21 and 25072013 ; All that about ♥

Another 3 days + 4 days down and I'm feeling all good!


Thank goodness to my friends and family who has given me their best to me throughout this long and painful journey of mine. Time passed really fast and soon, most of my friends will start their new chapter -- working in a bit.


I'm still undecided what and where am I really going to work, and I can only hope for the best in me! :)
I see lots of opportunities for me and I'd hope I will find whatever I wanna do in the fast future tooo!


Back to the topic, Yeaaa, it is about what am I up to recently again.
Reading back my own words, It made me realised what has happened and hopefully I will be stronger day by day... Also, another highlight for this post...

I think I've a crush on someone? I, myself is not clear whether it is real, but yeaaa, it does feel like it.
Just like what happened with him last time. But one thing about this is that, it is obvious that someone else has fall in love with him and I don't know how should I see myself.

I mean, I'm not sure if I really like him or it was just a illusion? But as far as I'm concerned.. .
I do feel like talking to him and sometimes, it seems like that fellow has a little crush on me too -____-

Not sure Not sure. Probably he is just all good to everyone like this, but.. hmmm..
Hope for the best yea?


Even so, I'm not sure even if I still loves him as much as I used to. Probably yes, and probably no.
As what I have mentioned earlier, I hate to see things about him but sometimes, I can't help it to stalk at him facebook -___-  Wth.


And as much as I'm trying to get rid of him, I started to see "funny things" in him. Asking why didn't we invite him for events and stuffs or even, liked the pictures I posted. Why?



Just as I wanted to be normal and gets closer to you, you give me shit. But when I'm almost fine, you started to come back? I do not know if you really wanted to come back or what. But, out of sudden.. You started to like my pictures and stuffs.


Hey, have you really considered my feelings? Anyway, I ain't got no time for stuffs like this. I'm getting pissed day by day or the shits that you threw to me. Worse of all, I hated it when I see you both communicate or whenever I see both of you. You are just the pain in the ass for me.


If someone would asked me again, do I still want him back?
I MAY say no for now because I hasn't seen him for quite sometime and I feel all good. But things may turn upside down if he so happen to show up infront of me again! -_-

Why is this happening?? I'm still clueless on what I want and don't. In fact, I'm suspecting to have a crush on someone and I'm not too sure what exactly it is. But I do understand that... Once you started to fall for someone ELSE, the past... no matter how long it was... a weeks, 5 days or whatever shit,

It could just be erased in split second!


I actually have that feeling for a short while, but I know it wasn't right to do so. As in,
I was so blardy hurt the day before and I'm fine suddenly with someone else?

Mannnnnnn.. I'm not you! I just couldn't do it! But, All I did was.. I told the one which I suspected to have a crush on that, I couldn't lose him anymore. I have lose enough of my dearest friends.


I didn't want to spoil our "relationship" now, so I will only be enjoying the moments as a friend or whatever and we shall see by then. Maybe?


Anyway, it is 26th again tomorrow. A day which I used to look forward every month. But now,
it mean nothing to me nor him. Damn, when can I get over you?


I don't know if I'm still loving him, but because I don't see him now, I'm feeling all right.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I SEE HIM? TORNADO? OR VOLCANO maybe?


Silly girl, silly. 


I hate him and I love him. Sei soh mui.


You mean NOTHING to him. NOTHING. 
Heart changed and I will never get back again.



More and more craps coming up.
Till then.

18072013 ; All that about ♥

It's been 12 days since I last blog.

Yea time flies and It is 2 months since we broke up and I hope I'm becoming more and more numb...

I saw a lot of things which makes me feeling uneasy and sad but probably, I should just take it as one of the challenges that I have to go through in order to be stronger in all form in fast future. I hope I can do this too!


Too many things happening, too little time for me to digest. Sighhhh.

As much as I hated to lost you, I lost you.
As much as I hated my thing to go missing, I tend to lost my stuffs.

Dumb me.


I'm trying to let go things, accept what I'm supposed to accept and see what I'm suppose to see...
I really do.

But maybe, 70% of me is all done except for the remaining 30%... which I'm still holding and believing for faith between us. I may be stubborn although I know it will not work. Dumb me.


Before SQ 13', I thought I'd still have slightttttttttttt slightttttttttttttt chance. I thought you will reconsider and come meet with my parents during SQ (Bet my imagination is pretty damn good). But I was wrong,
he didn't show up. He went to SQ, I do not know if I was there or not but, he came with the girl.

Wtf?



Whatever it is, I started to hate the things I see although I thought that I'm all tough. Bullshit.
I'm still a toufu inside and freaking fragile -_-

I don't know why, I started to give that bitch stare at her car or anything about them and I didn't even want to see or talk to him when he is just near to me. Numb, I'm all numb I guess?



Anyway, life goes on.. Sequence 13' has ended and It is about time for me to move on.
I love you, but so what?

I know I will definitely found someone who dear me. I surely will.
I don't know what else am I suppose to say, but... Just wish for the best!!


Yesterday, Vinsze asked me if I'm alright in a "high-middle" tone...
She said everyone said that I have been acting weirdly ever since. Frankly speaking, even without them telling me.. I do realised it myself too but I can't help it. It feels freaking uneasy whenever they are discussing about couple topics and et cetera.

I guess it is more of a inner thing which no one can help but myself. I will try my best because I ain't pathetic.
I'm giving myself a year for anything and EVERYTHING. *Let's put our fingers crossed that I can work on this!!* 


Yea, sometimes I sounded so confident, but sometime I sounded so funny and stupid. Which, I myself don't understand as well. Anyway, I can only say,


Things has been done and I should just love me more. I feel great day by day with the people who love and dear me. In return, I will try to control my temper for a better self in the future and hopefully I can find a new someone soon?


HAHAHAHA dream too early. Nights!



Till then.

06072013 ; All that about ♥

It is 9:53 AM now and I'm wide awake...

It's been quite sometime since I have this "sickness" where I will dream about us/you/you both just before I wake up in the morning. This isn't normal as it's been weeks and it seems to be one of my daily routine now!

Well, If you recall. I did mention before in my previous that, sometimes I woke up with super mood and sometimes I woke up with bad mood because of the dream...

Today, just the same as usual, I dream about US. 


Again, a happy DREAM but sad reality. It was about us going for a trip (Pattaya trip I suppose) and suddenly you said we're fine and we're back together. I remember in the dream that, there was once I tried to stick to you again after we've recovered and you told me that we'll pretend and only will let them know after the trip... So, we'd keep some distance in the trip.

I wasn't really sooooo into the dream and I think I actually did think about it in my dream!
What I mean is, I did ask myself if what he said is true.. giving a chance to us again but neglected to announce to our friends that we're al right.

I don't know what happened at the end of the dream as I'm awake in the middle of it.

Dream remain as a dream, everything jumbled up. It was either we're on a trip OR it was my birthday and you was there to surprise me with them.



How I wish dream will come true?



I don't know why am I having this sickness now and it seems there's no ending.
I talked to Xinyi about this and she said I have gotten his poison.

Perhaps, as much as I try to live happily without you, my heart doesn't do the same.
My mood is down down down downnnnnnnnnnnn when I'm awake this morning and I even tell myself that.. don't be silly! don't think too much!

He should be living his life happily with his new girlfriend and I'm all stuck like this.
I don't know how many times I want to say but, I'm still loving you. BUT what for?


Sigh. 


Till then.

04072013 ; All that about ♥

It's been another 2 week since I last updated.. .
I have always wanted to update, but I was either too tired after gym or It's too late.
It's been weeks since I occupy myself with workouts, visiting the gym more and more often so that I could achieve what I want before convocation.

Am still working hard now and hoping to see some results by then! Go! Go! Go! 


Well, in just few more days.. It will be two months after we broke up.
Yes, again. I haven't get over this thing yet. In fact, it has been bothering me for quite sometime.

I even dream of you every morning, just before I wake up and I can still remember each scenes now...
It was sort of giving me hope, or hurting me. This feeling is beyond unbearable.


There was once, I dream of you coming back to me, telling me that you loved me. We hug and happily ever after. I was so happy in my dream and I became extra moody when I realised it was just a dream! :'(

Other than that, It is either scenes where I see both of you are happily dating. WTFFFFFFFFFF. 



Shits do happen! 



Anyway, just last Wednesday... I'm supposed to be at the gym by 7pm with pretty as promised but because I have nothing to do and afraid of jam, I have decided to go BU earlier and wait for the time to go gym.

I actually planned to go mawar straight away to look for him and hopefully we can spend some time together as a friend or whatever before all of us left after graduation. Well, most of them think that I'm too much or too stubborn for wanting to be a friend of him after breaking up. They thought I'm still hoping or whatever.

But to be really honest, YES, I still have a small glimpse of hope with me at that time when I made the decision to look for him. But I really know what's the situation now..

As in, he already have someone else and all I want was just to spend some time together to cure the awkwardness in us.


He wanted us to be close friend, at first, I rejected because I thought it is tooooo ugly for me to accept.
But probably I still loves him, I actually try to accept and witness the truth.


I actually texted him and let him know that I'm going to look for him...
But as predicted, he rejected with all sort of excuses and what makes me mad/sad is that,
he said I don't know him well.


Just a disclaimer, my dear, Yes, I may not know you damn well, but it is undeniable that we've been together for 2 1/2 years and there must be something that I know about you!


I told you that, just do whatever you like as long as you are feeling comfortable and happy.
I have taken a big step for confronting you, telling you that we're friends and that's it.

I even ask you if it is alright for me to meet you. If you don't want me to come, just let me know will you? Just tell me that, I don't wanna see you instead of giving me all sorts of reasons.



The gf don't like and stuffs and etc etc.  It was all too ugly. You made me feel so ugly.




Although he said he is going out and will not be at home. I still went to mawar and talked to christopher at last.

This is the first time where when I see white myvi, I have a strong feeling that It is her.
I can't help it. the feeling is surreal and it feels like "THIS IS IT".

But because I do not know and not too sure, so I actually checked on their shoes.
As I make my way into mawar, I see all his 3 shoes at the rack.. It keep me wondering if they are at home,
because he told me that they are going to KL but how come he wore his slippers instead of his shoes?

So, as I walk to Christopher's room. I see no slippers infront of his room. Then I thought they really went out with slippers.. So from there, I know that the white Myvi is not the car! Pffffffff* 


But after a while, as I was sitting infront of Chris's room.
I heard someone opening the gate, I peeped and I never thought that... It was them walking out. I feel so speechless. I just saw them walking out together.


I guessed they are going to basketball court as he is holding his water bottle BUT not wearing or bringing his basketball shoe. Probably, they just go out for a walk or talk?

My heart sunk. I witnesses "them" myself. But there's one question that keeps bothering me...
"Why do he/they hide their shoe in the room?"


I said this because, just the day before all this happen, I actually see him having his slippers outside of his room. Why on earth he wanna put their slippers in the room suddenly?
I do not know and I don't wanna ask.

I talked to Chris and yea, everyone hope that I could live for myself and forget him ASAP.
it is hard, but I tried.


Last week, after that incident, I never ever look for him. Except for stalking him and see what time he sleeps and all... I didn't look for him directly. I feel a little more alive and I really did try to live my life for myself.


But there's one thing that I can't help it, at least for now... whenever I see the car.
I feel so mad, so sad and everything negative.


I do not know if I'm stalking them or I just have good observation skills?
I tend to know where are they going, what do they do and all. I can see all things clearly.

Just yesterday, as much as I ALMOST called him to get some money for me to pay toll, I didn't.
But surprisingly, he came to talk to me. Asking me about my car and my whereabouts. I told him that I'm going to Gym and blah blahhh.

We did talk something else too and the whole conversation ended about an hour later.
I was so happy that he actually came to talk to me!
I do not know what's on his mind, for now, if he wants me to be his friend. I'd always welcome him.
But, I do not know what will happen in the future.

I started to hate you for showing me all the little little things.
I don't know what I wanted to say but... I feel, I'm feeling more and more unbearable.


I love you but, this is too much to take now. I don't see myself in you... As in, I don't see a form of respect from you. I started telling myself that, I will soon be able to let go of him. Let him know that I can live better even without him.



I'm trying, I'm trying!


As far as I'm brave to tell this now. Another side of mine shrink. I keep telling myself that I can't love him anymore and comforting myself that I will be getting a better one soon in the future.


Again, as I'm writing this. I feel I have sooooooooooo much to tell. But, it is all beyond words.
But there's one thing that I'm very sure, it is, my feeling towards has not ended.

Believe it or not, I'm still wishing and hoping that you will recall back some scenes and you will,
" Ohhh, I still love her most" or any similar scenes.  I'M VERY SILLY, I KNOW! 



Alright, boo ya! Am getting out of here before I start jumble up everything.
Too many things happening, too little space for me to express!
Shall update more often for a clearer post.



Till then.

24062013 ; All that about ♥

LOVE?

It's been 2 weeks since I last updated because I finally have witnesses the truth, the ugly truth.

Just on the 11th June, exactly one month after we broke up...

As I pushed the door... I saw him walking out with another girl. My heart felt. Dropped down.
Shocked and speechless...

I asked him why is she here and he told me that they had lunch with Simon in the afternoon and they were in the house to have a little chat.

Then I brave myself to ask him a question... "You like her?".
And his answer was, "Yes".

I asked him, "How long have you liked her?" and his answer was... "few weeks ago."

I couldn't breathe at the moment. I asked him a lot of questions, do you still love me? do you respect me? what is all this? can you really let go all this? etc etc etc.

I... couldn't believe my eyes and my heart stop beating.

We broke up a month ago and he like the girl few weeks back. How should I respond?


We talked a little more and I went to gym. As I was on my way to pick Ugly, I called Huixin, Xin Yi and Vin  Sze. I cried out loud, driving with lots of pain.


There are a lot of things that my friends knew or saw throughout the month and I was the only one who didn't notice and unaware. I thought giving him freedom and trust would be the key to a successful relationship.
But, guess I was wrong.

They have been seeing the girl coming to the house looking for him, going out together or even bumped into them during dinner outside. Even the blurrest Rou Ying knew and asked Xin Yi about us.

Christopher actually told me that, the girl has made her way into the house during the week when we are doing our presentation board... To be specific, it was just a week after we break up.

I'm not saying that he cheated on me, in fact, he didn't.

They did this "truth moment" game when we're at the Skybar and they asked him questions.
I knew they were asking about us because I noticed the change in their tone... As in, suddenly...
Everything became sooooooooooo quiet and soft. I couldn't be bothered.

In fact, I feel it is good for him to express himself. As for myself, I have expressed way too much that my friends started to hate be struggling for this relationship. They asked me to let go, life goes on...




But I'm too stubborn to let go.




I love him very much, I gave him my heart. I told him, He knew.
To be honest, even until now. this moment... I still can hardly believe what has happened.

He is already dating another girl for about two weeks and I'm all alone.


Huixin told me that, the end of relationship doesn't mean the end of everything. But to me, for now,
It is.

Back in Bangkok, the last night at Bangkok,
I confronted and talked to him. I told him that,
I really really loves him.

But no matter what, I won't be their 3rd party. It is just not me. But for me to let go,
It won't be as easy as everyone else say too. I used to hate being alone, I always have you to be with me.
Whether we text or call, sleep or what. You once told me that,

"We don't have to see each other all the time because when we close our eyes, we will be able to see one another already.."

I just read your blog again and I really can feel how happy you were at the beginning.
We've been so sweet together. Happy happy and HAPPY for you to describe your words.


I never expect we will be like this now... As I tried to go closer, you will bounce further.


I know I should give up by now. Vin Sze , Christopher and everyone said I should stop everything by now.
I know, but it is hard for me.

I'm afraid of everything. Losing you, doing things alone and etc.

I have been a dependent Girlfriend but I acted like a man.

Although the percentage of us getting back together is beyond negative, but probably I should just keep a smalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll space for you?


Urghh. I don't know what am I doing. Getting more and more silly and stubborn.
Anyhow, Just wish that you're happy.


As always, let me know if you needed me. I will always be there for you my love.
Whether you love me or not, It doesn't matter.

I'm silly and I knew it. God, show me my way.


My life has to go on. Whatever promises, all should be gone by now. He is happily dating with Jess.

Love or no love. We shall see by then. Just gotta keep updating and see how thing goes.
I lied if I said I've given up hoping.





Till then.

08062013 ; All that about ♥

Hey,

I really miss you being mine. Urgh... 

Such a heartfelt day again. I think I'm getting more and more miserable with my current life.
I'm used to receive your text now and then but things changed one month back.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future but I'm sure that,
My heartbeat is still beating for you. I know I have been a bad girl yesterday for being rude when I leave Mawar. I didn't wave back but I really hated to say or wave "Bye" at you. It just..hurt so bad.


It kept me thinking whether what I've done is right or wrong ONLY after I left. Sigh, I regretted so badly.

Probably because of that, he didn't even bother to check whether I'm safe or not.
No text NOTHING until I message him at night at facebook regarding the diet thing I watched in TV.

:'(


Die die die. 

I'm losing my patience, wishing to shakeeeeeee you and ask if we still have chance.
For the time being, I knew that the chances are VERY VERY low. Probably you are enjoying your single life, or probably not. But as far as I know, I enjoyed and cherished my day with you.

This tells how much I wanted to be back with you.

A lot of people told me that whatever I'm doing now is wrong, and I shall not continue being stubborn.
They said we're no longer possible and asked me to give up.

You know.. the moment when people starting to give up on whatever you are doing, it feel so so bad.
But I'm still holding against my vow. To stay strong and be firm until last minute.


I told you that I will wait for you no matter how long.
2 years.. 4 years.. 10 years..

I wish I could and I wish you will wait for me too!

Babyboy,
Give me a chance to repay back what I have done wrongly. I hope I will see what I wish to see during the trip.. but for the time being, yeahhh, I will not disturb you so much.

I'm really really intense to know your answer.
I hope we really are still hoping for the same.


My heart, my soul will always be with you.


Probably I'm bored at home, it makes me feel so "love sick". I started to pay attention to the love song lyrics, and visualizing it with our situation.

Yeaaa, It is all true that, people only tend to see things clearly after stepping out of situation. Maybe,
I was too "trapped" in my own mind set and neglected on the other side.

I have seen and heard from some newly wed in some random HK TV programme.
They said, "Love" is by mean two mankind is willing to forgive and forget what has happened and to look forward to live together.

It may be hard and it takes time for one to understand and adapt the new environment together in order to create a warm and loving family relationship.

I was too narrow minded on relationships. I was stuck with all those what girlfriend are supposed to have and stuffs. In short, those thing that guys will NEVER like. ..


It is such a heartfelt and unbearable day that I wish it would come to an end soon.

I wish I could express myself to you again but I know I can't.
You may not have the interest and definitely you will think it is overflow AGAIN.

Hence, I will not do it and will just.. keep blogging. Guess this is the only way I could express myself as everyone including my siblings think that I'm being too stubborn and silly to still hang on tight on this relationship >.<


I miss you and love you so much.


Babe ♥

07062013; All that about ♥

Of promises and coincident. 

I just mentioned in the previous post that I was sooooo very the overwhelmed when he actually suggested for a day out the other day. But yea, our "date" has been cancelled because the contractor will be going over to Mawar to fix their ceiling. 

Damn stuffs happen at this time! :'( 

I was upset when I receive his message regarding this and drama happens next. 

MORE drama I mean.. 

I actually requested to accompany him at mawar to wait for the contractor since he has been alone most of the time and all I want is just to be his companion for a day. I didn't even hope or plan to do anything though! 

But sadly, he thought I was a little too "sticky" and asked me to give him more free time and space since next week we'll be going for a trip and we both will be sleeping together in a room throughout the trip. He then warned me not to force him to change his mind for sleeping with me... 

I got mad and I sort of scolded him... I just want him to understand that.. 

I didn't force you to sleep or hang out with me. It was you who actually "invited" or "give me the permission" to do so. I hope you could get things right! :( 

Then, after some conflict.. I asked him again whether he still want to be in the same room with me in the trip and he said "Yes". 

Sometimes, I was given hope and sometimes, you took the hope away. 

I don't know what should I feel regarding this as.. I will not know how to react. 

Anyhow, I was supposed to go for shopping alone since he has to be at mawar with the contractor, but I have decided to come home without him noticing it.. I hope he will worry a little? Maybe?

So, I'm home and doing whatever I should be doing. I have wasted enough time and guess it is time for me to pick up what I'm suppose to be doing. 

That doesn't mean I'm giving up yet as I'm stilllllll hanging on tight for the best. 

Xy told me that, no matter how's the result, I have done my best, hence, there shouldn't be any regrets after. 

Let's just hope for the best alright? I wish time could really clear our mind and lead us the way we wanted to.. Or maybe I should say.. lead the way I wanted it to be. 

Love, 

babe ♥