05082013 ; All that about ♥

Monday blueeeee, they said.

But to me, every day is so-so to me.
I feel pretty, empty again. I don't know what I want to do, what's next and such.
I bet this post is going to be damn long tooo.


I feel like expressing again...  It is just few more days until it is officially 3 months since that day.
Bet it's just going to be another hard day for me. Maybe? Hmmm, we'll find out soon.

I'm trying very hard to fight against my mindset. I told xy that I tend to hold my tears and I feel so bad. It feels as if It is "unfinished" and I can't move forward. I'm trapped, feeling all numb alone.

Tried to live happily everyday because there's no turning back to yesterday...
I know whatever I've lost... It will be gone, forever.


I recall all the words, promises that he used to tell me. We have thought of a lot of things together.
Marriage, wedding car, our dream and all... We both knew.

From our very own graduation trip to Malacca (his hometown) after my presentation to our Bkk trip, to buying iphone 5 at the end of the year.. buying me rings... flowers for convo.. etc etc.

There are just so many things that we've thought,TOGETHER... But nothing has come true.
It feels much much painful as days passed.

Xy is right, we can't take all the promises so seriously. It is just through mouth and there isn't any black or white. I don't mean we're not allowed to promise or what... but, do it as you say.
If you never thought of doing so, then don't mention.

We gotta work to chase our dream, but if you're only dreaming without having the thought of chasing it, why would you? I mean, as for me... I mentioned about stuffs I want to do with you, I never thought of giving up.
I really want to achieve it with you. Be the one for you... we said this will be your final relationship.
I will be your 3rd and last and you will be my first and last :)



But... what now?



I'm all dull, heart died and at the same time, worried that I won't be able to find someone else again.
I told xy that, "I'm afraid to gu du dao lao". Although I know I'm still young, I shouldn't be thinking in such way. She also said that, I've always wanting to look backwards.. Talking about stuffs from the past.

"last time, last time... Him him him"


How can I let go like this?


In fact, I didn't even thought of letting go. Even now, I'm still hoping for miracle to happen.
I don't know why I'm so grey.

Xy also told me that, I can always let them know whenever I need someone or whenever I want to express myself. Because nowadays.. when I'm feeling sad and wanting to cry.. I tend to hold my tears and emotions. I stopped myself from crying, but I keep them to myself.

I tried talking to Pretty yesterday morning... I told her about my sudden urge to find him and ask him to come back although I know he wouldn't want it any more.  As predicted, her words are full with torn. Telling me that it is normal, but I just need to stay strong and firm.. try to fight against my flashback.

I know they are all good for me, wanting me to let go.

I wish I could. Just give me more time.


At this point of view, I'm desperately wanting to let go all my memories despite it is good or bad.
Please, leave me alone. I don't want them any more... This pain is unbearable.


I wonder... what if, 2 years back.. I really gave up and you didn't thought of coming to me.
All this wouldn't happen and we could be friends. But, urghhh...

What if... I realised our problem earlier and we could fix this.
What if what if what if WHAT IF! Damn!

I don't know. I never regret loving you! But Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! So damn twisted!
I'm talking about the same thing everyday...


Everyone is bored and sick of me talking about the same thing, and they are bored of  telling me the same shits too. But, I just can't help it. If I was given a chance, I would definitely take the risk to get back your heart. Yes, It sounded utmost blardy stupid...

but b, wo zhen de hen ai ni :(


Look which stupid woman is talking again? Sighhh.. Everyday, I talked to god and wished for the best for myself. Please, just let me go through this. I'm sick, tired and bored.
I need to get a life too.

Someone told me that... I'm used to be one happy girl. It is not worth to be sad for a man who doesn't dear me. Some even say, He don't even seems to regret what he have done, so why are you still thinking on impossible stuffs?

I can even relate anything and everything with him and that makes me even more pathetic.
Yes, I missed him A LOT. Thinking all day and night if he EVER think about us again or he is happily living his life now? Have they argued before? Will he think of me?


My goodness. Why am I so stupid? :(




Till then.