Hey! it's me again! (Durhhh, if not who else coming here.. -_-)
Anyway, It is about time for me to really really reallyyyyyy have deep deep thoughts on what I'm going to write here or what I really want for myself in the fast future.
It is either, I'll forever stuck in this kind of situation or I'll have to move on. Well, I guess I'm taking option two.. which is to have a better living.
I'm clear at mind that I will definitely say "Hell No!" to pathetic life but, you know, there are times where...
You just feel like being stupid for once and for all (although I have been such stupid and joker for quite sometime) to make my life or day happier. But sometimes, I will regret after I do so or, I will feel utmost speechless or emotionless witnessing the truth or what he do to me with my own eyes.
It ain't fun.
As much as I hope to move on (I always wish I could), I'm still worried and scared to see them in front of me again. I know I did nothing wrong and I shouldn't be avoiding. But, I'm not sure if they will try to avoid me too? Will they even feel shy? Or shame to see or meet me? Or was it only me who think this much again?
Just yesterday (Tuesday), when I was there to pick up Angeline and Shy Hui for high tea, As I parked my car by the roadside at Mawar... Or even when I was about to make my turn into Mawar.. I feel extremely nervous.
I'm scared, worried and etc.
And questions such as, Will I bump into them? Is the car there? Is she there? Where is him? Is he still there or he's back to malacca?
Ahhhhhh, Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
All sorts of funny question have been playing in my mind.. and my heart was beating fast.
It was a relieved when I don't see the car or them when I was there.
I wonder what's wrong with myself... It feels like It was me who did something bad to him. But in fact,
I did not. I can't keep myself calm and I just don't feel like going back to Mawar any more...
That place, is full with our memories through good or bad times. From day 1 when you moved in, until the day where I walked out and you chased me all the way to belakang when we last argued... It's too much for me to take.
They even did talked about him a little during our high tea session and it triggers my emotion a little. To me,
he is always the one I wanted and all of a sudden, I got eliminated from his game.
Hmmmm, It is unacceptable but I don't have a choice with me.
I'm feeling blessed and happy that after months dreaming about him/them/us.. I finally had a good night sleep without having any dreams at night! Weeeeeeee! Like, I finally get to sleep until the next morning :)
But in return, it feels like my mind are not over it yet. It's like, since there's no dream.. It sort of waking me up earlier almost every morning making me thinking on stuffs. My brain starting to "talk" on stuffs like, what he thinks, what's gonna happen and all... It's like a second brain of mine telling me that "things are not done nor settled" and I just gotta keep whining on the same thing almost everyday... :(
------------ Feeling dizzy and sick the whole day due to menstrual pain. Shall continue tmr when I'm feeling a little better. P/s: Why am I so forgetful and weak there after? :( -------------
29th August 2013
Just as I stopped half way sharing about what I'm experiencing every morning yesterday...
this morning, same thing happened. But I couldn't remember clearly what was it about.. All I know was, he's in my dream again. It is either he's stubborn or such...
I hope by now he should be learning to be a better man?
Well, guess that's none of my business any more..
I actually feel like expressing a lot whenever I'm not with my laptop.. But whenever, I'm here.. my brain goes blank -_- Urghhh!
You know, If I was given a chance to talk to him again or if there's a time reversing machine...
I definitely have so much to add on, so much to tell him. Tell him that we could fix this together...
No matter how hard it is, we'll definitely be able to go through this together because I do believe that..
It is just the matter of time. But, mehhh.. fullstop.
As always, No matter what has happened, I just can't help myself from loving you. Things has gone this way, we do realised what's going on. But still, I'm always the silly girl. Wanting to be cuddled and loved by you once more.
But I guess, I can only keep this to myself. I always see you on line recently and I so wanted to just talk to you. I know I shouldn't. We both need to get a life and I didn't have the courage to do so. I've been trying to hurt myself by imagining how you both will be so that I could let go of you. It looks like you're alone now in Mawar, but that's how it used to be even when we're together.. You're just, happy on the inside.
I'm not saying that we're bad together, but we're not given a chance to try out.
I love you,baby. I hate to call you my "ex".
I tear very often recently, A song or even just an object could make me cry. I'm too emotional.
Just yesterday.. when I was so weak. I wish for someone to be there for me. I can't help myself from imagine if you're there for me. What you will be telling me, how you will sayang and tam me... But again, yeahh, I know it's not gonna happen any more.
It's just, If there's anything happening or if any date came across my mind.. I will think of the things or place we go. Or even when I visit to those places that we used to go together or we said we'll be going together, It made me tear.. Even now when I'm typing this...
How could I fall so deeply. I really don't know why.
People often tell me that, "suan liao la", "what's so good about mantai?", "useless man.." and etc.
I heard and understood what they say, but to me, love, is incomparable and unexplainable.
Well, I should stop saying. Otherwise I'm gonna cry.
Yesterday night, when the whole family was watching tv... there's a scene where the woman loses her best memory with the guy and all she remembers was back then when she still hates him like anything. Then, I wished for myself that, I could have lost my memories with him and I can live happily ever after.
It's not necessary for me to have bad feeling to him like how the woman has, but just.. I just hope to live happily. At this point, I really wish I could forget everything. At least, for now, it will be less suffering to me..
But what if later on I fall for you again? Hahaha!
Besides than loosing my memory, I have also thought of many more other dramatic scenes. For which, what if I'm involved in an accident and such.. Will you come to me?
I know that even if you come back, it's because you pity me. Not because you're sincere to me.
Or, was it a trick from you? Like what you did to me on my 20th birthday? A surprise maybe?
Well, I should stop being all vain. It's hell no surprise. IT'S FUCKING REAL THAT HE LEAVES ME!
Accept it,Siew Leng.
Hmmm, I wonder if he will ever remember this blog's url? What if he sees this?
What's going to be on his mind huh? Hmmmm..
I told xy that, I'm in pain inside out. Physically and mentally. I'm too exhausted.
I also told her that, it seems.. I couldn't live any longer as I'm getting weak each day. It feels like my organs is functioning very slowly and It's unbearable. I feel like dying.
But Noooooooo Lahhhh, I'm not going to do silly things.
I think, that's all for today before my emotion goes up again.
Till then.
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