24062013 ; All that about ♥

LOVE?

It's been 2 weeks since I last updated because I finally have witnesses the truth, the ugly truth.

Just on the 11th June, exactly one month after we broke up...

As I pushed the door... I saw him walking out with another girl. My heart felt. Dropped down.
Shocked and speechless...

I asked him why is she here and he told me that they had lunch with Simon in the afternoon and they were in the house to have a little chat.

Then I brave myself to ask him a question... "You like her?".
And his answer was, "Yes".

I asked him, "How long have you liked her?" and his answer was... "few weeks ago."

I couldn't breathe at the moment. I asked him a lot of questions, do you still love me? do you respect me? what is all this? can you really let go all this? etc etc etc.

I... couldn't believe my eyes and my heart stop beating.

We broke up a month ago and he like the girl few weeks back. How should I respond?


We talked a little more and I went to gym. As I was on my way to pick Ugly, I called Huixin, Xin Yi and Vin  Sze. I cried out loud, driving with lots of pain.


There are a lot of things that my friends knew or saw throughout the month and I was the only one who didn't notice and unaware. I thought giving him freedom and trust would be the key to a successful relationship.
But, guess I was wrong.

They have been seeing the girl coming to the house looking for him, going out together or even bumped into them during dinner outside. Even the blurrest Rou Ying knew and asked Xin Yi about us.

Christopher actually told me that, the girl has made her way into the house during the week when we are doing our presentation board... To be specific, it was just a week after we break up.

I'm not saying that he cheated on me, in fact, he didn't.

They did this "truth moment" game when we're at the Skybar and they asked him questions.
I knew they were asking about us because I noticed the change in their tone... As in, suddenly...
Everything became sooooooooooo quiet and soft. I couldn't be bothered.

In fact, I feel it is good for him to express himself. As for myself, I have expressed way too much that my friends started to hate be struggling for this relationship. They asked me to let go, life goes on...




But I'm too stubborn to let go.




I love him very much, I gave him my heart. I told him, He knew.
To be honest, even until now. this moment... I still can hardly believe what has happened.

He is already dating another girl for about two weeks and I'm all alone.


Huixin told me that, the end of relationship doesn't mean the end of everything. But to me, for now,
It is.

Back in Bangkok, the last night at Bangkok,
I confronted and talked to him. I told him that,
I really really loves him.

But no matter what, I won't be their 3rd party. It is just not me. But for me to let go,
It won't be as easy as everyone else say too. I used to hate being alone, I always have you to be with me.
Whether we text or call, sleep or what. You once told me that,

"We don't have to see each other all the time because when we close our eyes, we will be able to see one another already.."

I just read your blog again and I really can feel how happy you were at the beginning.
We've been so sweet together. Happy happy and HAPPY for you to describe your words.


I never expect we will be like this now... As I tried to go closer, you will bounce further.


I know I should give up by now. Vin Sze , Christopher and everyone said I should stop everything by now.
I know, but it is hard for me.

I'm afraid of everything. Losing you, doing things alone and etc.

I have been a dependent Girlfriend but I acted like a man.

Although the percentage of us getting back together is beyond negative, but probably I should just keep a smalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll space for you?


Urghh. I don't know what am I doing. Getting more and more silly and stubborn.
Anyhow, Just wish that you're happy.


As always, let me know if you needed me. I will always be there for you my love.
Whether you love me or not, It doesn't matter.

I'm silly and I knew it. God, show me my way.


My life has to go on. Whatever promises, all should be gone by now. He is happily dating with Jess.

Love or no love. We shall see by then. Just gotta keep updating and see how thing goes.
I lied if I said I've given up hoping.





Till then.

08062013 ; All that about ♥

Hey,

I really miss you being mine. Urgh... 

Such a heartfelt day again. I think I'm getting more and more miserable with my current life.
I'm used to receive your text now and then but things changed one month back.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future but I'm sure that,
My heartbeat is still beating for you. I know I have been a bad girl yesterday for being rude when I leave Mawar. I didn't wave back but I really hated to say or wave "Bye" at you. It just..hurt so bad.


It kept me thinking whether what I've done is right or wrong ONLY after I left. Sigh, I regretted so badly.

Probably because of that, he didn't even bother to check whether I'm safe or not.
No text NOTHING until I message him at night at facebook regarding the diet thing I watched in TV.

:'(


Die die die. 

I'm losing my patience, wishing to shakeeeeeee you and ask if we still have chance.
For the time being, I knew that the chances are VERY VERY low. Probably you are enjoying your single life, or probably not. But as far as I know, I enjoyed and cherished my day with you.

This tells how much I wanted to be back with you.

A lot of people told me that whatever I'm doing now is wrong, and I shall not continue being stubborn.
They said we're no longer possible and asked me to give up.

You know.. the moment when people starting to give up on whatever you are doing, it feel so so bad.
But I'm still holding against my vow. To stay strong and be firm until last minute.


I told you that I will wait for you no matter how long.
2 years.. 4 years.. 10 years..

I wish I could and I wish you will wait for me too!

Babyboy,
Give me a chance to repay back what I have done wrongly. I hope I will see what I wish to see during the trip.. but for the time being, yeahhh, I will not disturb you so much.

I'm really really intense to know your answer.
I hope we really are still hoping for the same.


My heart, my soul will always be with you.


Probably I'm bored at home, it makes me feel so "love sick". I started to pay attention to the love song lyrics, and visualizing it with our situation.

Yeaaa, It is all true that, people only tend to see things clearly after stepping out of situation. Maybe,
I was too "trapped" in my own mind set and neglected on the other side.

I have seen and heard from some newly wed in some random HK TV programme.
They said, "Love" is by mean two mankind is willing to forgive and forget what has happened and to look forward to live together.

It may be hard and it takes time for one to understand and adapt the new environment together in order to create a warm and loving family relationship.

I was too narrow minded on relationships. I was stuck with all those what girlfriend are supposed to have and stuffs. In short, those thing that guys will NEVER like. ..


It is such a heartfelt and unbearable day that I wish it would come to an end soon.

I wish I could express myself to you again but I know I can't.
You may not have the interest and definitely you will think it is overflow AGAIN.

Hence, I will not do it and will just.. keep blogging. Guess this is the only way I could express myself as everyone including my siblings think that I'm being too stubborn and silly to still hang on tight on this relationship >.<


I miss you and love you so much.


Babe ♥

07062013; All that about ♥

Of promises and coincident. 

I just mentioned in the previous post that I was sooooo very the overwhelmed when he actually suggested for a day out the other day. But yea, our "date" has been cancelled because the contractor will be going over to Mawar to fix their ceiling. 

Damn stuffs happen at this time! :'( 

I was upset when I receive his message regarding this and drama happens next. 

MORE drama I mean.. 

I actually requested to accompany him at mawar to wait for the contractor since he has been alone most of the time and all I want is just to be his companion for a day. I didn't even hope or plan to do anything though! 

But sadly, he thought I was a little too "sticky" and asked me to give him more free time and space since next week we'll be going for a trip and we both will be sleeping together in a room throughout the trip. He then warned me not to force him to change his mind for sleeping with me... 

I got mad and I sort of scolded him... I just want him to understand that.. 

I didn't force you to sleep or hang out with me. It was you who actually "invited" or "give me the permission" to do so. I hope you could get things right! :( 

Then, after some conflict.. I asked him again whether he still want to be in the same room with me in the trip and he said "Yes". 

Sometimes, I was given hope and sometimes, you took the hope away. 

I don't know what should I feel regarding this as.. I will not know how to react. 

Anyhow, I was supposed to go for shopping alone since he has to be at mawar with the contractor, but I have decided to come home without him noticing it.. I hope he will worry a little? Maybe?

So, I'm home and doing whatever I should be doing. I have wasted enough time and guess it is time for me to pick up what I'm suppose to be doing. 

That doesn't mean I'm giving up yet as I'm stilllllll hanging on tight for the best. 

Xy told me that, no matter how's the result, I have done my best, hence, there shouldn't be any regrets after. 

Let's just hope for the best alright? I wish time could really clear our mind and lead us the way we wanted to.. Or maybe I should say.. lead the way I wanted it to be. 

Love, 

babe ♥

06062013 ; All that about ♥

It's been 2 days since I last updated my blog and hereby updating the current status of mine.

Yesterday went pretty well but still, I failed to convince him. Or maybe I should say.. Things remain unchanged, no rejection, no improvement but just plain expressing ourselves again.

I asked him "What is he thinking, what do he want" for numerous time but I haven't gotten any answer yet.
I talked to Xinyi and she said, she is afraid that he wanted to tell me something after the trip.

I'm not sure what she really mean or maybe it has no meaning at all or just because she doesn't wanna hurt me. Probably.. he thought of really call it off after the trip so that it won't spoil my mood for the trip?

Well, I'm not sure and it is still a mystery. I told him that I was brave to show him my "inner side" for numerous times when he has been trying to avoid these "sensitive questions" according to him.

I really wish to know what is he thinking or what would be his next step..
As much as I wanted to find out but at the same time, I'm afraid for the day to come..

What I mean is, I'm afraid if he say the word again for the second time. As I'm writing this now,
honestly speaking, I could feel the pain in my heart. I dare not think of what's going to happen as much as I wanted to find out. But of course I hope it will go the way that I want! >.<


I'm really reaLLY REALLY worried! :'( 


Yesterday went well in the morning when we started to have a little chat and all. But I teared a little when I saw the basketball girl's name appeared first in his phone's whatsapp list. "Jess Siow". . .

He asked me what's wrong, but I gave him all sort of answers.. Sleepy, wipe sweat and etc.
I'm not sure if he knew what's wrong but I guess he may not be interested to know what's wrong with me for being jealous of other girls when I'm just not as how I used to be.

I.. I.. just couldn't say that I'm not his ... anymore. I can't. I just can't.
I can't let go. My heart really sunk. Really..  


I'm really trying hard to fix things up and I wish you know what am I doing.

I showed him the video he made me for our 15th Monthsary. Well, we both tear a little. I could see the tears in his eyes. I do not know what he is thinking.. I wish to know, but what if it is not what I'm thinking?

You get what I mean?

He tried to return me my clothes in his closet, my card and everything. but after awhile, guess he knew I'm a little upset.. So he decided to bring it to Bkk for me.


I actually planned to accompany him in the room for a day yesterday after we're done at the immigration and lunch since he have been alone for all day and night before this, but when I first tell him.. He rejected me. Giving me all sorts of reasons like..
"The room is hot, the house is dirty and dangerous... etc..." 

I tried soooooo hard to squeeze myself into his life. Showing him videos, making reasons so that he allow me to step into the room with him.. But after all that, I still don't know what all those really mean.

He asked me that why didn't I tell him earlier that I planned to have dinner with him as he already have plans with his friends for dinner.. But the question is... Even if I tell you the day before...

What will be your reaction? Will you allow me to accompany me? 

I was pretty upset but he promised me that on friday, we'll go pick up our passports in the morning,
followed by movie then dinner. I was soooooooooooOooooOOOO happy when he tell me this!

I nod  my head like a little girls and smiled at him! :')

But whether it is going to happen or not, It is soon to find out tomorrow. I could feel a little hope when I left Mawar yesterday, but I received a msg from him just minutes after I left...

This is what he mentioned in the sms ,
"I can still give you hug and care you because we are best best right?Are we?" 

Well, how should I respond to him? My heart was a little trembling when I first read it, thinking how to reply.. and I finally decided to reply in such..

"Not everything has to be all clear. Shall leave some space for others to decide what it really means. But if you really want an answer, I can only say.. "Yes, Probably"." 


So, are you happy with my answer? Anyhow, I didn't like your sms :'(
It hurt sooo bad. . .


I have so much to tell today, It feels like I need a video to record it down or what.
Am still wondering if I should show him videos tomorrow, or talk cheeky stuffs or whatever.
Still very undecided! But at the same time, worried that he will be overdosed with all those by me :X


Well, maybe I should just.. respond according to situation. I guess for the time being, I should just enjoy the moment with him tomorrow and treat it as a "date" and try to make him feel sweet and stuffs.

**Siew Leng, maybe you should consider not saying anything cheeky at the beginning!* 


Alright, guess that's it for today. Whether will there be part II today, I shall leave that to fate.


F.A.I.T.H and H.O.P.E 

Am still believing in it and still hang on tight.
Love you. 


Babe  ♥

04062013 Part II ; All that about ♥

Never know I will still have part 2 out of sudden. But I can't get my mind of it.

Well, we used to have savings together. Our initial plan is to have a sum of money so that we could use it when we're going to travel or whenever we needed money urgently.

I never thought this day would come so early. He asked me to take that RM 200 back.
I don't want that money,  I asked him to take back and continue keeping it but he insisted to give back my share as he doesn't have a place to keep it  now. I hope it is really as simple as that and no inside meaning.

Please? Why just when I thought there will be changes, things started to fall apart and break my self esteem.
Does that mean I will never have him back again?


I hope everything will go well. Please.

04062013 ; All that about ♥

Hope vs. reality check


I have been dying to look for all those videos or blogs or stuffs which has been created by him to me and I cried. I cried everytime when I view them.. Why?

How could I change so drastically and neglected how he feels? Now I truly regrets..
Tomorrow is the day where we will meet to get our passport done *Hopefully it will be done by tomorrow!*
and I'm still considering if I should ask him after that. ..

Should I or should I not?

I'm not impatient, but I wish to know what are you thinking and hopefully I would get some idea from there.
We've been so good and sweet and I think, we definitely can be as good as that or even better after this major lesson learnt.


I've been thinking that I will succeed, I will succeed.. how will I reach and such. But sometimes, It also kept bothering that.. what If I fail again? I dare not think, but I can't help it.


I just would like to say that, give me and us a chance. Will you?


Guess I'm haywired again and I'm not sure what I'm going to write today. But basically,
I think I'm confessing to him again tomorrow and hopefully I will back with good news tomorrow? Maybe?


Sometimes I'm confident that I would succeed, but sometimes, it is another way round.
Goddddddddddd, give me the strength and power to fix things up. I really love him and I know he is just the same as me.

We've been hiding and dragging for quite sometime and all I wish for is only to be together again and I'll prove to you and him that I'm ready for changes. I also wished that, he could be all mine when we're off for trip next week.


I'll pray hard tonight. Please let me excel!!



Babe ♥

03062013 ; All that about ♥

Just yesterday.. He told me that he found my card, and it is all fine! :)
FATE FATE FATE! No matter what happens, our love, product will never be destroyed. Good sign maybe? :)

It made me smile and at the same time feeling guilty for risking his life to look that for me. I do not know how horrible the house has turned, but with no hesitation, my priority is to safe my one and only card back to me.
I do not know what's gonna happen to me or us, but at least that's something that I can do to myself...

It is to treasure what I truly belongs.

Today, I have the sudden urge to ask him out to get our passport done a day earlier.
Reasons :
1. I heard there are tonnes of people making it, I worry it may take us a long time to have it as our trip is next week!
2. Because I have the sudden plan to confess to him for the last and final time. Although I'm still considering whether to do it or not. Still thinking.. Should I?

I asked him and he insisted to get it done on Wednesday as planned earlier and what makes me sad is that,
he insisted to ask leon to come along with us. I got speechless.

As what I have mention earlier, I thought of confessing the day when we go get our passport done..
But when I read his text, insisting to ask leon along to bring us there.. My heart sunk.

I got mad.

As much as I want it to be just us two, I still gotta ask Leon. I don't want him to think that I lied to him or what not. I also don't want to threaten Leon to not follow us *Although I may ALREADY threaten him*
but, at this point.. Fine, you guys decide whatever you want.


Guess this should also be Leon's turn to learn to handle things like this. He gotta learn what he really should do, as a man.


Well, guess everything has turned haywired. I wish things could be solved and it will be alright.

I still love you and hoping for the same in return as well.


Hoping for the best, still.



Babe♥

02062013 ; All that about ♥

Bad bad day!

I always knew the existence of the basketball girl that they met at the basketball court, but because we used to be together, so I'm afraid of nothing as I knew he loves me. But now, I could feel the pain in my heart and totally jealous when I see them talking and commenting in Facebook.

I cried silently in the car, tears flowing continuously as I was on  my way from SS2 to One Utama..

I guess I have been strong for too long and Yeah, I have broken down. How long more could I stand and wait? I wish to know what are you thinking, when will you talk to me about it face to face.

All I wish now is.. he will be able to look for the card that I left with him few weeks back and hopefully it is not badly destroyed by the spoiled tangki in their room. It is so sad that he left it unattended on him table and I seriously just want to have the card back.

It is mine, forever will be mine no matter how bad it has became!

I actually ask for his favour to get that card back for me, as I really want to have it back badly.
Hopefully, hopefully he manage to find it!

I was too silly to left it there with him the other day.. Now I totally regret as that's the only thing that he drew for me. Please, let me have it back? :'(

But until now, 5:23PM I still hasn't gotten any news from him. Guess he is busy cleaning his room and stuffs.
I seriously wish time could turn around and let me have my things back..
You and the card as well. Or at least, let me have the card back. It is something that I dear a lot.


It's been almost a month since we've separated and guess what.. I have never thought that we've separated.
Sis used the word "Your Ex" or whatever happened, I told myself that I have a bf. Guess that's what keeps me cheerful these days.

I always thought there will be chance, and we could still together as I see we're slightly improving.
You will text me and take the initiatives to look for me... Asking if I'm busy and stuffs. Why?
What do you want from me? When can I confront you again?

When will you respond to me?

I really think that I have been strong for too long or maybe, I have been too stubborn to let go?
I knew I have to give myself a period of time and see if we should still be together.. But, it is hard for me to do so. It kept me wondering.. What if you really don't want it? How will I react again the next time?

What will I do? What should I do? I really don't know. I dare not think.
I have been holding tight to wish for the best, and I really do and still hoping that things could go around and there will be a second chance for us.

I just read your blog, and it made me teared. That's so sweet of you and us. I wish time could travel back and to hold your hands once more.


I don't know what should I say now. It is all messed up..

Whatever it is, am still holding on tight to what I promised you. It is to claim your "single" once more.
Trust me, I will achieve it.

I'm your babe, always and forever.


Babe ♥