somewhere on those dates and it reminds you on what had happened on you...
Or even when I look at any pictures or anything which falls before the day, It made me recall what we're doing and stuffs... It's heart breaking.
You get what I mean?

Call me stubborn, stupid or anything that you want to.

People have been asking me why can't I just let it go and I've been asking myself too. But just, It's never going to be easy for me. It is my first love, everything was my first! How can I let go?

Yes, It's been 4 months.. But to me, It is not that long after all. Some one else can still be together again after half a year, so I have been thinking... why can't we?

But errr, I shall stop acting stupid (How many times do I have to tell myself?!). I chat with him a little the other day and he told me that he has been good lately. Well, I think I know right?

Siew Leng, always remember that.. No matter what happens, he will never come back to you again.
Not even a single fuck was given to you regardless what kind of situation you're in. He just.. don't give you a damn any more.  Remember all the days where you cry for him, and what did you get in return.

You'll never learn to be stronger if you didn't fall. But now, It is time for you to heal from all the pain that you gained. There will never be the end if you never show some effort.

You've grown stronger. You can do it no one can! You have done your best for him.. You care for him even until now, but if he thinks you're all fine and showing you funny shits, remember not to give a single damn too.

No one deserve to be treated in such, especially you!

Anyway, It's less than a week to convo. Stay positive, happy and pretty! :)
Get rid of all the pimplessss on your face!


Jia you Siew Leng! You're still young.. why worry no one wants you? LOL.
Slap me ba...

Signing off with a great laugh to cheer myself up...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!



Till then.

06092013 ; All that about myself

Halloooooo! (As If I have visitor...Hahaha!) 

I have been stuck with my memories, thinking back what we have done and etc. Why wouldn't he want me any more? Was I really that bad and he had to dump me? Honestly, until today... I'm really really numb and my memory has started to fade... I can't remember what I have done which leads us to this end..

Who have him talked to and what he has been thinking. It's really unfair for me. I still remember that, just 1 or 2 weeks after we broke up, I asked him if he missed me and he said he is. We hug and.. Urgh!! Was it all fake and that's when she started coming in??

Was it all my fault?

Anyway, I have made my vows that I'm going to move forward and hope for the best. But whether he is coming back as a friend or what, It's beyond my control. I shall just, stay happily, wait for my convocation, get a job and most importantly...get a life! 


I have to be as inspiring like how I used to be :)


I believe someone else will walked into my life again in the future.
Let's keep things all positive. Shall we?

Siew Leng, I know you have gotten deep deep wounds at heart. But, always learn from the pain and move forward like how everyone does it. There's nothing that you cannot do... You didn't get him back not because you gave up on him, but he neglected to see the beautiful side of yours and trapped with all your bad thoughts. I would say, It's not my fault entirely. I was the victim after all?

Hmmmm, I do not know. But move on my dear. If Lun and Huixin can do it, you can do the same too!

I remember huixin said, "He put you through hell, you don't have to be so nice to him any more before he uses you...".

I'm not going to praise myself, but I just have to say that... I really never bad mouth about him in front of anyone regardless what happened and how bad I have been. I just keep my mouth shut whenever they talk about him.. Even until today, I seldom talk bad about him thought. All I want him to know is, I'll always be there for him. I swear to god that I've been pretty good EXCEPT for my hot temper. Why wouldn't he give me a chance? Sighhhh...
Silly girl is silly.

Hao ba, now jia you jian fei and stop thinking on others... No matter how many times you want to repeat, thing wouldn't change. Regret? So what? As what Julian said, there will be a lot of bees coming If I managed to loose weight :)

Yeay! I bet I will look drop dead gorgeous one day too! Hehehe :P

Jia you ba Siew Leng! You're not alone! So much love from everyone and happy dating with darling tonight! :D



Till then.


It's a fri-yeay! 

05092013 ; All that about myself

I have been blogging regularly this week because It feels like I have things to be shared almost every single day. I have no one to talk to, hence, I ended up recording here.

Yeapp, It's going to be another missing-him-post I guess. Like what I have always been saying, I have been dreaming about him/us/them lately. To be specific, I hasn't been dreaming any more this week but I'm waking up earlier (probably around 6am) and my brain keep thinking on shits.

I remember telling Julian that I have stopped having dreams yesterday and on the night itself, I dream about us again.. US. I was so happy in the dream that we both are actually back together, happily setting dates to go for a date and blah blahhh... I remember him saying that, "Okay la.. we go on a date on thursday alright!" and it was on a tuesday in my dream.

I also remembered waking up in the middle of the dream and I continued sleeping after.. surprisingly,
I continue having dreams of US. This time, the whole set up and story line is different...

I remember it happened in Mawar, when I actually have to meet the gang. I reached earlier and I was happily hopping into the house and saw him laying on his bed, blind folded and watching television in his room. I sat next to him, he unfold his eyes and asked me why am I there... He thought I was going to beg him to be with me again. He told me that "we're over" again.

Then I quickly wrap my arms around his face and I told him that I have been dreaming us and all... Telling how I feel and such.. He then, start kissing me and stops me from talking... I was actually crying and I guess he was touched too... then... I'm awake.

I still can remember his room set up clearly. He's laying facing the window and watching the big TV they used to play football game with...

I have no idea what's wrong with me. I have been trying to stop thinking (Or maybe I wasn't?), but it seems thing got worse. Xy said probably I miss him too much.. It's more than 20 days since we last chat..
Even the last time when we chat, it wasn't even sincere. It seems he was forced because I asked for a gift from him...


I really don't know what's wrong. I'm feeling all numb but I cried sometimes. Hmmm...


Also, I don't know why it seems I'm trying damn hard in search for another one. I'm not sure if I really likes them or it was just I'm too desperate? Siew Leng, think properly, feel properly. Don't make other's life miserable even when yours is miserable.

You'll surely have one who loves you to the bit in the future.
(I hope I will)

Too many things happening lately, and I'm getting more and more frustrated towards twisted mankind. You once said someone shouldn't do "this this this", but you ended up be the one who does it.

Boo you freak, you don't keep your promise!



Till then.

Ehh, I miss you and I just checked your facebook.

When ever I'm bored, I'll be down like this. Missing him and thinking on shit stuffs.
Goodness, gym tonight stop thinking, bye! Think of sexy body!

04092013 ; All that about myself

Yesterday was sort of a night mare to me. I actually knell down and beg the "Sky God" to help me a little. I was feeling helpless and eager to break out from this whole situation. It's been quite sometime of me lighting up the sticks and make a wish for myself whenever I feel like doing so everyday before we had our dinner.

I have been doing this for the past few years.. Even when I was 12 years old, I wished for a good result in UPSR and I'm blessed that my results turned out to be pretty good. I'm glad that the god hear my wishes and some of them actually came true! Second Class Upper and such... Thank youuuu! :) 

Therefore, besides than me just lighting up the sticks, It had eventually became my short chit-chat place with the god after. So, ever since it happened, I just can't wait for the night to come everyday so that I could update the god about my current happenings.. What's up and etc. 

(Although I guess they already know what's happening up there, LOL)

So yeahh, yesterday when I was just doing the usual thing.. I got depressed and I cried with my knees down. I asked for instant help, feeling all weak again. I'm not putting the blame to the god for not making my wish to-be-with-him-again come true because I do believe in faith. ..

What belongs to me, will certainly come to me and whichever doesn't, will be away from me regardless how much memories we have. I actually dream of him again yesterday but I can't remember what was it about...

I miss him. I really really do.

I feel like looking at his facebook almost everyday but I stopped myself from doing it so that I won't go any worsen. *I hope everything is beyond control!

It's been a month since I last had a big cry and I really really REALLY do feel like crying out loud on someone's shoulder again. Hmmm, I know I shouldn't counting down on these details, but I don't know why am I so sensitive with words, and digits nowadays. 

Sometimes I'm totally chill and sometimes I'm not. It is heartfelt and I WILL NEVER have enough questions for him. I will feel like asking asking and keep asking on silly questions I used to ask him. 

But yeahh, mehhhh much!

Dear god, if you ever hear me again. I'm thankful for which you have given me. My family and friends who will never leave me alone no matter what happens. I could never walk this far without them supporting me in all ways. As of now, I just wish that I could live happily ever after... 

I know I have been wishing and plain just wishing for it but never seems to work on it. 

I promise I will not give up on my life, to move forward while waiting for the right one to came into my life. 

I'll be wise and do whichever I'm supposed to do. 

But for now, just let me be silly bit, I wish he could listen to my soar and know how am I doing. I don't know If I'm still dying to be his gf or friend, but I'm hoping for the best for myself. I hope I'm not asking for too much. Thanks a bunch! 

Meanwhile, Let's get started with freelancing and kicking the gym tonight! 

Till then. 

03092013 ; All that about myself

Countdown to 4th month : 8 days.

I have no idea what's wrong with my calculation yesterday.. How could it be 7 days away when it's only the 2nd September? What's wrong with youuuuu? -_-

Anyhow, I do realised the changed in me. I no longer be that "chillax" in facing my stuffs. I can't help it to check on your current status and happenings. #stalkermoodon

But I'll go a little upset or mixed feeling if I found out a tiny bit thing related to her -_-

Anyway, besides than going almost-nuts, I just get to know from Chris that they hate me posting stuffs on my face book. I wish I could explain, but I know the more I explain, the worse it will be. It's my thing to keep on explaining until others totally understands me because I don't like people to have doubts or wrong thoughts about me. My goodness >.< Is it bad to be straight forward?

I'm losing my direction to even express myself. Yes, I admit that some of my post's intention is to keep him updated about my happening and everything whether I'm injured or whatever. (I know he may not give a damn, but I just do it laaa. I always do such thing what >.<)

Now it feels like, I can't even express myself through my own page. Damn.
Not to say I like to pleased others, but, at the same time, I don't like to create misunderstanding. You get what I mean? Or was it me who think too much again? Yeaaa, after I talked to Chris, I didn't really bother much because It's over and I can't do anything. But just, it kept bothering myself wondering if I'm annoying and such. Blah blahh. Twisted like hell.

What should I do huh?

It seems I'm not doing well in everything. Feeling so demotivated :/


Hmmm, just talked to darling and found out that, no one is loyal to anyone. I myself have witnessed it on my own. The feeling is horrible. Especially when the heart that used to belongs to you, doesn't belongs to you any more. I'm loosing my patience and trust on others. Whatever forever, it is all bullshit to me now.

Darlinggg, I know you can't read this but I know who is it even when you refused to tell me who is it.
I do feel bad for you. I wish I could talk to you about this, but I know you doesn't wanna talk about it. I hope you're doing fine al right? Love youuu.

I don't know what should I do.. It seems that I'm not working hard enough for it. I need help but I can't help myself feeling annoying :(

God, please, let me go through this. It doesn't really matter any more whether he is coming back or not.
(Well, of course for now I wish he would) but... mehhh. 





Till then.

02092013 ; All that about myself

It's 7 days away until it's officially the 4th month. I feel as If I can handle it at the first few months, but as time goes... I'm feeling more and more depressed. As in, I gets emotional and cry very easily.

Things are going out of hand and I don't know what else should I do. 

Yes, It's been stupidly 4 months and It seems It's getting harder for me to accept. I still wish to know he could notice me, knew that I was injured and all. How stupid can I go...

I remember asking him for a convocation gift, he said he'll consider. But, let's guess if he will get something for me? I... doubt so. 

Besides than that, he also promised me to get me a bouquet of flowers for my convocation too. but now... 

flower? In your dream, Siew Leng! 

Flowers. promises. him. ALL GONE. 

Like what I've mentioned earlier, things are really really getting out of control. 

I've enough of acting strong and cool. I'm weak and fragile.

As much as I wish to let go of him, reminding myself to not think of him, DO NOT stalk him and etc.. 

I do not know why I just, can't do it. I think it was me who made myself super pathetic. 

I actually had a good night last night without waking up earlier to "think". But whenever I was awake, the first thing that came into my mind was.. "Ehh? Why today didn't think one?" 

Then I questioned myself, "Are you sure you want to think?" Don't you want to live happily? 

I even afraid to look at my own instagram history.. Looking at our pictures makes me tear. Anything and everything about us, could rip me into parts. Really, I'm as fragile as a piece of tissue. 

Hmmm, I'm just, weird like that. the longer it is, the crazier I go. I need help, please. 

I'm confused. I do not know what I really want and I often ask myself if I really love him that much? Or It was just because I'm afraid of being alone? How come I will have good thoughts for someone so easily? Or It was just me who is trying to look for a replacement? I really wish to know what's going on in me.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone (I actually have lots of wondering questions towards him again, but, no, I shouldn't ever ask again.). Urghhhhhh, I really do not know!! :( 

Dear SL, do you really really want him back to your life? Are you up for the consequences yet? 

I don't mean you can't wait for him, but what if he doesn't come back? Yes, you have seen many many break up cases in which the couple ended up getting married and stuffs after months, but, it may not happen to everyone. You may just be another one of the unlucky ones. Can you bear with any more pain? 

I think I need a break. 

Till then. 

30082013 ; All that about myself

It's fri-yeay! Christopher told me that today is going to be a good day... and I wonder what is it?

I told him my version of "good day" and it annoys him. *I'm sorry Christopher... 
I know I'm annoying but I hope it will come true~ Although the chance is beyond negative.

Today, I wished for a great day ahead. I gotta stay positive and happy for the rest of my life.
Yea, I've lose you, but nothing else. Everyone else is treating me very well...

Julian treats me like a baby princess sister, Xin Yi treats me like her another half, Darling treats me with her entire heart... Needless to say, my family who loves me to the bit.


What else should I ask for?


I'm grateful.
I hope I will be able go through this pain in a bit.


It's going to be a great day!... I wish.



Till then.

28082013 ; All that about myself

Hey! it's me again! (Durhhh, if not who else coming here.. -_-) 

Anyway, It is about time for me to really really reallyyyyyy have deep deep thoughts on what I'm going to write here or what I really want for myself in the fast future.

It is either, I'll forever stuck in this kind of situation or I'll have to move on. Well, I guess I'm taking option two.. which is to have a better living.


I'm clear at mind that I will definitely say "Hell No!" to pathetic life but, you know, there are times where...

You just feel like being stupid for once and for all (although I have been such stupid and joker for quite sometime) to make my life or day happier. But sometimes, I will regret after I do so or, I will feel utmost speechless or emotionless witnessing the truth or what he do to me with my own eyes.

It ain't fun. 


As much as I hope to move on (I always wish I could), I'm still worried and scared to see them in front of me again. I know I did nothing wrong and I shouldn't be avoiding. But, I'm not sure if they will try to avoid me too? Will they even feel shy? Or shame to see or meet me? Or was it only me who think this much again?


Just yesterday (Tuesday), when I was there to pick up Angeline and Shy Hui for high tea, As I parked my car by the roadside at Mawar... Or even when I was about to make my turn into Mawar.. I feel extremely nervous.

I'm scared, worried and etc.

And questions such as, Will I bump into them? Is the car there? Is she there? Where is him? Is he still there or he's back to malacca?

Ahhhhhh, Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

All sorts of funny question have been playing in my mind.. and my heart was beating fast.
It was a relieved when I don't see the car or them when I was there.


I wonder what's wrong with myself... It feels like It was me who did something bad to him. But in fact,
I did not. I can't keep myself calm and I just don't feel like going back to Mawar any more...
That place, is full with our memories through good or bad times. From day 1 when you moved in, until the day where I walked out and you chased me all the way to belakang when we last argued... It's too much for me to take.

They even did talked about him a little during our high tea session and it triggers my emotion a little. To me,
he is always the one I wanted and all of a sudden, I got eliminated from his game.

Hmmmm, It is unacceptable but I don't have a choice with me.


I'm feeling blessed and happy that after months dreaming about him/them/us.. I finally had a good night sleep without having any dreams at night! Weeeeeeee! Like, I finally get to sleep until the next morning :)

But in return, it feels like my mind are not over it yet. It's like, since there's no dream.. It sort of waking me up earlier almost every morning making me thinking on stuffs. My brain starting to "talk" on stuffs like, what he thinks, what's gonna happen and all... It's like a second brain of mine telling me that "things are not done nor settled" and I just gotta keep whining on the same thing almost everyday... :(


------------ Feeling dizzy and sick the whole day due to menstrual pain. Shall continue tmr when I'm feeling a little better. P/s: Why am I so forgetful and weak there after? :( -------------


29th August 2013

Just as I stopped half way sharing about what I'm experiencing every morning yesterday...
this morning, same thing happened. But I couldn't remember clearly what was it about.. All I know was, he's in my dream again. It is either he's stubborn or such...
I hope by now he should be learning to be a better man?

Well, guess that's none of my business any more..

I actually feel like expressing a lot whenever I'm not with my laptop.. But whenever, I'm here.. my brain goes blank -_- Urghhh! 

You know, If I was given a chance to talk to him again or if there's a time reversing machine...
I definitely have so much to add on, so much to tell him. Tell him that we could fix this together...
No matter how hard it is, we'll definitely be able to go through this together because I do believe that..
It is just the matter of time. But, mehhh.. fullstop.


As always, No matter what has happened, I just can't help myself from loving you. Things has gone this way, we do realised what's going on. But still, I'm always the silly girl. Wanting to be cuddled and loved by you once more.

But I guess, I can only keep this to myself. I always see you on line recently and I so wanted to just talk to you. I know I shouldn't. We both need to get a life and I didn't have the courage to do so. I've been trying to hurt myself by imagining how you both will be so that I could let go of you. It looks like you're alone now in Mawar, but that's how it used to be even when we're together.. You're just, happy on the inside.

I'm not saying that we're bad together, but we're not given a chance to try out.
I love you,baby. I hate to call you my "ex".


I tear very often recently, A song or even just an object could make me cry. I'm too emotional.
Just yesterday.. when I was so weak. I wish for someone to be there for me. I can't help myself from imagine if you're there for me. What you will be telling me, how you will sayang and tam me... But again, yeahh, I know it's not gonna happen any more.

It's just, If there's anything happening or if any date came across my mind.. I will think of the things or place we go. Or even when I visit to those places that we used to go together or we said we'll be going together, It made me tear.. Even now when I'm typing this...

How could I fall so deeply. I really don't know why.

People often tell me that, "suan liao la", "what's so good about mantai?", "useless man.." and etc.
I heard and understood what they say, but to me, love, is incomparable and unexplainable.

Well, I should stop saying. Otherwise I'm gonna cry.

Yesterday night, when the whole family was watching tv... there's a scene where the woman loses her best memory with the guy and all she remembers was back then when she still hates him like anything. Then, I wished for myself that, I could have lost my memories with him and I can live happily ever after.

It's not necessary for me to have bad feeling to him like how the woman has, but just.. I just hope to live happily. At this point, I really wish I could forget everything. At least, for now, it will be less suffering to me..
But what if later on I fall for you again? Hahaha!

Besides than loosing my memory, I have also thought of many more other dramatic scenes. For which, what if I'm involved in an accident and such.. Will you come to me?

I know that even if you come back, it's because you pity me. Not because you're sincere to me.
Or, was it a trick from you? Like what you did to me on my 20th birthday? A surprise maybe?

Well, I should stop being all vain. It's hell no surprise. IT'S FUCKING REAL THAT HE LEAVES ME!
Accept it,Siew Leng.

Hmmm, I wonder if he will ever remember this blog's url? What if he sees this?
What's going to be on his mind huh? Hmmmm..

I told xy that, I'm in pain inside out. Physically and mentally. I'm too exhausted.
I also told her that, it seems.. I couldn't live any longer as I'm getting weak each day. It feels like my organs is functioning very slowly and It's unbearable. I feel like dying.

But Noooooooo Lahhhh, I'm not going to do silly things.

I think, that's all for today before my emotion goes up again.



Till then.

26082013 ; All that about myself

It's 26th of the month again... It used to be the most memorable day in OUR life. Used to be...

I wonder if he will ever remember this date?

It's been another 6 days since I last updated.. How time flies? I still remembered the last time when I uploaded a picture of us in Instagram and you commented that "Time flies like rocket". It's been 2 freaking year of me intruding into your life and my life.

But in a blink of eyes, you eliminated me from your life... and accepting a new one.
I could still remember what happened right in front of my eyes exactly one month after we broke up.I struggled like hell. I can still feel the pain at my heart... even until now.

I don't know if you ever put that in mind that I'm trying to get you back or what. But it just...
It hurts so bad when I gotta face the truth right in front of me. I can't even accept it until now.

Why on earth do I have to face this. Everyone deserve a second chance, but why wouldn't I?

I've always said that I know there will be someone else out there who will love me and dear me in the future. But at the same time, I just couldn't let go of all those memories yet. Memories.

I feel like forgetting everything like how drama does it. Lost of memory and such.
Or blah blahhh. To gain your mercy and stuffs. But another question is up... Worth it or not?

Like now, who's the one in pain and why am I still so stubborn.
I always said that I will find someone else.. But my mind and soul is stuck with the memories.
How to look forward my dear?

I don't know how long more will I ask question like this.. Probably gotta wait until the feeling is gone or what. The feeling feels a little shaky, but still... I'm still in love with him after so long and he's in love with someone else all these while.

Can the situation go any worsen?

So many things happened in the past 6 days... There were too much of up and down. Emotional break out once awhile. But luckily I still have many people around me to comfort me... Xy has always been the one who guide me through. Thank you my love!

We definitely had long chats and she'll never fail to cheer me up. I feel much much better every time after I talked to her...  Or even, when I feel like expressing to him, she is my another alternative to leave my comment to. Well, some of you will wonder how does it work but to be able to express and yet not being ignored by him...It's more than enough regardless if he know what am I trying to tell. She know almost everything about me now.

She is the one who will be reading all my silly silly message to him, tears and sorrow.

I feel bad that I always used to have bad impression on her. But after all these,
I know who's best for me. I'll try to change to have better understanding and tolerance.

The other day when I was in the mood to greet him, I sent him a fb message saying,
"Heyy, how are you doing? :)" but he didn't reply even if he has seen it. ..

I told darling about this and she scolded me "sohai". She is worried If this would result me being all silly.

This pain, is beyond bearable.
I hope I can get rid of this/him asap. I know I can live happily ever after even without him.
Please give me a strong heart.Life's good. Everyone is treating me like how it used to be. Feeling loved.

As I feel a little upset about today, I told Pretty and she showed me some florist catalogue... She said it is for my convocation flower :)

Everyone loves me and I don't see the reason why I should still continue crying over someone who doesn't even care any  more. I hope I could get over this as soon as possible or probably you will come back in the future? Will it be?

Nonetheless, 26th... shouldn't be any memorable day to me.
Today is such a teary day... It feels like I can cry at any time. No joke.


Man tai, 
I love you, as always. Bye. 



Till then.

20082013 ; All that about myself

It's been 5 days / almost a week since I last updated about my wish to have the "full stop" in my life.
I should stop acting like crap and living miserably... Simply because..

I'm young and I'm sure I will find someone who dear me A LOT in the future!
YES, I'm positive like that! ;) 

Anyhow, as much as I wish I could let go... Damn dream "marathon" is back! It happened probably in alternative nights. I told xy that, before I've decided to let go, It seems the "marathon" is over... but once I've promised myself that I'm letting go... The "marathon" is back -_-

Why? 


She said I'm still unable to let go even when he have already left for months.
My heart stunned awhile.


The other day, I was under depression because I'm undecided if I should get him a graduation gift.
It has been bothering me for a couple of days and I burst out of tears last Sunday (19th August 2013).
I know that I shouldn't be stubborn and xy comforted me.

I even, send her a message and pretended it is him telling him that I'm still loving him regardless what he have done to me. I'm still that silly girl and how much I wish to have him back and etc.

I sounded silly once more and I have just made my night more miserable... I cried. 


It's been 3 months and It seems I haven't get over it. Why?
Too many things has been bothering me... memories and stuffs. But, I gotta move on.
Moving into a brand new chapter... and probably... moving to another new living space too.


Mum and siblings have sort of decided in buying and shifting into a new house in Serdang. It is not confirmed yet, but the chances are quite high... and I wonder if it's good for me? Since I'm one of those who doesn't like changes and all. Urghhh! Knowing that It will be hard for me, but a change in environment may be good to me as well eh?


Well, let's just hope for the best! 


Anyhow, today, I'm here to record what has been in my mind again...
Let me further elaborate more on the dream "marathon" that has been bothering me since day 1 after we broke up.


So, just this morning / last night, I dreamt of them again. This time... It is about him being funny and stubborn. We were at somewhere in the college with the gang and he showed up with his red and white basketball jersey barefoot... He walked towards us with his gf next to him and didn't even bother to look at me at first...
(well, I don't know why I can remember his outfit so clearly)

He asked us about the relationship status in the registration for college. As in, there's a column where you will have to fill in your couple's name. So, that explained why he is here with his gf and wanting to change her name in the Gf column (I suppose it is my name previously) and gave us a blank look...

Meanwhile, when he is asking us.. I could see his gf playing with his hand and stuffs.
It was so annoying. I got upset and I think If this dream was real, I'm going to say...
"Can you please leave him alone? He's talking" -_-

Bodoh. SUPER BODOH OF ME! 

Leonard who was also in my dream, tell him that It is not necessary for him to do.. No one will ever bother about your gf's name. Then I voiced up to him... Pushed him leaning against a car nearby.
Telling him what he is doing, how he has been treating me and blah blahhh.. I scolded him loudly in front of everyone. I shouted and cried! Then, I'm awake from the dream... and I can't remember how was my reaction.


Again, I woke up feeling miserable and feeling-less.
I DON'T KNOW LAHHH. 


Let's see how things goes. I shall be strong! Stronger than ever to live my life happier.



Till then.

15082013 ; All that about myself

Heee-ya! 

It's time to update my blog again! :)
Don't you think I'm a little cheerful today? Hmmm, Improvement.. improvements! Still way to go!

Anyway, Yeapp.. I'm definitely letting go stuffs but still, my heart feels "tong tong" whenever I see something. Well, xy said it is normal.. So yeahh! It's normal, normal :) Am glad!

It's not that I'd stop loving him, NO! But I'm learning to love myself more first as I always believe that,
I'll definitely find someone who loves me more than himself. Someone who I truly belongs.

I know god is doing their job, so yes! We shall see by then!


Anyway, what do I mean by "tong tong" is... I had a dream last night/ this morning.
It's "THAT KIND" of dream again. It's our wedding day! I suspect the scenes were at the car porch in my house where I believe (in the dream) he got cheated for a small bouquet of flower as our wedding flower...
As he held the flowers to me, it was even smaller than my fist. Just ONE freaking pathetic flower in the middle with some other decorations :(

My facial expression was :( when I see those flower... and my cousins and friends were like.. "You got cheated.. blah blahhh..." So he quickly hand over some cash to our friend and asked her to get 3 bouquet of flowers for me. I forgotten whether it is 3 times more flower or 3 bouquet.. But it is something like this laaaaa :P

Then I smiled and we hehehe a little. As usual, I feel happy for his immediate love and action. He lay his head on my arm and I gave him a kiss on his cheek and I told him that, "It's been so long since I kiss you like this.." and he replied, "Ya lo, you also know hor". Then we continue our hehe and I'm awake from my dream... Once more...

I don't know why... it feels so real in the dream. I thought I really is getting married to him and it seems, that happens AFTER our current situation. It is like a rehab.. We both got back to one another's side after sometimes... That explained why we'd say such thing when I kiss his cheek.

I feel a little... upset or should I say, empty? I don't know how should I respond. It was just a sudden awesome feeling. Just that moment in my dream.

Out of my surprise... He finally have his hair back! No more bald! So good looking! ^_^ 
I can still remember how he looked at me in the dream... It is just like how he used to see me.
So much love and warmth at heart.


I do understand and aware of our situation  now. I will just, let the god to decide... whether what's good for us. Of course, I won't be waiting for you all the time, but at the same time.. I will not discriminate the possibility of us getting back together.


Well, who knows right?


But as I told xy, I'm pretty sure that I will find someone who loves me. I can foresee my future with someone but just, he is not here yet :) *Law of attraction!!!!!*

When Siew Leng gone all positive, it's all going to be really positive.


Anyway, I asked for a graduation gift from him and he said he will think about that. Hahaha!
Hopefully he really will get me something :) As a friend or something. I wouldn't mind any more.


Well, I'm feeling great. Wishing for the best for myself again!




Till then.

13082013 ; All that about myself

Title has changed, everything has came to an end. 

I finally have stopped dreaming... waking up from my "dream" isn't easy at all. It needs a lot of courage and will power to do so. (I wish that I really finally FINALLY awake from my nightmare)

Until this moment, I'm not sure I'm able to let go this. But, what choice have I gotten?
Love, no more and I only feel that I'm superbly annoying to him. Nagging and "lecturing" him...
Probably that's why he's sick of me? :(

Anyway,
I talked to him about things I heard from our friend... It is about his characteristics.
I hope I told him everything that I wanted to tell and hopefully he will digest them.
Maybe? Or maybe not?I really do not know... 

This morning... as I woke up... I could feel the "coldness" and it was so so numb.
I don't know what caused it but I think it is because, I'm still mentally unfit for this. As much as I tried my best to let go everything single fucking thing, the more numb I go. What's more when it is Chinese Valentine's Day today...

He actually wished "everyone" (I suppose), but I think.. He is wishing "her" indirectly.
Frankly speaking, he seldom or I can say he never wish me for this kind of valentine's day. Probably, he just never thought of doing so when he's with me. I didn't mean to bash him up, but as far as I remember.. he really didn't do such thing before :(

Why am I so pathetic?

Talked to xy about all this again and she reminded me what kind of person he is. Again, they told me that he is not a good man. Probably probably they are right... He's just not good enough for me... 


Am trying hard to work things out, hopefully I could pull it off perfectly once more. Physically as well as mentally... I wish good things will come to me. Hoping to get someone which will be good for me.
*With fingers crossed* 


Alright, I think that's it for now. I shall think positively.
Shall shine my inner beauty more and hopefully he will be able to see it for himself later on? :D
LOL siewleng...



Till then.

11082013 ; All that about ♥

It is 1:20 A.M. on 11th August 2013...

It may be just-another-day to others...
but, it is the most heart felt day to me because this is the day where our love story has ended.

Dated : 26/01/2011 - 11/05/2013.

It's been 3 months... and hereby, I would like to make a disclaimer that, I'm giving up in everything.
Friends... love.. or anything which is related to him. I've been struggling too long over the same thing/person.

I believe in love at first sight, first love and such.. but I'm the only one who could feel this pain now.
No matter what I do, how I feel or anything... he just doesn't give a damn any more.

Love has ended and that's it.

It's been so long but I can't help myself being stubborn!
I have been thinking and struggling too much on things which I think it is essential for me to know or find out but in fact, even if I know the truth.. It makes no different to me and us.

I've always been blamed for thinking negatively and stubborn for "rights" and guess..
I should just.. let things go.. "things" that doesn't belongs to me... any more...


If I'm given a chance to talk to him again, I will have TONNES of questions for him.
All the what why where when how and such... I will NEVER have enough questions. It will never end as I've always thought that... why can't we work things out earlier? Why don't you give me a chance and blah blah?

I think.. I'm just born this way, stubborn in all ways. Sighh. 


As I'm writing this, I could feel all the pain at heart. It is too hard to let go.. but, what can I do?
I still can't help looking at your profile, checking all your latest updates... but why am I making myself so pathetic?

I've been expressing myself to you, telling you how much I love you.. and even, wish your father happy birthday. But, All I got was... your ignorance.

Maybe to you, I don't even deserve a thing. But it's okay...
You've just taught me what life is and I've learnt my lesson. I hope I'd never be funny and stupid again.
Life goes on.

Again, It is always easy to say, but hard to be done.
I have been saying this sooo many times and I wouldn't say that I failed big times.. but just,
maybe.. maybe.. I just failed a little. I think, I can do this. at least...this time!

Anyhow, there are soooooo many things that I wanna say in this post! But as I started to write...
My mind is all empty... That explained why am I crapping and talking about the sameeeeeeeee old thing again and again like an old woman -_-


This post is supposed to be the "ending" point of all my pathetic story (I hope It works!) from the beginning until the end and I hope I will never ever redo it again!

Yeaaa, our love story started in a dramatic way.. He, asked me to be his girlfriend through a video in youtube with my favourite song " Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars".

I can still remember that... he said, " I like you sll " and then followed by, "Can you be my girlfriend?"...
His confession and everything, was done via MSN and youtube and I think I still have that copy of his promises to me that he will treat me very very good at the beginning.

Yea, very dramatic and fairytale much? Ya, I loved it very much.
It was simple and direct but, guess that's what wins my heart.


His sincerity and all, it is beyond comparable. He's not the smartest or hottest guy among our friends.. but just, he is my man. The one I love.

I also remember that, on our 2nd valentine's day.. He.. bought me a F.Timber purse.
It is ugly but the story behind is truly beautiful.

He doesn't have much money, so, that purse... Is all that he could afford to me.
I cried, and I melted once more. He promised me to buy me another better one in the future...

But, we don't have the chance any more.


There are lots of thing that he have done for me. I love it and you.
Again, I'm sorry that our love turned this way. So so ugly.

I hated you for not letting me try, leaving me when I needed you the most.
But still, you was once my man. I'd never forget the things that we've been through...

Recently I also told him that,
I still loves him as much as how I used to but I just can't show and don't know how to show.
I'm sorry that... we can't accomplished things that we wanted to do it together earlier.


I'm so sorry, my dear. I'm sorry for hurting you, I don't mean it.
I thought we would try. But as for now, never mind...


I finally finally get to express myself out the other day by talking on the phone with Julius.
Our conversation was about 3 hrs and I feel slightly relieved.

I cried my lungs out. Eyes are all swollen and I can barely sleep at night because it hurt so bad.
That night was the most painful night I ever had but at least, I get to express myself once more and that is the night where I feel, I really should be letting go and live my life happier.

I should be out there searching for my happiness and not trapped with my past.
There are A LOT more that I should be writing, but yahh... I just.. suddenly forgotten about it again.

My siblings knew I was crying and they are all worried about me. I'm sorry and thankful to those who have been staying by my side whenever I needed them. Their hug, shoulders, ears and words of wisdom... is all I need and I just, couldn't ask for more.


Their love is one of a kind. Thank you!


So yeahh, I have done whatever I can do.. I tried, failed but at least.. no regrets.
I love you but I just had to let you go. I hope you're happy and so am I.

Yea, I'm in this love/hate situation to you and that fellow. Last but not least,
fuck you bitch for the last time! ( I don't care and I just wanna say it!!!!)

But still, as far as I'm letting go.. I'm wishing for the best for myself. Hoping to let go and will be able to change for a better self. My anger and such... I hope I can pull this off, Perfectly.

No matter what, I will still be there for you whenever you needed me. As a friend or whatever.
I think this is the only thing that I could offer you and myself now even if you don't ever needed it...
Silly right?

I'm finally willing to let go slowly after so long and I'd hope it works!
There are too many things that I need to say, but I can't remember.. again! -_-

Anyway,
Let's just hope for the best for myself.


Love, is all about communication and compromising. No one is perfect.
The end.


Will add on if I have anything else in mind! :P




Till then.

06082013 ; All that about ♥

Another gloomy day / tuesday of mine.

Nothing has changed, It is just another boring day to me...
I'm currently in dad's office, thought of helping.. but in fact, I'm here to just.. Sit?

I have done NOTHING in this 3 working days.

I'm actually supposed to go for more interviews, or browse for more potential companies or even do alteration for the NPYDA competition which I planned to participate earlier. I'm just, too dull too bored and too lazy to do so!


Well, I have just been through another silly silly morning today!
What I mean is.. As I woke up, I feel like giving myself one last shot. I feel like asking him again if he can come back to me. Just one simple sentence,

"Can you come back to me?" 


I wanted to ask him this so so much but I have no guts. I asked my friend if I should ask him, but I hasn't gotten any reply yet. I'm not sure what my friend will say to me but, I'm pretty sure what he will be replying...

"Can you don't be like this? we're over..." Or anything.


I'm so scared of his words, but just can't help it but being stupid.
I know the chance is beyond negative, but I'm just plain stubborn to hurt myself once more.
No matter what his answer will be, it will definitely hurt me more. But another side of mine kept telling me that, If I don't try, I will never know if there's miracle and who knows he may consider?
WHY ON EARTH THERE'S SUCH WOMAN?

I told him that I won't be that "bitch" to snatch someone's boyfriend, but what am I doing now?
Btw, WTF much. He was mine and you "snatched" him from me. Fuck you bitch -___-

Sorry, can't help it. Pardon me!
I'm becoming more and more violence. I gotta control.. control myself.. control my emotions...


Guess I'm just toooooo free now that I have way too much of time thinking on non sense.
I should have do other things and make full use of my time :(

At first, I wanted to ask him, but ended up I didn't. But after awhile.. I made up my mind to confront him... Telling him what I feel, asking him if he can come back to me.. He haven't even read the message after hours. I panicked. Wondering what he will be replying or even if he has read it...

I panicked every time when I heard the fb chat sound >.<

OhMyGosh!! 


Anyway, my brain is all jumbled up. Really luan 7 8 zhao. I don't know why am I doing so...
What do I wanna get from that, but I just did :(


Hmmm, I don't know what else should I say. Just, again... all the best to myself.
Learn from the past, maybe?

Jia you ba  ♥



Till then.

05082013 ; All that about ♥

Monday blueeeee, they said.

But to me, every day is so-so to me.
I feel pretty, empty again. I don't know what I want to do, what's next and such.
I bet this post is going to be damn long tooo.


I feel like expressing again...  It is just few more days until it is officially 3 months since that day.
Bet it's just going to be another hard day for me. Maybe? Hmmm, we'll find out soon.

I'm trying very hard to fight against my mindset. I told xy that I tend to hold my tears and I feel so bad. It feels as if It is "unfinished" and I can't move forward. I'm trapped, feeling all numb alone.

Tried to live happily everyday because there's no turning back to yesterday...
I know whatever I've lost... It will be gone, forever.


I recall all the words, promises that he used to tell me. We have thought of a lot of things together.
Marriage, wedding car, our dream and all... We both knew.

From our very own graduation trip to Malacca (his hometown) after my presentation to our Bkk trip, to buying iphone 5 at the end of the year.. buying me rings... flowers for convo.. etc etc.

There are just so many things that we've thought,TOGETHER... But nothing has come true.
It feels much much painful as days passed.

Xy is right, we can't take all the promises so seriously. It is just through mouth and there isn't any black or white. I don't mean we're not allowed to promise or what... but, do it as you say.
If you never thought of doing so, then don't mention.

We gotta work to chase our dream, but if you're only dreaming without having the thought of chasing it, why would you? I mean, as for me... I mentioned about stuffs I want to do with you, I never thought of giving up.
I really want to achieve it with you. Be the one for you... we said this will be your final relationship.
I will be your 3rd and last and you will be my first and last :)



But... what now?



I'm all dull, heart died and at the same time, worried that I won't be able to find someone else again.
I told xy that, "I'm afraid to gu du dao lao". Although I know I'm still young, I shouldn't be thinking in such way. She also said that, I've always wanting to look backwards.. Talking about stuffs from the past.

"last time, last time... Him him him"


How can I let go like this?


In fact, I didn't even thought of letting go. Even now, I'm still hoping for miracle to happen.
I don't know why I'm so grey.

Xy also told me that, I can always let them know whenever I need someone or whenever I want to express myself. Because nowadays.. when I'm feeling sad and wanting to cry.. I tend to hold my tears and emotions. I stopped myself from crying, but I keep them to myself.

I tried talking to Pretty yesterday morning... I told her about my sudden urge to find him and ask him to come back although I know he wouldn't want it any more.  As predicted, her words are full with torn. Telling me that it is normal, but I just need to stay strong and firm.. try to fight against my flashback.

I know they are all good for me, wanting me to let go.

I wish I could. Just give me more time.


At this point of view, I'm desperately wanting to let go all my memories despite it is good or bad.
Please, leave me alone. I don't want them any more... This pain is unbearable.


I wonder... what if, 2 years back.. I really gave up and you didn't thought of coming to me.
All this wouldn't happen and we could be friends. But, urghhh...

What if... I realised our problem earlier and we could fix this.
What if what if what if WHAT IF! Damn!

I don't know. I never regret loving you! But Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! So damn twisted!
I'm talking about the same thing everyday...


Everyone is bored and sick of me talking about the same thing, and they are bored of  telling me the same shits too. But, I just can't help it. If I was given a chance, I would definitely take the risk to get back your heart. Yes, It sounded utmost blardy stupid...

but b, wo zhen de hen ai ni :(


Look which stupid woman is talking again? Sighhh.. Everyday, I talked to god and wished for the best for myself. Please, just let me go through this. I'm sick, tired and bored.
I need to get a life too.

Someone told me that... I'm used to be one happy girl. It is not worth to be sad for a man who doesn't dear me. Some even say, He don't even seems to regret what he have done, so why are you still thinking on impossible stuffs?

I can even relate anything and everything with him and that makes me even more pathetic.
Yes, I missed him A LOT. Thinking all day and night if he EVER think about us again or he is happily living his life now? Have they argued before? Will he think of me?


My goodness. Why am I so stupid? :(




Till then.

03082013 ; All that about ♥

Just another day where I feel like posting a post on my recent everything...

I have just posted a post yesterday and here's another one. Because I do feel that, I really have too many things stuck in me and I don't know who / how should I express it out. There are too many things that I feel like SHOUTINGGGGGGGG OUT but, I know I can't. 

They are meant to be kept within myself and this is what makes me feel so so bad :( 

I used to be the one expressing myself all the way, but knowing "that" certain thing that I can only keep to myself.. It hurts so so bad. 

I used to have him with me in all this, but now? zzz... 

Yeaaaaa, I'm feeling all down down down downnnn again. 

I cried almost everyday and I just don't understand why am I becoming more and more "insane" day by day.Or, it feels like.. It is getting more and more unbearable. 

I don't know who can I talk to or who will entertain me. 

I talked to Vs, xy and hx but it was just the same, they could only heal my pain temporary. 

Telling me not worth it and stuffs.

As of now, I wish.. I could lost all those memories in my brain so that I can feel less pain. 

I started to think weird stuffs, and perhaps, it has gone a little too narrow. 

I have also thought of doing stupid stuffs to gain his mercy. But, another side of mine told me that... 

"No, It ain't gonna work". I know he doesn't give a damn about my life any more. 

I know I will not hurt myself or do anything stupid because I know how precious my life is. 

I wouldn't act like those who gave up on their life for someone who doesn't dear them. 

No, NO I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. 

Probably just... I needed more time. 

I thought I was all good and everything is in control. I stopped missing him and even so, It is all under my control. But I just don't understand why... why these days I have gone this nuts again?

It's been days since I dream of him at night. But, as I wake up.. the first image that I see is all about him. It is like.. As I open my eyes, the first question that came into my mind is..

 "What is he doing? Why he doesn't love me and blah blahh". .. 

Why is all this so hard?

I tried to control myself. Telling myself not to think of him/us any more. 

I punched the wall but it doesn't hurt as much as my heart does. I feel like having a pillow talk with my siblings... but I just don't get a nice chance or time to do so. Maybe... maybe tonight?

I know I shouldn't have do all this. There are alot more things that I shouldn't be doing but.. 

I JUST CAN'T GET IT DONE YET! 

Oh my, my mood swing again. I hate being alone and I hate everything about you. 

How could I fall so deeply to you and you can fall for someone else so easily after?

It's been almost 3 months and look what's happening to me. I don't have a life.

I'm doomed. I'm stuck with all the old memories. I wish to find a way out for myself...

but I'm just too stubborn! 

I tear a little when I heard some songs. The song you used to sing to me... Forever Love eh? 

Stupid. So so stupid. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! 

It's just another day where, I'm officially missing you.
I wanted to post the song on Facebook, but I know I can't be acting pathetically any more.
So, nope. It hurts but so what?

The other day, I told someone that "I'm a strong woman" but he said,
"No matter how strong a woman is, she will have a weak point too".

Yes, I have been acting as if I'm strong and even thought myself is strong. But in fact, I'm one toufu.

I'm just, too stupid too speechless.

Till then. 

02082013 ; All that about ♥

It's been another week since I last blogged again and yeaaa, I mentioned about a crush? in the previous post? NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, It is confirmed that... 

It is just another crush. 

Now I feel NOTHING for him, and bet he's happy with his life too. No one has ever bother about my life, 

What am I to them? -__- Blardy hell. 

Anyway, 

Back to the topic... These few days has been the craziest days ever in my life. Everything turned upside down once more. The strong feeling of having him again is back and I have just.. sent him a message via fb telling him that I still loves him and such. 

I mean, Yeaaa, I do feel a little better after expressing myself. But, how would he feel? 

Again, I'm feeling allllllllll pathetic now. Crying and emotionally unstable.. I tend to cry every second or gets angry whenever I see any of their friend tagged THEM regarding any post. 

I.JUST.HATED.IT.SO.SO.MUCH! Wtf bitch or dude. Really.. WTF!

He actually reads it and replied " ok.thank you". 

I was overwhelmed, because as far as I know.. I only wish that he know what am I still thinking about. 

Yes, until now.. I really do loves him alot. I cried this morning and texted all my darlings... 

I told them that I can stand no more and I feel like going to confront him once more, 

telling him how much I love him and such... and probably, beg him back?

But as predicted, All the feedback are NEGATIVE. 

They said it is not worth (I know), but I just can't get rid of him from my mind :( 

I do still feel that, if.. what IF on 10/5 that day... If I texted and let him know earlier.. 

Probably PROBABLY he wouldn't have done such decisions? Maybe? blah blah blahhhhhhhh... 

BUT, it is all too late again :'( 

WHYYYYYYYY? 

Up till now, I still wish I could have him back.. I thought I'm all good after so long but no, 

I lied. It will be officially 3 months since we broke up on the 11th this month and I can tell that... 

It WON'T be good to me. Whatever it is, on every 26th and 11th.. I will not be good. 

I doubted my own ability. 

I'm actually prepared to be scolded by my darlings once I sent them the text, and yes, as predicted.. Vs scolded me and such. I just hope that they won't give up on me. Please? :( 

Really too many things happening around and whatever it is.. 

I just can find my way to relate myself into it and think back what we both have discussed earlier. 

Things like, introducing him to my family during SQ and all.. but he didn't show up and such. 

Urghhh, it is too heart breaking and I really do envy Vs and ming for being able to go through all this for so long. I really do. 

Now, I'm really not sure what's going to happen in the future but I can only wish for the best for myself? 

Pretty please? :'( 

Anyway, for now. I really would love to hear from him. His everything.. 

I know he do not need me back, but I will always be there for him. Silly much? :( 

i always said that, I dare not wish, but I'm still wishing for it >.< 

Urghhhhhh! I'm getting out of my mind! I just hope that, I could stop crying and look forward. 

Really, I need to get a life. 

Same goes to you too, my dear friend who will be reading this. 

We shall work hard together, maybe to look forward but not backwards. 

I know I sound like I'm bullshitting, but I really am twisted at times! I'm not sure what I want and such. 

I just hope that I wouldn't give up on anything now. 

Ps : I almost give up and it seems I will do silly stuffs >.< 

No, I won't kill myself but I don't know la!!!  

Goddddddddd. Please, just let us go through this. 

I may not have the strength to go any further any more, am still trying now. 

I shall stop bullshiting. 

Till then. 

21 and 25072013 ; All that about ♥

Another 3 days + 4 days down and I'm feeling all good!


Thank goodness to my friends and family who has given me their best to me throughout this long and painful journey of mine. Time passed really fast and soon, most of my friends will start their new chapter -- working in a bit.


I'm still undecided what and where am I really going to work, and I can only hope for the best in me! :)
I see lots of opportunities for me and I'd hope I will find whatever I wanna do in the fast future tooo!


Back to the topic, Yeaaa, it is about what am I up to recently again.
Reading back my own words, It made me realised what has happened and hopefully I will be stronger day by day... Also, another highlight for this post...

I think I've a crush on someone? I, myself is not clear whether it is real, but yeaaa, it does feel like it.
Just like what happened with him last time. But one thing about this is that, it is obvious that someone else has fall in love with him and I don't know how should I see myself.

I mean, I'm not sure if I really like him or it was just a illusion? But as far as I'm concerned.. .
I do feel like talking to him and sometimes, it seems like that fellow has a little crush on me too -____-

Not sure Not sure. Probably he is just all good to everyone like this, but.. hmmm..
Hope for the best yea?


Even so, I'm not sure even if I still loves him as much as I used to. Probably yes, and probably no.
As what I have mentioned earlier, I hate to see things about him but sometimes, I can't help it to stalk at him facebook -___-  Wth.


And as much as I'm trying to get rid of him, I started to see "funny things" in him. Asking why didn't we invite him for events and stuffs or even, liked the pictures I posted. Why?



Just as I wanted to be normal and gets closer to you, you give me shit. But when I'm almost fine, you started to come back? I do not know if you really wanted to come back or what. But, out of sudden.. You started to like my pictures and stuffs.


Hey, have you really considered my feelings? Anyway, I ain't got no time for stuffs like this. I'm getting pissed day by day or the shits that you threw to me. Worse of all, I hated it when I see you both communicate or whenever I see both of you. You are just the pain in the ass for me.


If someone would asked me again, do I still want him back?
I MAY say no for now because I hasn't seen him for quite sometime and I feel all good. But things may turn upside down if he so happen to show up infront of me again! -_-

Why is this happening?? I'm still clueless on what I want and don't. In fact, I'm suspecting to have a crush on someone and I'm not too sure what exactly it is. But I do understand that... Once you started to fall for someone ELSE, the past... no matter how long it was... a weeks, 5 days or whatever shit,

It could just be erased in split second!


I actually have that feeling for a short while, but I know it wasn't right to do so. As in,
I was so blardy hurt the day before and I'm fine suddenly with someone else?

Mannnnnnn.. I'm not you! I just couldn't do it! But, All I did was.. I told the one which I suspected to have a crush on that, I couldn't lose him anymore. I have lose enough of my dearest friends.


I didn't want to spoil our "relationship" now, so I will only be enjoying the moments as a friend or whatever and we shall see by then. Maybe?


Anyway, it is 26th again tomorrow. A day which I used to look forward every month. But now,
it mean nothing to me nor him. Damn, when can I get over you?


I don't know if I'm still loving him, but because I don't see him now, I'm feeling all right.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I SEE HIM? TORNADO? OR VOLCANO maybe?


Silly girl, silly. 


I hate him and I love him. Sei soh mui.


You mean NOTHING to him. NOTHING. 
Heart changed and I will never get back again.



More and more craps coming up.
Till then.

18072013 ; All that about ♥

It's been 12 days since I last blog.

Yea time flies and It is 2 months since we broke up and I hope I'm becoming more and more numb...

I saw a lot of things which makes me feeling uneasy and sad but probably, I should just take it as one of the challenges that I have to go through in order to be stronger in all form in fast future. I hope I can do this too!


Too many things happening, too little time for me to digest. Sighhhh.

As much as I hated to lost you, I lost you.
As much as I hated my thing to go missing, I tend to lost my stuffs.

Dumb me.


I'm trying to let go things, accept what I'm supposed to accept and see what I'm suppose to see...
I really do.

But maybe, 70% of me is all done except for the remaining 30%... which I'm still holding and believing for faith between us. I may be stubborn although I know it will not work. Dumb me.


Before SQ 13', I thought I'd still have slightttttttttttt slightttttttttttttt chance. I thought you will reconsider and come meet with my parents during SQ (Bet my imagination is pretty damn good). But I was wrong,
he didn't show up. He went to SQ, I do not know if I was there or not but, he came with the girl.

Wtf?



Whatever it is, I started to hate the things I see although I thought that I'm all tough. Bullshit.
I'm still a toufu inside and freaking fragile -_-

I don't know why, I started to give that bitch stare at her car or anything about them and I didn't even want to see or talk to him when he is just near to me. Numb, I'm all numb I guess?



Anyway, life goes on.. Sequence 13' has ended and It is about time for me to move on.
I love you, but so what?

I know I will definitely found someone who dear me. I surely will.
I don't know what else am I suppose to say, but... Just wish for the best!!


Yesterday, Vinsze asked me if I'm alright in a "high-middle" tone...
She said everyone said that I have been acting weirdly ever since. Frankly speaking, even without them telling me.. I do realised it myself too but I can't help it. It feels freaking uneasy whenever they are discussing about couple topics and et cetera.

I guess it is more of a inner thing which no one can help but myself. I will try my best because I ain't pathetic.
I'm giving myself a year for anything and EVERYTHING. *Let's put our fingers crossed that I can work on this!!* 


Yea, sometimes I sounded so confident, but sometime I sounded so funny and stupid. Which, I myself don't understand as well. Anyway, I can only say,


Things has been done and I should just love me more. I feel great day by day with the people who love and dear me. In return, I will try to control my temper for a better self in the future and hopefully I can find a new someone soon?


HAHAHAHA dream too early. Nights!



Till then.

06072013 ; All that about ♥

It is 9:53 AM now and I'm wide awake...

It's been quite sometime since I have this "sickness" where I will dream about us/you/you both just before I wake up in the morning. This isn't normal as it's been weeks and it seems to be one of my daily routine now!

Well, If you recall. I did mention before in my previous that, sometimes I woke up with super mood and sometimes I woke up with bad mood because of the dream...

Today, just the same as usual, I dream about US. 


Again, a happy DREAM but sad reality. It was about us going for a trip (Pattaya trip I suppose) and suddenly you said we're fine and we're back together. I remember in the dream that, there was once I tried to stick to you again after we've recovered and you told me that we'll pretend and only will let them know after the trip... So, we'd keep some distance in the trip.

I wasn't really sooooo into the dream and I think I actually did think about it in my dream!
What I mean is, I did ask myself if what he said is true.. giving a chance to us again but neglected to announce to our friends that we're al right.

I don't know what happened at the end of the dream as I'm awake in the middle of it.

Dream remain as a dream, everything jumbled up. It was either we're on a trip OR it was my birthday and you was there to surprise me with them.



How I wish dream will come true?



I don't know why am I having this sickness now and it seems there's no ending.
I talked to Xinyi about this and she said I have gotten his poison.

Perhaps, as much as I try to live happily without you, my heart doesn't do the same.
My mood is down down down downnnnnnnnnnnn when I'm awake this morning and I even tell myself that.. don't be silly! don't think too much!

He should be living his life happily with his new girlfriend and I'm all stuck like this.
I don't know how many times I want to say but, I'm still loving you. BUT what for?


Sigh. 


Till then.

04072013 ; All that about ♥

It's been another 2 week since I last updated.. .
I have always wanted to update, but I was either too tired after gym or It's too late.
It's been weeks since I occupy myself with workouts, visiting the gym more and more often so that I could achieve what I want before convocation.

Am still working hard now and hoping to see some results by then! Go! Go! Go! 


Well, in just few more days.. It will be two months after we broke up.
Yes, again. I haven't get over this thing yet. In fact, it has been bothering me for quite sometime.

I even dream of you every morning, just before I wake up and I can still remember each scenes now...
It was sort of giving me hope, or hurting me. This feeling is beyond unbearable.


There was once, I dream of you coming back to me, telling me that you loved me. We hug and happily ever after. I was so happy in my dream and I became extra moody when I realised it was just a dream! :'(

Other than that, It is either scenes where I see both of you are happily dating. WTFFFFFFFFFF. 



Shits do happen! 



Anyway, just last Wednesday... I'm supposed to be at the gym by 7pm with pretty as promised but because I have nothing to do and afraid of jam, I have decided to go BU earlier and wait for the time to go gym.

I actually planned to go mawar straight away to look for him and hopefully we can spend some time together as a friend or whatever before all of us left after graduation. Well, most of them think that I'm too much or too stubborn for wanting to be a friend of him after breaking up. They thought I'm still hoping or whatever.

But to be really honest, YES, I still have a small glimpse of hope with me at that time when I made the decision to look for him. But I really know what's the situation now..

As in, he already have someone else and all I want was just to spend some time together to cure the awkwardness in us.


He wanted us to be close friend, at first, I rejected because I thought it is tooooo ugly for me to accept.
But probably I still loves him, I actually try to accept and witness the truth.


I actually texted him and let him know that I'm going to look for him...
But as predicted, he rejected with all sort of excuses and what makes me mad/sad is that,
he said I don't know him well.


Just a disclaimer, my dear, Yes, I may not know you damn well, but it is undeniable that we've been together for 2 1/2 years and there must be something that I know about you!


I told you that, just do whatever you like as long as you are feeling comfortable and happy.
I have taken a big step for confronting you, telling you that we're friends and that's it.

I even ask you if it is alright for me to meet you. If you don't want me to come, just let me know will you? Just tell me that, I don't wanna see you instead of giving me all sorts of reasons.



The gf don't like and stuffs and etc etc.  It was all too ugly. You made me feel so ugly.




Although he said he is going out and will not be at home. I still went to mawar and talked to christopher at last.

This is the first time where when I see white myvi, I have a strong feeling that It is her.
I can't help it. the feeling is surreal and it feels like "THIS IS IT".

But because I do not know and not too sure, so I actually checked on their shoes.
As I make my way into mawar, I see all his 3 shoes at the rack.. It keep me wondering if they are at home,
because he told me that they are going to KL but how come he wore his slippers instead of his shoes?

So, as I walk to Christopher's room. I see no slippers infront of his room. Then I thought they really went out with slippers.. So from there, I know that the white Myvi is not the car! Pffffffff* 


But after a while, as I was sitting infront of Chris's room.
I heard someone opening the gate, I peeped and I never thought that... It was them walking out. I feel so speechless. I just saw them walking out together.


I guessed they are going to basketball court as he is holding his water bottle BUT not wearing or bringing his basketball shoe. Probably, they just go out for a walk or talk?

My heart sunk. I witnesses "them" myself. But there's one question that keeps bothering me...
"Why do he/they hide their shoe in the room?"


I said this because, just the day before all this happen, I actually see him having his slippers outside of his room. Why on earth he wanna put their slippers in the room suddenly?
I do not know and I don't wanna ask.

I talked to Chris and yea, everyone hope that I could live for myself and forget him ASAP.
it is hard, but I tried.


Last week, after that incident, I never ever look for him. Except for stalking him and see what time he sleeps and all... I didn't look for him directly. I feel a little more alive and I really did try to live my life for myself.


But there's one thing that I can't help it, at least for now... whenever I see the car.
I feel so mad, so sad and everything negative.


I do not know if I'm stalking them or I just have good observation skills?
I tend to know where are they going, what do they do and all. I can see all things clearly.

Just yesterday, as much as I ALMOST called him to get some money for me to pay toll, I didn't.
But surprisingly, he came to talk to me. Asking me about my car and my whereabouts. I told him that I'm going to Gym and blah blahhh.

We did talk something else too and the whole conversation ended about an hour later.
I was so happy that he actually came to talk to me!
I do not know what's on his mind, for now, if he wants me to be his friend. I'd always welcome him.
But, I do not know what will happen in the future.

I started to hate you for showing me all the little little things.
I don't know what I wanted to say but... I feel, I'm feeling more and more unbearable.


I love you but, this is too much to take now. I don't see myself in you... As in, I don't see a form of respect from you. I started telling myself that, I will soon be able to let go of him. Let him know that I can live better even without him.



I'm trying, I'm trying!


As far as I'm brave to tell this now. Another side of mine shrink. I keep telling myself that I can't love him anymore and comforting myself that I will be getting a better one soon in the future.


Again, as I'm writing this. I feel I have sooooooooooo much to tell. But, it is all beyond words.
But there's one thing that I'm very sure, it is, my feeling towards has not ended.

Believe it or not, I'm still wishing and hoping that you will recall back some scenes and you will,
" Ohhh, I still love her most" or any similar scenes.  I'M VERY SILLY, I KNOW! 



Alright, boo ya! Am getting out of here before I start jumble up everything.
Too many things happening, too little space for me to express!
Shall update more often for a clearer post.



Till then.

24062013 ; All that about ♥

LOVE?

It's been 2 weeks since I last updated because I finally have witnesses the truth, the ugly truth.

Just on the 11th June, exactly one month after we broke up...

As I pushed the door... I saw him walking out with another girl. My heart felt. Dropped down.
Shocked and speechless...

I asked him why is she here and he told me that they had lunch with Simon in the afternoon and they were in the house to have a little chat.

Then I brave myself to ask him a question... "You like her?".
And his answer was, "Yes".

I asked him, "How long have you liked her?" and his answer was... "few weeks ago."

I couldn't breathe at the moment. I asked him a lot of questions, do you still love me? do you respect me? what is all this? can you really let go all this? etc etc etc.

I... couldn't believe my eyes and my heart stop beating.

We broke up a month ago and he like the girl few weeks back. How should I respond?


We talked a little more and I went to gym. As I was on my way to pick Ugly, I called Huixin, Xin Yi and Vin  Sze. I cried out loud, driving with lots of pain.


There are a lot of things that my friends knew or saw throughout the month and I was the only one who didn't notice and unaware. I thought giving him freedom and trust would be the key to a successful relationship.
But, guess I was wrong.

They have been seeing the girl coming to the house looking for him, going out together or even bumped into them during dinner outside. Even the blurrest Rou Ying knew and asked Xin Yi about us.

Christopher actually told me that, the girl has made her way into the house during the week when we are doing our presentation board... To be specific, it was just a week after we break up.

I'm not saying that he cheated on me, in fact, he didn't.

They did this "truth moment" game when we're at the Skybar and they asked him questions.
I knew they were asking about us because I noticed the change in their tone... As in, suddenly...
Everything became sooooooooooo quiet and soft. I couldn't be bothered.

In fact, I feel it is good for him to express himself. As for myself, I have expressed way too much that my friends started to hate be struggling for this relationship. They asked me to let go, life goes on...




But I'm too stubborn to let go.




I love him very much, I gave him my heart. I told him, He knew.
To be honest, even until now. this moment... I still can hardly believe what has happened.

He is already dating another girl for about two weeks and I'm all alone.


Huixin told me that, the end of relationship doesn't mean the end of everything. But to me, for now,
It is.

Back in Bangkok, the last night at Bangkok,
I confronted and talked to him. I told him that,
I really really loves him.

But no matter what, I won't be their 3rd party. It is just not me. But for me to let go,
It won't be as easy as everyone else say too. I used to hate being alone, I always have you to be with me.
Whether we text or call, sleep or what. You once told me that,

"We don't have to see each other all the time because when we close our eyes, we will be able to see one another already.."

I just read your blog again and I really can feel how happy you were at the beginning.
We've been so sweet together. Happy happy and HAPPY for you to describe your words.


I never expect we will be like this now... As I tried to go closer, you will bounce further.


I know I should give up by now. Vin Sze , Christopher and everyone said I should stop everything by now.
I know, but it is hard for me.

I'm afraid of everything. Losing you, doing things alone and etc.

I have been a dependent Girlfriend but I acted like a man.

Although the percentage of us getting back together is beyond negative, but probably I should just keep a smalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll space for you?


Urghh. I don't know what am I doing. Getting more and more silly and stubborn.
Anyhow, Just wish that you're happy.


As always, let me know if you needed me. I will always be there for you my love.
Whether you love me or not, It doesn't matter.

I'm silly and I knew it. God, show me my way.


My life has to go on. Whatever promises, all should be gone by now. He is happily dating with Jess.

Love or no love. We shall see by then. Just gotta keep updating and see how thing goes.
I lied if I said I've given up hoping.





Till then.

08062013 ; All that about ♥

Hey,

I really miss you being mine. Urgh... 

Such a heartfelt day again. I think I'm getting more and more miserable with my current life.
I'm used to receive your text now and then but things changed one month back.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future but I'm sure that,
My heartbeat is still beating for you. I know I have been a bad girl yesterday for being rude when I leave Mawar. I didn't wave back but I really hated to say or wave "Bye" at you. It just..hurt so bad.


It kept me thinking whether what I've done is right or wrong ONLY after I left. Sigh, I regretted so badly.

Probably because of that, he didn't even bother to check whether I'm safe or not.
No text NOTHING until I message him at night at facebook regarding the diet thing I watched in TV.

:'(


Die die die. 

I'm losing my patience, wishing to shakeeeeeee you and ask if we still have chance.
For the time being, I knew that the chances are VERY VERY low. Probably you are enjoying your single life, or probably not. But as far as I know, I enjoyed and cherished my day with you.

This tells how much I wanted to be back with you.

A lot of people told me that whatever I'm doing now is wrong, and I shall not continue being stubborn.
They said we're no longer possible and asked me to give up.

You know.. the moment when people starting to give up on whatever you are doing, it feel so so bad.
But I'm still holding against my vow. To stay strong and be firm until last minute.


I told you that I will wait for you no matter how long.
2 years.. 4 years.. 10 years..

I wish I could and I wish you will wait for me too!

Babyboy,
Give me a chance to repay back what I have done wrongly. I hope I will see what I wish to see during the trip.. but for the time being, yeahhh, I will not disturb you so much.

I'm really really intense to know your answer.
I hope we really are still hoping for the same.


My heart, my soul will always be with you.


Probably I'm bored at home, it makes me feel so "love sick". I started to pay attention to the love song lyrics, and visualizing it with our situation.

Yeaaa, It is all true that, people only tend to see things clearly after stepping out of situation. Maybe,
I was too "trapped" in my own mind set and neglected on the other side.

I have seen and heard from some newly wed in some random HK TV programme.
They said, "Love" is by mean two mankind is willing to forgive and forget what has happened and to look forward to live together.

It may be hard and it takes time for one to understand and adapt the new environment together in order to create a warm and loving family relationship.

I was too narrow minded on relationships. I was stuck with all those what girlfriend are supposed to have and stuffs. In short, those thing that guys will NEVER like. ..


It is such a heartfelt and unbearable day that I wish it would come to an end soon.

I wish I could express myself to you again but I know I can't.
You may not have the interest and definitely you will think it is overflow AGAIN.

Hence, I will not do it and will just.. keep blogging. Guess this is the only way I could express myself as everyone including my siblings think that I'm being too stubborn and silly to still hang on tight on this relationship >.<


I miss you and love you so much.


Babe ♥